The Darkness Behind You
by streetlightlove
Summary: "That shrug and smile tell me more than anything he could ever say on this subject. The truth is we really are different people and Peeta Mellark doesn't love me anymore." Darker/Angsty version of K&P's love story post-Mockingjay/Pre-Epilogue. Rated M for Adult Content, Language and lemons. This was my attempt at curing my post HG depression! Peeta deserves better than a "Real"
1. Chapter 1

Each day starts the same, I open my eyes letting in the early light of a cruel world I know so well and I groan. Groan because I still have a heart beating in my chest, because air still automatically fills my lungs, because I am still alive, because I have to endure another day of emptiness; I groan because I am already dead inside, my body just doesn't know it yet.

Two things get me out of bed nowadays, one is a sense of obligation to Greasy Sae. She comes by twice a day; maybe more if I am in a real bad state. She makes my meals, does my laundry, makes sure I clean myself and even brushes and braids my hair. I know she cares for me I can see it in the worry on her face and the last thing I want to do is hurt another person who cares about me. The second thing to get me to rise is that getting up, walking down the stairs and strolling through construction areas of downtown District 12 will astronomically raise my chances of falling victim to a freak accident, which could mercifully snuff out the last spark of my so called life.

Much of my day is spent daydreaming about death, my own sweet release. I imagine after I release my last breath coming across a tunnel of pure white light. When I follow the tunnel I come to a meadow in a luscious rich green forest. Around the meadow are all the people who I have loved and lost. My father stands ridiculously tall carrying his bow and wearing his hunting jacket, he is singing and smiling. In the trees Rue jumps from branch to branch producing a giggle that only someone free of life's worries would make. Cinna sits with his back pressed against a tree and a sketch book in his hand watching the light pour down through cracks in the tree line, And then I see _her_ walking as lightly as an angel through a sea of green ahead, when her eyes meet mine my soul sings, it sings her name. Prim.

When she smiles at me I feel a warmth I haven't felt for so long and I know I could be truly happy here. We are all together and we are safe. I am the closest to being at peace when I break from this reverie, but it is short lived because there is always darkness behind you. My mind always goes to what-ifs and things that I would change. As useless as I know this line of thinking is I am also too afraid to argue with the insanity that lives in my mind. Most of the time my thoughts involve Prim. I think of the day of my first Reaping. I think of how pointless it was for me to volunteer, how it was all for not, just the act of me volunteering lead her to her death. From the moment I volunteered until the day her light was taken from my life she had to live in fear. Yes, I extended her life somewhat but what kind of quality did that life have. I think of a Reaping day where I don't volunteer, and I watch them take her away from me, but maybe it would have been better that way. I would have just watched her walk up that stage and not said a word like Peeta's brother had done to him.

"Oh Peeta."

His name always escapes my lips like a prayer. That name is my best friend and my worst enemy. It is my salvation and what tries to suffocate me. When his name comes to mind I, if only for a brief period of time, feel alive. His name triggers something so disturbing in me. Some days I let his name explore the corners of my mind and play with my tongue and lips. Other days I am tempted to drill a hole in my head and tear the name out, not wanting to hear it again because alive is not how I want to feel. Some days I can imagine his gentle hands holding my face and other days I feel those same hands crushing my neck. Some days I can picture his piercing blue eyes as they put me under his spell, and other days I can picture eyes that are only black and cold; left that way by inhumane acts performed by people I have never had the pleasure of thanking, the way I thanked President Coin.

"Hey."

I snap out of my internal hell and find myself sitting cross-legged facing the bed of primroses outside my house in Victor's Village. This happens a lot. I find that my mind works similar to that of a solitary confinement prison cell; the window in my cell is too high for me to look out. Sometimes I end up in odd places when I am finally let free. One time I found myself fully clothed standing thigh high in the lake out in the woods where I had learned to swim as a child.

"Katniss?"

The voice calls out to me again. I know who it is because I will always know who it is; he is always there even when he isn't. Peeta, obviously frustrated by my lack of response, comes and sits down next to me facing the flowers he planted in honor of my sister two weeks prior. I realize in this moment that we haven't been near each other since that day where he looked at me with such pity it tore something in my heart. Peeta, the boy who had once loved me, who had saved my life more times than I can count, who had endured pain, misery, and loss in my name, now looks at me like I am the saddest and most pathetic thing he has ever looked upon... maybe I am.

"Why did you plant these?" My question, which is no louder than a whisper, is the first thing to break up our silence. I don't know what I expect to find by asking him this, but I need the answer. He takes a gentle breath and pauses momentarily.

"I planted them for her, and I guess for me as well.", he begins. "She was an amazing person, so kind and gentle. She helped me so much when I was in the hospital. On my worst days, when no one wanted to be around me, she would come in, sit by my side and hold my hand, just talking to me about memories she had of me. It was so calming." He closes his eyes and his face shows glints of contentment like he is remembering her soothing words. The story is so quintessential Prim that I begin to feel a lump form in my throat. "I guess I thought this was the least of what I could do to honor her memory."

_ That and keep an eye on her bat-shit-crazy sister,_ I think to myself. We sit in silence for a few more moments before the quiet is broken again.

"Did you ever love me, Katniss?" The question is spoken so softly and steadily that it doesn't match its content. He had asked me this once before in District 13 and I hadn't given him a straight answer, but there is no point in holding back the truth now.

"Yes.", I say before I turn to him and look him in his eyes, they are blue today, "Maybe as much as you loved me, but we're not those people anymore are we?"

"I guess not.", Peeta shrugs and a sympathetic smile turns up the corners of his mouth. That shrug and smile tell me more than anything he could ever say on this subject. The truth is we really are different people and Peeta Mellark doesn't love me anymore. We are remnants of pawns from others games. How arrogant I thought Peeta was the night before our first Hunger Games on the roof when he said he didn't want _this_ to be his fate. All he wanted to do was keep his soul intact, but the powers that be had ripped both our souls out and torched them alive.

After a few more moments Peeta gets up brushing the remnants of dirt off the back of his pants. "Katniss?" I look up at him in response. "Would it be alright if I came by for breakfast once in a while? It's just that mornings can be... lonely." I know exactly what he means, after spending the night fighting demons and watching loved ones die, the emptiness of real life can be overbearing.

I smile gently and nod. He gives me the same courtesy and begins the walk back to his own prison.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone thanks so much for reading. This is my first Fanfic, and the first time I have written anything since high school, so I hope that I don't disappoint. As you can probably tell im going for a more broken Peeta and Katniss...those poor kids. Bare with me though because I am a sucker for happy endings. Also thank-you **X91** for giving me my very first review and to those who are following this story. :) Enjoy!**

Peeta starts showing up for breakfast the next morning. His soft knock on the door is answered by Greasy Sae, who is more than eager to let him in. She spends the rest of the morning with a smile on her face that reminds me of a simpler time; maybe she is just as lonely, God knows I haven't been much in the way of company. Peeta has brought a covered tray with him, I know by the smell of them exactly what they are.

"You still like these, right?", Peeta asks before confirming the contents of the tray are golden brown cheese buns.

I don't say anything but the wide eyed hunger I display must be satisfactory enough of an answer because he lets out a small chuckle, and places the tray on the table. I notice the buns are releasing wisps of steam, revealing that they are fresh from the oven. I wonder how early Peeta must have gotten up to make these. I smile inwardly at his offering and at the kindness this gesture implies.

Breakfast is, in a word, _awkward_. You would think that two people like us who have seen the shit we have seen, have lived the life we have lived would have something to talk about. In the end, it is Greasy Sae who is left to ward off the silence with tid-bits about how to make a good stew and about her granddaughters knitting lessons. After the table has been cleaned up, the dishes washed and put away, I walk Peeta to the door. He pauses mid reach to the door knob and turns to me.

"I think we'll get better at this, don't you?" A slight smile creeping onto his face. His comment makes me smirk as I reach out to open the door for him. He has just crossed the threshold when I call out the next question.

"You'll be back tomorrow morning right?" Peeta's slight smile turns into a full grin, he nods and walks away.

For the next few weeks breakfast becomes an integral part of our daily routines and we do get better at it. We try to avoid topics that will insight violence and tears, but manage to keep an upbeat dialogue going about the reconstruction of the district, recipes we want Peeta to attempt, and even the weather. Eventually we start inviting Haymitch over. Our two time mentor has been missing in action since he and I came home from the capitol. I sometimes wonder at his reasons, but in the end know they are the same as mine and I haven't visited either. Haymitch doesn't come every morning, but on the ones he does he is more sober than not. We are all different people I guess.

One morning, after Greasy Sae cleaned up and went home, the three of us sit basking in the afterglow of a good meal and nursing the ache of slightly overfilled bellies. Peeta suddenly gets an odd look on his face.

"Haymitch, on the train to the capitol before our first Hunger Games, I smacked a drink out of your hand, you punched me and then Katniss almost stuck a knife in you. Real or not real?"

It only takes a few seconds for me to burst out laughing, and the liquid contents of my mouth to spray across the room. This is the first time we have played the Real or Not Real game since those final days of the war. It is amazing to me that Peeta's brain would peel away the shiny layers and reveal a memory that is just so... _Us_. Peeta trying to get a word of advice from his inebriated mentor, his mentor overreacting to the loss of white liquor, and me pissed at the situation I was forced to be in. Ah memories.

My belly is already aching with a full body laughter I haven't felt in so long when I look up to see Haymitch's glare, daggers are flying at me from his eyes.

"Well sweetheart, you're looking a little ragged these days, like to see you try using a knife like that now" He says as he leans ever so slightly towards me. I quickly pick up the butter knife in front of me and begin deftly rolling it over and around my fingers.

"I'm willing to test it if you are" I lock eyes with Haymitch and glare at him with my most criminally insane look.

"So that's a real I'm assuming.", Peeta deadpans.

I fall to pieces all over again. This time the laughter racks my body and my top half slams back into my chair. My next moment is spent weightless before I am crashing into the ground, my chair having fallen backwards. While I take a moment or two for recovery, it is now Haymitch's cackles I hear through the air. I shoot a halfhearted annoyed look in his direction and begin to attempt my way back up when a hand appears in front of me. I glace up to meet my beaming rescuer, and my eyes lock onto blue. My hand reaches out before my mind gives it permission, and the warmth of Peeta's hand encompasses mine. I realize that this is the first time we have touched since I took a chunk out of his hand, that first time I tried to kill myself. I begin to feel my cheeks flush, and feel a slight fluttering sensation in my stomach. I also realize, in this moment, that I haven't broken my intense eye contact yet. My eyes instantly dart behind Peeta to Haymitch who is no longer laughing but instead taking in the scene while wearing a knowing smirk. The smirk rattles me, and I am grateful that Peeta can't see it. I am just back to vertical when Haymitch begins gathering his things.

"Well that's my cue to leave.", he says with a chuckle. "You kids stay out of trouble." Haymitch's patented advice is followed by him walking out the door.

Peeta looks at me, shrugs and we share a slightly nervous laugh. The room has become intolerably heavy all of a sudden and our eyes are darting everywhere but to each other. Peeta finally breaks the silence.

"You looked happy just then.", he pauses possibly considering his next words. "I haven't seen you like that in a very long time."

I am not sure if its curiosity or loneliness that directs my next actions, but I sit back in my now righted chair, wait for Peeta to do the same, and then ask, "What's the happiest memory you have of me?" I see the beginnings of anxiety form on his face, but he quickly recovers closing his eyes. After a few moments he smiles and opens them.

"The day we spent on the training roof before the Quell." He pauses briefly, "It's funny, we both knew what we wanted to do, we were resolved to die for the other one, and had made peace with the idea. That day had no anxiety, no sadness, no fear, it just had us, we were happy."

A breath catches in my throat as I listen to him. He locks eyes with me before he continues. "That memory is so important to me, not only because its my favorite, but because its a memory_ they _weren't able to touch." He suddenly looks embarrassed and shyly looks away. After a few moments Peeta looks up at me again. "What's your happiest memory of me?", he asks quietly.

My mind instantly relives all my Peeta memories. The training room roof, the few weeks I was bedridden where we worked on the plant book, when he offered Rue and Thresh's families part of our winnings, the moment we realized we had both pissed off the Quell judges to protect the other, nights on the train, but there is one memory of Peeta where I knew I couldn't have felt happier. I take a deep breath.

"The 10 seconds starting when I opened that door in District 13 and saw you sitting in that hospital bed and ending with... ", my voice catches. I am suddenly horrified that I would have even brought up this memory. I look up at Peeta and see that the smile has melted off his face, and his mouth has been left slightly agape.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't even have brought that up, that was so stupid of me, but for what its worth I never could have felt happier then when I knew you were alive and safe." Peeta still isn't saying anything and I begin to panic. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I even begin this line of questioning? This was never going to lead anywhere good. The anxiety is starting to get the better of me.

"Ask me something else, anything." I blurt out before I have a chance to center myself.

Peeta quickly wipes something from underneath his left eye with his thumb, an eyelash perhaps, and then clears his throat, "You killed the wrong president by accident. Real or not real?" So much for a less emotionally charged question.

"Not real". My answer immediately gets a raised eyebrow urging me to elaborate. I'm not surprised Peeta is unsure about this, I am sure most people are, I never was able to testify at my own trial. I guess Gale and Beetee might have had an idea since the bombs were their brainchild. Before I begin to explain my eyes go automatically to the area of his forehead where fire scars still exist. I shift uncomfortably because I am suddenly very aware that a good amount of my skin is not my own. "The bombs", my voice begins to shake, "...were created by the rebellion to use against the capitol, but Coin, who arranged it so Prim would be in the square that day, used the bombs against me. I was a threat." I am now very aware that there are tears pouring down my face. Peeta's eyes are wide and full of anger, his lips betray the slightest tremble.

"But if I had two shots, I would have personally killed both Coin and Snow. Each was responsible for taking someone from me I couldn't survive without." The flash of recognition on Peeta's face to what I am saying finally pushes me over the edge. I am hysterical. I punch the table with both fists and then rest my head face down to try to hold onto a little privacy as I sob uncontrollably. Suddenly there is a hand on my shoulder.

"Shhh, Katniss. I am sorry Katniss, I didnt know. Shh its ok." I turn my head and and am facing Peeta who has crouched next to my chair and trying desperately to calm me, though his mental state doesn't look all that good at the moment either.

Suddenly I find myself staring at his lips, and I want so badly to feel them pressed against mine, to taste his breath and feel his warmth. I see his mouth form my name and I cannot take this distance between us anymore. In one quick movement I turn my body towards him, grab the sides of his face and crash my lips into his. Peeta seems to accept this and we are kissing each other with equal fervor. After a time Peeta's mouth becomes more and more hesitant and for the first time today it is not my tears I feel running down my cheeks. However, it is not his tears but the trembling I feel coming from his body that gets me to break away.

"I... I can't... I..." Peeta looks dazed and he is shaking. He jumps up and is slowly backing away from me. He won't look at me.

"Peeta, its OK." I get up and start walking towards him.

"No!" Peeta's sudden outburst is so loud that I freeze in my tracks. Peeta, taking slow heaving breaths, is now looking at me.

"Katniss, I can't... I can't be this for you." His voice has softened but not his demeanor. "I can't be this for you." He repeats himself while gesturing his index finger back and forth between us. "I may never be able to be this for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I can't... I can't be here, I have to go." He turns and sprints out of my house. I am left in shock. I crumble back down to the floor and stay there until Greasy Sae comes for dinner that night. I am relieved she doesn't ask me whats wrong.

Peeta doesn't come to breakfast the next morning, or for the next 4 days after that. I spend those days mentally punishing myself for kissing Peeta. I am just so lonely, but now the only person who will ever understand me has been chased off by my stupidity. My nightmares are worse than ever, most involve Peeta and I being the last people alive and he dies in a multitude of tragic and violent ways and I am left alone forever. It's not till the fifth night that I receive a reprieve.

I am flying, really flying. I glace side to side to take in my wingspan, and I know I am a mockingjay, not _The Mockingjay, _my own interpretation of death and destruction, but instead the bastard of a capitol mutt who I've come to recognize as a symbol of adaptation and survival. The sensation of flying makes my heart swell. I feel free, I feel happy and I don't want it to end. It does end though, and as I open my eyes in the middle of the night I find I am already mourning the loss of being airborne. I want to fly and I know what I have to do to soar again.

I rise out of bed grab my hunting knife from my belt hanging on the back of my door and slowly walk to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, I make my way over to the sink and splash some water on my face. I lift my head and face the mirror. My face is so thin, so worn, and much more aged then a 17 year old girls face should be. I grab the knife with one hand and my still braided hair with the other. I wrap the braid over the sharp part of my knife at the base of my neck and use a fast sawing motion to hack the braid off. When it is done I throw the braid into the sink below me and stare at it for a few moments feeling a bit freer. _I want to fly, I want to fly, I know what I have to do _I hear this litany repeating in my head over and over again, when it finally stops I know what I have to do. I look back to the mirror, looking myself straight in the eyes.

"Tomorrow I am going to kill myself."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi again and thanks for reading. This chapter was a pain in the butt! I would have it completely edited and then change a million things, tweek some dialogue, add some stuff and have to start all over again, but I think I am finally happy with the finished product. I hope you guys agree... Again thanks for reading! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

I spend the next few hours preparing my estate_. _I try to make a mental checklist of items that need to either be left for specific people or are coming with me. If my mother doesn't want my father's hunting jacket I would like to be buried in it, along with my bow. Let's face it, I have never been one to believe in things just working out for the best and I don't want to be stuck without food... wherever I am going. I briefly think of the meadow I have so commonly daydreamed of; I hope I go there. _I miss you Prim_.

The first thing I do is fetch the bottles of white liquor I have stashed in the basement, just in case of a drought, and put them in a box labeled "Haymitch". My mentor doesn't need much more than that. It's not within either of us to get more sentimental where the other is concerned. Next, I write a note to Greasy Sae thanking her for taking care of me all these months, and for her help with feeding my family back in the day. I tell her I am sorry that I have to go, but I cannot handle being alive anymore. In addition to leaving her a pouch with a significant amount of money in it, I tell her to take whatever she wants from the house. A note to my mother comes next. In it, I tell her how empty I feel inside and that I can't live without Prim. I apologize for not understanding her depression when my father died, tell her I hope she finds happiness and that I love her. Letting her know I will say "hi" to them for her.

I grab a new piece of paper and sigh before I write the words _Dear Peeta._ Suddenly, I am scared, I already miss him so much and wonder if he misses me. It's a battle to keep myself from running over to his house and begging him to come with me like I had before the Quell. I wonder if he would still say yes. I would tell him we wouldn't be in pain anymore, no longer scared, that he could see his family again;I could convince him, but I have to take this last trip alone. I could never lead Peeta to this death anyway, even if it was his choice. Besides, I am afraid that if there is any part of him that still thinks fondly of me he would try and stop me. My resolve has never been strong when it comes to Peeta, so I just start writing. I write for what seems like forever; telling him all the things I should have, wanted to, was too stubborn or selfish to. Letting him know that I want him to be happy, to have an amazing life, get married, and have children. Admitting to him I have in some way loved him since he saved the lives of my family and I when we were 11 and that I know I can never truly repay that debt. I tell him he is beautiful, that I never deserved him and that he was always so much better than the rest of us. Knowing him brought me happiness and, at times, peace. As I write, the tears are falling, they are crashing onto my confession, and at points the ink has been assaulted and is beginning to smudge and run. When I finish, I reread my letter and begin to feel guilty. I can't burden Peeta with this. It would be wrong to tell him everything he's ever wanted to hear and then leave, plus for all I know Peeta no longer wants to know this stuff. No, it will be better if I just leave him thinking I am the same as I ever was, cold and selfish. I kiss the note and then begin tearing it up, maybe one day I will see Peeta again and that will be the time for confessions of this magnitude. Instead I grab a fresh piece of paper and simply write:

_Peeta,_

_ Please take care of yourself._

_ Love,_

_ Katniss_

I fold each letter and put them in separate envelopes, labeling them appropriately. After taking a moment to stare at the envelopes fanned out in my hand, I place them on the table, leaning them up so that the names are visible to anyone who comes calling. However, the neatness of it all is short lived when my grumpy roommate jumps on the table knocking them all over. I go to yell at the ornery flea bag, when it occurs to me. _What am I doing with Buttercup? _I really only have two options if I think about it. One, I could drown the cat like I always wanted to and bring him with me. Prim would be so excited to see her nasty old tom cat. Two, I could leave him with Peeta. No matter how Peeta feels about me, I am sure he would take Buttercup in, after all, the cat was Prim's. Who knows, maybe they could both use the company. As I weigh my options, I head up stairs to the bathroom and start filling the tub with water. Once filled, I go retrieve Buttercup from downstairs and bring him back to the bathroom, holding him by the scruff. He wiggles and growls in my hands. I stand there in front of the tub with the cat ready to drown him if need be, but in the end I can't do it, maybe I have actually grown to love the beast. I drop him to the ground, he hisses and runs off. I follow him back downstairs, open the note to Peeta and add the amendment: _Please take care of Buttercup._

I decide a bath doesn't sound like a bad idea and head back upstairs, undress and slip into the warm tub. Looking down my body, my eyes linger on my patchwork skin. I run my fingers over the ridges of scars and the artificial smoothness of Capitol skin grafts. Normally, the sight of myself insights feelings of anxiety, sorrow and humiliation, but today I feel different. These wounds now are a symbol of pride for me. My enemies have tried to kill me in more ways than I can count, but they have always failed. Today I will die on my own terms. I run my fingers through my now very short locks, and smile to myself.

Once I have bathed, I pick out a simple outfit, gray slacks and a white t-shirt, I pull on my boots and put a pair of work gloves in my pants pocket. I decide to leave my bow at home, I wouldn't want it to get damaged or lost; besides, I'm not hunting today. I re-organize my letters to loved ones on the kitchen table, lovingly scratch the top of Buttercup's head, look around one more time at my Capitol provided prison and walk out the door. I have given myself about 3 hours of leeway before Greasy Sae will be arriving to make breakfast.

My death march has begun. First, I walk past Haymitch's house. The lights are on in the kitchen and I am curious if he is sitting alone drinking. Will my death impact the quantity of liquor he consumes, or will I be one less burden he needs to deal with?

"I will miss you Haymitch.", I whisper into the night air.

Next is Peeta's house. I don't see any lights on, but I can identify his bedroom, the window is open as always. I really hope that he is sleeping soundly, that the nightmares are not hurting him tonight. I gently touch the three middle fingers of my left hand to my mouth and then point them towards his room. My final goodbye to someone I love. In my head, I hear Cinna's soothing voice "Chin up". I obey and begin walking defiantly out of Victor's Village.

I know exactly where I am heading. Walking the streets of a slumbering downtown District 12, I pass quieted construction equipment. I nurse a little disappointment that I will not see District 12 rebuilt, but as I myself am part of the demolished past I probably don't belong anyways. I walk into the Seam and head in the direction of my old house. I pause in front of the remains of my childhood. _I will see you soon._

I head to the same opening in the fence I have always crouched under to get into the woods, and even though the electricity has long been turned off and the fence is only held up by branches, this small act of defiance still gets my blood pumping. The forest is lit by the dancing light of very early morning, and I can hear my surroundings coming alive. I breath in deep savoring the scent. I am heading towards the lake. Once there, I start following a nature made path that lies beyond the cabin. After a few minutes I reach my destination. In front of me stands the tallest tree I have ever seen, a pine probably close to 200 feet tall. My father called it the Grandfather Tree. He said that it was here before any other tree and its job was to protect the forest. Although the tree is cumbersome with branches, making it easy to climb, I was always intimidated by it and had never attempted until today.

I take the work gloves out of my pocket and put them on to give myself a better grip. I begin to ascend the Grandfather Tree. Before I know it, I am already 50 feet up, but decide to go up a little further before stopping and getting settled on a branch. Looking out into the horizon, I decide that I want to finish watching the sunrise. Its beauty makes me sigh.

"Hey Katniss.", I hear coming from right beside me, and I almost fall off my branch. I turn quickly because it's a voice I haven't heard in so long. Next to me sits the tiny dark skinned tribute who my old self used to know.

"Rue?", I say with a shaky voice, tears are stinging my eyes. She looks beautiful. No longer looking starved but instead carries cherub like weight in her face. Her smile is brighter than the rising sun. "Why are you here?", I barely form the words.

"To see you of course", she is practically singing. "I've missed you Katniss." My eyes wander down to her chest and I can imagine the spear hanging out of her.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you.", I whisper as if being any louder would chase her away. Rue closes her eyes lowers her head slightly and shakes it.

"Oh no Katniss, you did the best you could, but don't worry I am in a place where there is no pain, no games, no war, no loss. I am so happy, we all are." She is smiling again.

"Is... Prim there?" I close my eyes preparing to hear the answer.

"Yes, along with so many others, all of them waiting for you. Please come soon Katniss, we miss you... we love you."

"I love you too.", but she has already gone back home. _Ah home, I'll be there soon_. I rise so I am standing on the branch and leaning with my right hand against the tree trunk. I survey the land in front of me, taking in its beauty for the last time. I raise my arms like wings at my side, I am no longer holding on, I am ready to fly. After seeing Rue my resolve is now stone, so hard that nothing could break it, well except for maybe...

"Katniss!"

_Damn it. _The voice brings on hesitation and I find myself back to leaning against the tree.

"Katniss, what are you doing!" The voice is frantic, verging on hysterical. _Just let me go, I can't be here anymore. Just let me go. _

"Go home Peeta!", I holler down. I can see him throw his hands into his blond curls on the top of his head in frustration, He grasps the hair and looks as if he might pull it out.

"Are you serious! You think I'm leaving now! Katniss, it really looked like you were about to jump!", he howls, "Were you going to jump!... Katniss!... Katniss!"

Even from this height I can tell he is hyperventilating. What am I going to do now? I sit down on the branch and look down at the boy pacing back and forth under me. I am reminded of another time Peeta had me treed.

"Peeta?... How did you even know I was here?" I ask calmly, I need to try to settle him down or he's never going to leave.

"Well I don't know Katniss, let's see.", he sneers. "I was having trouble sleeping and I was sitting at my bedroom window when I see you walking down the road predawn, with no bow, no hair, and you are giving me the last good-bye, so I followed you. Then you're up in this tree talking to yourself. Then look like you're about to take a dive".

"Why are you even here? You made it quite clear what you think of me.", my frustration is peppered throughout my statement.

"You have no idea what I think about you. Please come down and we can talk about it. Please?" The last please catches slightly. I shake my head.

"I can't do that. I'm sorry Peeta you just have to let me go." I am crying now, damn him I can't just sit here and hope he goes away; I know he won't. I need to do this now before he figures out a way to get me down. I stand up again, I am no longer holding on.

"No! Katniss, no! Shit! Why are you doing this!" His face is contorted in horror.

"Because my life is nothing but pain, every breath, every step, everything I do causes excruciating pain. I miss Prim. I miss my dad. I miss so many people my heart can't take it anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I want to be free of it, I want to fly." Sobs begin to catch in my throat. I am showing my wingspan again.

"Katniss! Damn it! Please don't do this! You can't do this, don't leave me! You are all I have! Please stay with me!" _Always. _The word tears into me. _Always. _I feel like I can't breathe. _Always. _I begin to get angry.

"You want me to stay with you, but where the fuck have you been? You just took off, you deserted me. I haven't seen you since... since...since..." I can't finish. Peeta lowers his head and I can see his shoulders slump.

"I am so sorry, Katniss. I am so sorry I acted that way, that I left, that I haven't spoken to you since then. I'm sorry, I wasn't myself. Those four days... please Katniss if you come down I can explain better, I can show you what has been going on with me since I saw you last... just please come down." He is starting to wear me down, and I am so tired. _I have to go now. _I prepare to jump andI hear Peeta's screams again.

"No! Please don't leave me!." _Come with me. _"Everyone else is gone! Please don't leave me alone." A_lone. _What a vicious word. No one deserves to be alone. Isn't that why I am here, because I am so alone, because the only person who really could be in my company had left. But now he's here, and he's alone too, or will be if I leap from this tree.

"Oh Peeta." The boy with the bread has prevented me from taking my life once again. I slowly make my way down the tree. Peeta's eyes are locked on me. When I am finally on the ground in front of him, those eyes, which are still blue, are filled with rage. His jaw is clenched shut, and his whole body rigid, he looks so heated that when he advances towards me I am afraid I'm about to get hit, but instead of an attack he wraps his strong arms around me and takes me into his warm embrace.

"Fuck you Katniss.", he breaths into my neck, and I realize that's as violent as a blue eyed Peeta would ever get towards me. Peeta then begins to sob as he clutches me tighter. I am taken aback by it. In all the time I have known the boy with the bread, besides the remnants of tears left on his face on the way to the train station those first games, I have never seen him cry, never mind sob, but here I am cocooned in his arms, my own arms wrapping around his neck, and he is sobbing. I begin to sob too. We sob for the lost, for each other and for ourselves. We remain their for a remarkably long time, and when we finally pull apart we have both cried ourselves dry. Only our puffy eyes and streaked faces betray us.

"Please don't ever leave again Peeta.", I whisper. _I can't survive without you._ He doesn't respond instead he just looks at me and a sad smile appears on his face. Eventually he holds out his hand to me. Out of instinct I allow his hand to envelop mine, our fingers entwine.

"Come on,", his voice horse from crying,"I want to show you what I have been doing these past four days." Peeta leads me out of the forest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi all, thanks again for reading, and following. I am excited to write for you all. I'm happy I could post this chapter so quick. I had actually been writing it in between editing the last one and these two chapters are so connected. I hope you all enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

Blood, flames, death, destruction and horror; that's what surrounds me, four walls of it. My hand, which is still entwined in Peeta's, is trying to strangle his. Grasping so tight that I am actually entertaining the notion that I may hurt him, but it's what I have to do to keep myself in this room of terror. Peeta has painted the spare room I am standing in with every nightmare imaginable, designed in a way to mirror a complete mental breakdown. Children being torn apart, bombs exploding, blood rain falling from the sky, and then I see me dressed in the tribute outfit from our first games. I have black wings of fire, but what disturbs me is that my eyes have been gouged out.

"Fuck me.", I manage to whisper. Why had I not checked on him at all. Between that thought and the graphic nature of what is in front of me, I am doubled over. I am positive that I am going to vomit. The room has an acrid smell that I can't place. The state of the floors and furniture is similar to the paintings on the walls, disheveled chaos. Peeta obviously wasn't in his right state of mind when _working_ in this room Still it is the mural on the walls that is making my heart palpitate. I have in the past seen some of Peeta's more violent and gory paintings, but most of them were of the first games, and those were drawn more therapeutically to help with his nightmares. This however is a result of insanity left to fester. I am at the very least not the only completely mad tribute in District 12. _Maybe we should stick together._

I take a few moments to push my nausea away and then slump to the ground on my butt. I am still attached to Peeta so he has little choice but to follow my lead. When he is sitting down beside me I finally find my voice.

"What happened?" I study his face as he looks at what he's done. He seems just as overwhelmed by it all.

"When we... ", his voice has a nervous edge to it, "... we kissed something happened. My head started spinning and I started feeling angry and I wasn't sure what we were even doing there and then I had..." he trails off.

"A flashback?" I try to finish for him. He nods in affirmation.

"Next thing I knew I came to in this room yesterday afternoon. I spent the rest of yesterday on the phone with Dr. Aurelius."

"What did he say?" I ask gently

"He said he's not surprised that a flashback was triggered, but he is concerned by the length of time I spent without cognitive thought. Though he is hopeful that _this_ is what my subconscious decided to spend its time doing rather than going on a killing spree." I smirk at this. _What is wrong with me? _"So he said he would send me a new medication to try, but he wouldn't be opposed to me going to see him in person so he can run some tests. Maybe put me in for a brain scan." I suddenly feel flushed and a little weak, my heart has started racing again, and my breath has quickened. _Get it together Katniss._

"Are you going to go?", I say with a voice so steady I surprise myself. Our eyes lock for the first time since I got out of that tree. He shrugs.

"No, I don't think so. I just got back and..." My panic goes into remission, and before I can stop myself a sigh of relief escapes my lips. This makes Peeta stop mid sentence and smirk at me.

"... and I mean who am I going to leave in charge of you? I know Haymitch can't handle it. I guess maybe Greasy Sae." This makes us both chuckle. How perplexing are we? About an hour ago, I was about to leap to my death and now here we are laughing about it. We both sit there with big stupid grins on our faces when something that Peeta says nags at me. _GREASY SAE!_

_ "_Oh shit!" I leap to my feet. Peeta jumps up as well, his eyes heavy with concern.

"What is it?"

"I have to go home like _now_! Will you come with me?" Peeta nods and we are running out the door towards my house. We bust though the front door and run to the kitchen to find Greasy Sae with tears running down her face; a note in one hand and the phone in the other. When she sees me she drops the phone. I ponder momentarily who she might have been talking to.

I notice a flash of relief cross her face at the sight of me, but that quickly changes to a face I have only seen once before. It is the same face Peeta had in my happiest memory of him. She is moving towards me, and then...

CR_ACK! _Her hand comes swift and hard across my left cheek. For being as old as she is, she sure packs a punch, and the impact makes me whimper.

"How dare you?", she screeches into my face, "You selfish fool! You think you re the only one who is hurting, who is in pain. You think you are the only one who has lost? We've all lost girl!" She has her head bowed, shaking it gently. "Is it that you don't think people care about you? You think that I am here for the pay, that Peeta puts up with your erratic and irrational behavior because he enjoys the abuse, that Haymitch shows up at all because he is bored of drinking? You are surrounded by people who care, deeply. Don't you dare spit in all of our faces by taking the coward's way out." Her demeanor begins to soften, she sighs gently, and ever so softly places the back of her striking hand to my still stinging cheek. "Listen girl, you are The Mockingjay, and I know that means nothing but death and pain for you, but for the rest of us it means something else. You have no idea the effect you have had on Panem." _She has no idea the effect she can have_; an echo in my head."Yes, we have all lost, but also look at what we've gained. Everyone alive today is free because of you. My granddaughter will never... ", her voice wavers, "... attend a reaping, because of you." Greasy Sae looks as if she is going to continue, but her next words are never formed when a loud racket comes from right behind me at the front door. I swivel and am in time to see a very winded Haymitch running into my house, his face is beet red from overexertion and carries a look of worry and maybe some sadness. I think back to the phone falling out of Greasy Sae's hands.

"Where...?", is all Haymitch gets out of his mouth between wheezing breaths. That's when he catches eye of me. In a mere second, his face registers about a dozen emotions, but the last one is definitely happiness before he tries to contort his features into a look of apathy. _You are surrounded by people who care, deeply. Greasy_ Sae's words have been animated in Haymitch's actions. Before the threat of tears comes, I begin running full tilt towards Haymitch. When I reach him I wrap my arms around his neck and nuzzle the smile I wear on my face into his chest.

"Thank you.", I tell him. It takes him a moment to recover from the impact of my body but once he does his arms are tightly wrapped around me.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart.", he whispers to me. Its odd how quickly things change. I was sure I was alone, never thinking that I was someone to hold on to. Now I am surrounded by people who care if I am alive or dead, who worry about me, who stick around because they want to and not because they feel some obligation. I am, in this moment, _happy_.

The four of us waste no time falling back into routine. Greasy Sae starts making eggs and bacon while Haymitch, Peeta and I sit at the kitchen table. Haymitch is eyeballing his _inheritance_. Rolling my eyes, I place the box under the table. I notice, as I sit up, that the letter addressed to Peeta is gone. I look over to him, and he quickly looks away indicating he knows what I have figured out.

"Can I have the letter back?" I extend my hand, palm facing up in his direction.

"Letter? What letter?", he quips back at me.

"Well, you left Sae a medium sized fortune and me a box of liquor. I'm assuming you had to have left your boy something scandalous." I ignore Haymitch's bait.

"Peeta, seriously, I'm not dead so you can't read the letter. It's not even the original anyways." I have piqued his interest and I don't care.

"Ok, Ok. I'll give it back, but you have to tell me what you left me."

"Fine, but I want the letter first." Peeta reaches into a side pocket of his brown cargo pants and retrieves the unopened letter addressed to him. The letter is barely in my hand when Peeta is leaning towards me with wide inquisitive eyes.

"Well?"

"I left you Buttercup.", I manage to deadpan before I burst out laughing. Greasy Sae and Haymitch start laughing as well. Peeta is trying to give me his best disgusted face.

"Nice Katniss, real nice", he gets out before his face is overpowered by a wide grin. He shakes his head at me.

"Geeze Sweetheart, what would you leave your enemies?", Haymitch chimes in. I flick a chunk of bacon at him before digging into into my breakfast. I am famished.

After breakfast, Haymitch and Greasy Sae head out. Peeta is about to do the same, but instead he turns and asks if we can finish the conversation we had started at his house.

"Dr. Aurelius thinks that until we get to the bottom of my last flashback, and I have things more controlled, that you and I should probably avoid anything too... physical." The blush on his face must mirror my own which is heating up my cheeks. "He just doesn't want it to trigger anything while things are still so fresh, and I agree with him. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't need you as a friend, because I do. You are the only one who gets what I've been through; you make me feel like I am getting better. You're my best friend, Katniss." I can't help the reactionary smile that creeps on my face as he talks about me. "But we have to keep boundaries, not only for our recoveries, but for our safety."

"Well I suppose we should set those boundaries, I'm assuming holding hands is fine." _Careful Katniss._

_ "_Yeah, holding hands and hugging for that matter seem to be safe.", he says candidly.

"What about this?", I ask before putting my head in his lap

"This also seems to be OK." He begins playing with my cropped do.

"And if this is OK,", I say while sitting up and cuddling against Peeta's side. He puts his arm around me and I lay my head on his shoulder. "I would assume this is OK too."

"Yeah, I would say this definitely feels good." The way he says it makes me chuckle, and I don't stop till I have a finger under my chin lifting my head to meet his eyes. "I promise, next time I feel something like that happening I will let you know. I am not going to abandon you again if I can help it." I can't help thinking that this is one of those positions we should not be in. Our eyes flickering to each others mouths and back. We may not be madly in love anymore, but we are still teenagers who are mad. We are at least the ghosts of people who would act upon this situation.

"I think we found that line.", I reluctantly give in, pulling away. I know I don't want to go four days without him again. Peeta clears his throat and gets up.

"I'm going to head home for a bit, see if I can get some cleaning done. Can I stop by again for dinner?"

"Yes.", I say with a smile. As Peeta gets to the door he picks up a few letters scattered on the floor under the mail slot, and puts them on a small table near the door.

"Hey,", he looks back at me with a small smirk on his face, "I didn't know how I felt about the hair at first, but it really is so... _you._", he flashes me a wide grin. I don't even have time to try and decipher what he means before he is out the door.

I walk over to the stack of letters and start looking though them: a letter from Octavia, a court mandated medical form that I am supposed to fill out for Dr. Aurelius and a letter that is sealed with the District 4 symbol on it. Piquing my interest I flip it over thinking it may be from my mother, but instead the return address reads A. Odair. I quickly open it to reveal its contents. I am suddenly staring at picture of a new born baby boy with sea green eyes just like his...

I open the letter. Annie is just as sweet and polite as ever, asking how things are, and about the rebuilding of the district, then she confirms what I already know. The perfect baby boy in the picture is Finnick Odair Jr., born just a few weeks ago. Tears threaten to emerge from the corners of my eyes when I think of how much this baby looks like a father he will never meet. Then I think, against all odds, this baby was born. Out of death came life. I suddenly have an idea.

I pick up the phone and call Dr. Aurelius. Peeta is always bugging me to check in with our shrink more often, but when I do call him our conversations seem so tedious. The last conversation I had was quite a few weeks back where he told me I needed to "start going through the motions". I wonder if he would consider trying to kill myself falling under that advice. His secretary puts me right through, I am a very important person after all. The doctor seems happy to hear from me. I tell him everything that has been going on for the past week, from kissing Peeta to attempting to take my life. He comments that its a good thing Peeta was around. _You aren't kidding. _I'm asked if I am still having suicidal thought to which I truthfully answer "no". He implores me to get in touch with him day or night if these dark thoughts surface again, and that I need to start checking in at least once every other week. I halfheartedly agree. I then tell him my idea which was sparked by Finnick Jr's photo. He genuinely seems to think its a great idea, and promises to send me supplies immediately.

I am so excited to tell Peeta my plan that I am practically crawling out of my skin when he finally arrives for dinner that night.

"Hey." He's holding an envelope similar to one I received today. "I got this in the mail. Annie had a baby."

"I know,", I say, "she sent me a picture too. It gave me an idea, an idea I need your help with." Peeta cocks an eyebrow at me.

"Do tell." He comes and sits at the table next to me.

"Well I was thinking, you know how we worked on my family's plant book, well I kind of wanted to do something like that, except with people. We can call it the Memory Book. We can write about a person and then either put in a photo, if we have one, or you can draw their picture in if that's something you would be interested in." Peeta's look is thoughtful and contemplative.

"I think that is a great idea." His answer allows me to sigh in relief. "When do we start?"

"I spoke with Dr. Aurelius earlier today, and he said he would send supplies right away." Peeta looks a bit shocked.

"You actually called Dr. Aurelius? Wow, Katniss." I roll my eyes at him

"Yes well I figured after the day I've been having it might have been nice to check in." Peeta gives me a knowing nod, but doesn't add anymore. What I like about new Peeta compared to old Peeta is the lack of kid gloves. He knows there's no point in protecting broken glass.

A box of loose blank paper comes by train a few days later along with other arts and craft supplies to help create the book. Peeta and I spend most of our days together now working on the Memory Book. Some pages of parchment become a perfect memorial to our fallen loved ones, while others stand as symbols of hope for the future. Finnick Jr's picture is placed on its page and Peeta draws a portrait of Annie and Finnick embracing while gazing down on the product of their love. Some days are harder then others, especially when we get to the pages of our passed family members, the preserved primrose that Peeta places on my sisters page threatens to drive me back to that tree, but Peeta's tight grip on my hand keeps me still. Eventually, Haymitch starts contributing to the book as well, giving us insight into past tributes he was made to mentor who did not make it home, past victors he had become friends with and even the tributes he knew of from his own games, which included my mother's friend Maylisee Donner – Madge's aunt.

For the first time since an 11 year old Peeta burned those loaves of bread for me, our relationship has finally become _uncomplicated. _We keep each other company, and give comfort when sadness comes. On bad days we make each other smile, and on really bad days we know to give each other space. That's not to say that I don't occasionally catch myself staring at his face especially his lips when he is intensely drawing. Or that I don't catch him out of the corner of my eye stealing glances at me only to quickly look away when it is clear I have caught him. And yes, there have been times that an embrace may have lasted a few moments too long while in the throes of sorrow. Yet these incidents are always short lived because the bottom line is that Peeta is my best friend and I am his. Some might think it's sad that our relationship will most likely never develop past what it is. We will never get married or have children, but even if that was something I was interested in doing, I know both of us are too broken for that. We are comfortable and that comfort has made us happy.

This near blissful life, sprinkled with nightmares and depression, goes on for a few months. One afternoon, while sitting in my kitchen sipping on a cup of hot chocolate, which my mother had sent me, there is a knock on the door. It makes me smile to think after all this time sweet and polite Peeta Mellark still knocks, even though my door has never been shut to him.

"You know you don't have to knock Peeta.", I muse towards the unopened door. He doesn't answer and when I open the it I realize why. In front of me stands a face from the past, a past I am just starting to put behind me.

"Hi Katniss, its really nice to see you." This greeting seems genuine enough.

"Hi Cressida, what brings you to District 12?" I try to quell the panic attack that is threatening to surface at seeing the head of my old propo television crew.

"A little business and a bit of personal stuff too." When she realizes her answer does not satisfy my innate distrust of the situation she continues, "Listen, Katniss, I'll be honest, I am doing a documentary about the games, the rebellion, the war..." I uncontrollably start shaking my head and am close to tears. She sees this and starts talking more quickly. "...but that isn't necessarily why I am here." I am sure the disbelief is apparent on my face. "Now granted I would _love_ for The Mockingjay to be involved in my documentary, but I can manage without you between the propos and the game footage. What actually brings me here is, in my research I had come across some documents that I thought you might find interesting." _Damn piqued interest._

"What documents?" My mind is racing trying to guess what they could be.

"Well, they are actually very detailed, set up almost like a diary created by a man named Dr. Julian Zane."

"Is that name supposed to mean anything to me?" I can hear my impatience breaking though.

"Well, maybe not to you,", she begins, "but I'm sure this name means a great deal to certain people you know." When my face betrays my confusion she delivers the punchline.

"He is the man who hijacked Peeta."

**Phew that was a chapter huh?... But I am so excited because I have some great plot turns coming up... At least I hope you guys think its great! Please stay tuned :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi again, Thanks so much for reading, following, and commenting. This Chapter is tragically cute, and I hope you all enjoy it!**

** I do not own the Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

Just like when I fell out of that tree or when my sister's name was called, I am again at a loss for air. Struggling to take precious breaths. Tiny white orbs have now started floating around in my vision. The revelation that Cressida has brought to my door step leaves me weak. In all the sleepless nights since the day Peeta was taken away from me, I never thought to blame anyone beyond Snow. This name, Dr. Julian Zane, has just become my new favored enemy. I find that I am leaning against the door jam, my palms are clammy and my whole body seems to be shaking.

"Can I come in Katniss? We can sit down." My surprise guest's request seems to be more for my benefit then her own. I take a few moments to make sure I can stand unassisted without fainting before I lead Cressida into the house. We head to the sitting room, because I don't want demons from Peeta's past soiling the peacefulness of meal time. We sit silently for quite awhile. I am trying to evaluate what questions need to be asked first, so that important information doesn't get lost in the given emotional breakdown I am going to have.

"Why are you showing these to me?" That seems like a good place to start. Cressida's face is filled with confusion, which just ends up adding to my own.

"Well I thought it would have been obvious, none of us had to watch the games to see how much you cared for Peeta. That deep affection was apparent in everything you did. Let's not forget I was there in 13 when Peeta came back, and when you had to go to District 2 because of it. I was there in the capitol when you brought him back with just a kiss in the middle of a war torn street. Plus, you saved my life, and I don't like owing debts." _I know the feeling. _"So this is my attempt to settle that debt. You can do what you want with the information."

Part of me is still reluctant to take what she is saying as fact. That same part also wants to slit her throat for bringing up these painful feelings in me. That part, however, does not win out and I find myself staring intently at a large manilla envelope placed on the coffee table in front of me. I am moving my hands ever so slowly towards the envelope, like I am at risk of being bit. Once the tips of my fingers have landed though, I am in a sudden frenzy and I have the envelope opened and the loose papers in my hand. I start skimming through the pages until I find something that will catch my eye. It doesn't take me long, and I find an entry that reads –

_About 15 minutes into the beating the patient (Mr. Mellark), who had begun crying, had asked for the beatings to stop. However when Mr. Mellark was asked to give us some sort of personal information on Miss Everdeen as a sign of good faith, he withdrew his request and the beating continued for another 20 minutes before the patient (Mr. Mellark) collapsed and was rendered unconscious for a time period of 2.5 hours. _

Again, I can't breathe, and dry sobs are caught in my throat. I look away from the pages and throw them at the table, bringing my knees up to my chest, hugging them tight. I close my eyes only to find that the passage is tattooed behind my eyelids. I open them and glare in the direction of Cressida, who is starting to look a little uneasy.

"What am I supposed to do with this information?" I am now glaring at the paper spread out on my coffee table.

"Whatever you want Katniss. You could just leave it at this for your own knowledge, or maybe you would like to do other things..." Her words trail off with purpose, and she waits for me to fill in the blanks. I do not humor her and decide to stay silent. She finally gives in and finishes her thought, "Perhaps revenge?" Cressida had never seemed to me a person who would stomach the idea of revenge. She had only seemed hellbent on personal advancement and maybe came off as a little snooty, so how, I wonder, does suggesting revenge to me benefit her.

"How can I get revenge? The rebellion has already taken care of it." It is then at reflection of my own words that I form my next question. "Dr. Zane died during the rebellion, _Right?. _I can not tell all of what Cressida's face betrays, but I do know pity is part of it.

"No Katniss, The doctor is alive, and he is still working for the government. They find his forms of persuasiveness, especially those used with Peeta, an... _asset_." Her last word seems to sting her as much as it does me. What she has said threatens to overwhelm me. Peeta is made to suffer through life, trying to regain his memories and his self, while this monster not only is allowed to live, but is given a job in a government who swore to defend us against men like this. It is all too much and the next thing I know my head is in a toilet and I am emptying my insides. Cressida patiently waits in the sitting room. When I have composed myself, I walk back in the room and try to get the answer to a question that the paranoia in my head won't relent.

"If I get revenge on Zane, how does that benefit you?" She looks at me and a small almost mad looking smile creeps onto her face.

"You'd make a great investigative reporter, Katniss." I stay emotionless while she continues, "I have my reasons, and let's just say I have lost too." Sorrow fills her eyes only momentarily before she composes herself again. _We have all lost_ I hear in my head. We are all the children of ghosts and with that comes a certain level of camaraderie. Cressida has given me something to work with, and I would like to give her something in return.

"Cressida, if you have your camera, I'd like to give you something for your documentary." She looks at me shocked, but that is quickly wiped away by a sly smile.

"Hang on, let me get it out of my bag."

About an hour later, we have wrapped up a segment of my own creation. I think how old Katniss would have been horrified about what I had just done, but nowadays old Katniss doesn't have a say, and current Katniss doesn't really give a shit. In the end, it is future Katniss' problem, so I hope she handles it well. Without hugs or promises neither of us means, Cressida and I part ways. She leaves the manilla envelope with the copy of Zane's journal in my possession, so that I can peruse it at my convenience.

The first thing I do after Cressida leaves is call Greasy Sae, letting her know I am feeling ill and won't be up for dinner tonight but will see her in the morning. I then call Peeta and give him the same excuse. The tone of his voice carries a worried edge, but he seems to accept what I am saying at face value and promises to see me tomorrow. I don't bother to call Haymitch because I know Peeta will go over there for dinner tonight. I grab some blankets from my bedroom and bring them downstairs to the sitting room. I move the coffee table to the side of the room so a majority of the floor is free. I plop down, wrap myself in blankets and start going through the journal page by page. I come across a few passages about Johanna Mason, about her water torture and beatings. _Poor Johanna_ I think to myself wondering how shes doing with her rehabilitation. There is even an entry about Annie in here, about her psyche test being inconclusive and her not being of sound mind to get information from. However, the entries about Peeta far outweigh the rest.

_The patient (Mr. Mellark) was asked if he was in love with Miss Everdeen. His answer was recorded as yes, when asked if he would do anything for Miss Everdeen, his answer was yes, when asked if he would die for Miss Everdeen his answer was yes_

_The patient (Mr. Mellark) seems to be whispering the word "katniss" in his sleep, it is assumed that this is in reference to Miss Everdeen. When woken up he shows signs of fear. Heart rate and Blood pressure were elevated._

_ The patient (Mr. Mellark) was shown footage of the destruction of District 12, followed by footage of Miss Everdeen in the remains of District 12. When it was suggested that Miss Everdeen was responsible for the bombing, the patient (Mr. Mellark), spit in the interviewers face, claiming that Miss Everdeen was incapable of such actions. He then asked if his family was dead. When answered Yes, the patient (Mr. Mellark) vomited. _

_ The patient (Mr. Mellark) was asked to state that he would renounce the Mockingjay (Miss Everdeen), and ask for her capture in an interview to avoid being beaten. The patient (Mr. Mellark) refused. The beatings lasted for 23 minutes before the patient was rendered unconscious. His nose was broken in the process, along with his left 7__th__ rib, and his right index finger. His left ear drum was also ruptured. _

_ The patient (Mr. Mellark) was made to watch the footage of the 74th Hunger Games while attached to electric probes. Every time Miss Everdeen appeared on screen he was shocked with __800 __milliamps__ of electricity which lasted about 3 seconds in duration._

_ Footage obtained by hidden cameras in the woods surrounding District 12 of Miss Everdeen and Gale Hawthorne kissing were shown to the patient (Mr. Mellark.) The footage seemed to garner a negative response from the patient. After viewing he asked to be brought back to his cell._

_ The tracker jacker venom was used for the first time today on the patient (Mr. Mellark). After administration the patient (Mr. Mellark) was shown footage of the 74__th__ hunger games, specifically that obtained while the patient and Miss Everdeen were hidden in a cave. While the patient watched, the interviewer explained to the patient that all affection shown by Miss Everdeen was simply for the camera's. The patients reaction was inconclusive._

_ After dose of TJ venom, the patient (Mr. Mellark) was shown footage of Miss Everdeen dropping a tracker jacker nest on himself and other tributes during the 74__th__ Hunger games. When it was pointed out to the patient that Miss Everdeen tried to murder him, the patient began to cry._

_ After dose of TJ venom the patient (Mr. Mellark) was re-shown the footage of District 12 bombing followed by the footage of Miss Everdeen in the destroyed District 12. After viewing, the patient asked if Miss Everdeen had killed his parents. When he was answered with Yes, the patient got up and threw his chair against a wall._

_ When the patient (Mr. Mellark) was asked if he loved Miss Everdeen, his answer was no._

With each entry my heart breaks a little more, and there are hundreds more I can't even bare to look at. Sweet, beautiful Peeta destroyed because of me, made to hurt in every way possible because of me. I would cry if I didn't feel so numb. Instead, I become catatonic, staring off a million miles and wishing I was there, that I could take Peeta with me, keep him safe always. When I come out of the fog, I realize it is morning, but I haven't slept. I notice the papers scattered all over my floor about a heartbeat before there is a knock on my door. Today I am glad Peeta knocks. I quickly gather all the papers and hide them under a couch cushion before opening the door. Peeta's morning smile slowly fades as he looks at me. I am suddenly aware of my appearance: yesterday's clothes, greasy hair sticking up all over, red puffy eyes cradled by dark circles.

"Sorry.", I begin, "It's been a bad couple of days." Then I look at him, and I think of the journal entries and what hes been through, what he sacrificed and I am overwhelmed. I leap towards him wrap my arms around his neck hugging him, putting my face in his chest. "Sorry.", I say again, because in this moment I need to apologize to him. Peeta doesn't waste any time reciprocating the embrace by wrapping his arms around me, but after awhile he pulls away looking me in the eyes, a smirk on his face.

"Hey, don't be sorry, you don't have to get all dolled up for me. I have seen you way worse than this before." He chuckles lightly, and I playfully smack the side of his left arm. Eventually however the concern creeps back onto his face. "You sure you're alright?" Peeta, always concerned for others.

"Yes, I'm fine, I promise, but I don't think I'm up for working on the book today." Peeta's face betrays a bit of disappointment, but that is quickly replaced by a nod of agreement at my admission.

Breakfast goes on as usual. However, I find myself letting my eyes linger on Peeta for longer and longer intervals. Suddenly, I want to go over and hold him tell him everything is going to be OK, that I will always be there for him. I want to kiss him where it hurts, to hold him while he sleeps to rid him of the nightmares that the capitol caused. My stomach is filled with balled anxiety and I am afraid I am not going to be able to keep my breakfast down. _Why my Peeta? _I am surprised by the possessiveness of this mental statement, and am happy breakfast ends soon after it. Peeta gets up to leave. He informs me that he is going to town for awhile, but will call to check in on me when he gets back. I find myself longing for that phone call, but know I have things to do before then.

After Peeta leaves, I head down to the basement and grab two bottles of white liquor from the box labeled Haymitch. I stuff the papers back in their manilla home and head over to my mentors house, knowing that he is the only person in this world with whom I can discuss this new burden that threatens to consume me.

I knock on Haymitch's door, but don't wait for him to answer. Letting myself in, I find him asleep on his couch. I shake his shoulder roughly until he wakes up. He looks at me through one bloodshot eye.

"Whaddya want?" His voice is horse and his breath reeks of cheep booze.

"I need your advice, get up I'll be at the kitchen table getting started."

"Started doin' what?" I don't answer him; I simply walk to the table avoiding the clutter as I move, sit in a chair and pop open one of the bottles of liquor. I take my first painful swig. The liquid burns as it travels down my throat, eventually warming my stomach, my eyes water and I let out a small cough. The second burns less, but makes me shudder nonetheless. I am on my third shot of the vile concoction before my company arrives. When Haymitch sees the bottle grasped in my hand, he cocks an eyebrow and smirks.

"Where's my bottle, Sweetheart?" I show him the bottle in my other hand that has been hanging at my side.

"I have it here, you can have it after you read this." I smack the manilla envelope on the table before taking my fourth swig. "You are going to be happy you have a full bottle after you see what's in there." I take a fifth swig and a fuzzy warmth begins to encompass my body. Haymitch's interest has been piqued apparently because he sits right down slowly pulling out the loose papers, which are no longer organized. Some are wrinkled and ripped. His eyes widen and his mouth drops open when recognition of what's in front of him begins to set in. Without a word he begins to read and I continue to drink.

Haymitch silently reads while I silently daydream about Peeta's lips. The fuzzy feeling continues to intensify. I think about kissing his soft lips, over and over again, then I begin to feel guilty knowing how sick I had made him the last time with my kisses. I tell myself if I ever had one wish it would be to be able to kiss Peeta all day long for the rest of my life without him getting hurt. The thought makes me so happy that a strange giggle escapes my lips. I would continue my reverie fueled by the remainder of my bottle of white liquor if it were not for Haymitch clearing his throat, bringing me back to the magnitude of the situation. I wipe off my giddy grin and try to get a grip on why I am here. I slide the unopened bottle of liquor towards Haymitch, who opens it immediately, before taking another shot from my own bottle.

"Where did you get this?"

"Cressida, she thought she owed me something for saving her life. Also let me know that Dr. Zane is still alive, has himself a cozy Government job, how just _fucking fantastic_ is that?

"And you're here to get my blessing to kill him." I laugh out loud

"Haymitch believe me If I ever met this guy in real life, the only way you'd be able to keep me from killing him was to kill me first." This answer incites a smile from Haymitch. "I'm here because I want to know if I should tell Peeta I have seen this." Haymitch starts shaking his head and the motion makes me a little queasy. I have to look away.

"No way in Hell should you let that boy know you have seen this. I don't know how he would react if he knew, but it wouldn't be good at all. You keep this to yourself." I accept what he's saying and pull another shot from my bottle before I continue.

"He _loved_ me Haymitch, like follow me to the moon and back _loved _me, and its all gone, and I was a stupid fool. I would give anything not just for him to love me again, but to be worthy of his love. I would give anything to be the kind of person he deserves.", the drunken words are falling out of my mouth, and tears begin to sting my eyes. Haymitch looks at me with sadness in his eyes and there may be a tear or two threatening to surface.

"Sweetheart, listen, I know the last time we got drunk together I told you that you could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him, and maybe that was true for old Katniss and Peeta. But you two have been so badly misshapen since then that it is like two completely different people. These new versions of you deserve to be happy. Plus, no one else out there will put up with either of you. Give the boy some time, he was always better then you at seeing reason."

"Thank you.", I mouth at him before standing up to leave. Once I am standing, I realize how drunk I am. I hear Haymitch chuckle behind me at the sight of my unsteadiness.

"This time don't get me in trouble with your boy for you being drunk, you hear me?" I give a thumbs up over my right shoulder indicating that I won't, and somehow make it out the door. As I leave Haymitch's, it seems that more houses have been constructed in Victor's Village since I had gone in. I slowly try to walk in the direction I think my house is. My walk is choppy and uncoordinated. I quickly give up on trying to make it any further, deciding instead to just go to sleep right here. That is when I see him. Like a mirage in the desert, he seems to appear out of nowhere walking towards me. The sight of him makes me smile and when he is close enough to me I reach out and touch him to make sure he's real.

"Katniss? You ok?", Peeta asks.

"I am now!", I exclaim before embracing him for the second time today. "I missed you so much."

"Katniss, are you drunk?" His voice sounds ever so slightly annoyed

"A little, I told you, it was a bad day." His face shows signs of disappointment, but it doesn't stop me from saying what I need to say. "Peeta, you are perfect, do you know that?" I begin tracing his left cheek with my thumb. "You are so perfect and I'm not, but that's OK because you are." My rambling seems to be causing the corners of Peeta's mouth to twitch slightly threatening a smile. I continue, "I am so sorry that people hurt you. I_ hate_ the people that hurt you, you never deserve to feel pain ever." My thumb starts tracing his lips and his face begins to stiffen. I back away. "I'm sorry I really want to kiss you right now, but I'm not going to because I never want you to be sick again. You know that right?" His nod is accompanied by a smile that I can only think would follow an _Oh that Katniss. _"Thanks for being my friend Peeta.", is all I manage to get out before the world is spinning. Peeta must have noticed my vertigo because he is instantly at my side and has scooped me up in his arms. I feel so warm and safe. I don't know where he is taking me, but I don't care because I would go anywhere with this boy. With my head on his right shoulder I whisper into his neck "I love your eyes, blue hidden under a light blanket of sun-kissed lashes ." I watch the goosebumps my words solicit form on his neck and reflect to myself how inebriation has made me a poet, or just the boy with the bread has. I close my eyes.

When I open my eyes again I am aware that I am in my own house and am being brought upstairs to my bedroom. I want more than anything to ask Peeta to stay but even drunk I know this would be a bad idea. After Peeta gently places me in the bed, he leans over and places a soft kiss on my forehead. This gesture makes me sigh out loud.

"Get some sleep Katniss.", I hear him whisper before leaving my room, closing the door behind him. I bask in the warmth created by those lips, and begin to imagine his lips on other places on my body. I begin to feel butterflies well up in my stomach. "Oh Peeta.", I whisper to myself. The butterflies I notice seem to be flapping a little too aggressively in my stomach full of liquor and I have to race to the bathroom. I just make it to the toilet when my stomach contents are coming up for the second time today. While I sit there, my head surrounded by porcelain, there is only one thought that is running through my head. _I am in love with Peeta Mellark._


	6. Chapter 6

**I am going to call this chapter a transition chapter. I really needed to do 1or 2 things in the chapter to be able to move the storyline alone, which will be resuming next chapter. I however didn't want to give you a throw away chapter either, so I tried to fill this with good scenes and I decided to experiment with a what ill call "Lemon Zest" in this chapter... I have never written anything remotely lemony before so I am a little self conscious about it, and hope I didn't botch it too much. In any case thanks for following, and commenting and of course reading. Enjoy!**

I awake to find morning pouring into my window. This confuses me. After I had vomited everything I had into the toilet, I took a warm shower to clean off, then hopped into bed. I expected to only sleep till dinner, but my body obviously had other plans. I spot a glass of water accompanied by two pain pills on my bedside table; I know I didn't put them there. I also see that my clothes, which I had unceremoniously torn off my body and thrown to the floor along with the towel I used after my shower, are now folded neatly on a chair. The sight of the towel makes me remember that I never put anything on after my shower. I lift the blankets, and indeed I am naked. Now anxiety over my nude state is sprouting while I try to figure out who had been in my room. It was either Sae or Peeta, no doubt about that. I just hope, if it was Peeta, that my appearance was, at the very least, modest. I sit myself up in bed, only to discover I have a pounding headache, leaving me nothing but grateful for the pain pills and water within arms reach. After the pills have gone down, I slowly sip the tepid water. Besides the headache, I really do feel great; I slept really well, no nightmares. The tendrils of empathy grab out to me and I can understand why Haymitch drinks. Personally, I would still choose the nightmares, but if I didn't feel shame, I would probably rather the bottle.

As I wake up, I gradually begin to recount the day before. _Oh no! _The things I read, said, did. I am immediately humiliated. What must Peeta think of me? _Oh no, Peeta. _Suddenly, I remember my time in my porcelain confessional. Last night I was in love with Peeta Mellark, but that was the alcohol right? Those feeling couldn't have carried over to a sober morning, could they? I quickly assess my feelings and come to the sobering truth: I am still in love with Peeta Mellark._ Damn it! _So much for an uncomplicated relationship. I grab the closest pillow to me, with both fists and teeth, and proceed with a muffled scream. When I am done, I let out a loud groan, throw the pillow against a wall and get out of bed.

I pull on my robe and head to the bathroom. I know there is only one person who I can talk about this with and she is staring right back at me as I look in the mirror. I take a deep breath and then say what's on my mind.

"I know we're in love with Peeta, but that just isn't going to work. We can't chase Peeta away, he has made his wishes clear and we don't want to lose him. So we are just going to have to be secretly in love with Peeta and leave it at that. I mean, how hard could it be? Peeta did it for 11 years." I begin to smirk, "Maybe one day we will be on live TV, in front of the entirety of Panem, and we can confess our love for him then." We both start laughing hysterically at what was just said. _We are so clever_. Our laughter, however is abruptly ended by a loud knock on my bedroom door.

"Girl, you stop your mad cackling and you get downstairs. Breakfast is ready and you have guests." I hear Greasy Sae grunt and then walk away from the door. I look back at myself in the mirror.

"We have to keep it together. We can't lose Peeta." We give each other a nod of agreement and go our separate ways. I proceed to get dressed and head downstairs.

As I head into the kitchen, the low whispers that I heard once I got to the bottom of the stairs have completely stopped, and I have three people looking up at me grinning wildly. When I see Peeta I immediately blush. _Way to go Katniss! _I look down as nonchalant as I can, pretending to ignore the room of smiles in front of me as I sit down. I am happy when Greasy Sae puts a plate of food in front of me. Since most of what I consumed yesterday was booze, which was evacuated from my body in the afternoon, I am starving. I dig into my food ravenously, but moments later realize I am the only one eating and still have three sets of eyes on me.

"What?", I ask with a mouth full of food and a knife and fork in my hands. Peeta has a knowing smirk on his face.

"Well Katniss, I was just admiring your eggs there. They are really perfect you know, my eggs...", he gestures down at his plate, "...Not so perfect, but I mean yours are perfect so its OK." Out of the corners of my eyes I can see both Haymitch and Greasy Sae on the verge of hysterics. I should be mad, and maybe normally I would be upset with Peeta for outing my transgressions to everyone in the free world, but I suddenly understand what he is doing. Peeta is saving our relationship. Where my inebriated state tried to confuse it, perfect Peeta is perfectly defusing the situation before it becomes a problem. _One of the many reasons why I love you. _I glance around the room, Haymitch and Sae still barely hold back laughter. I lock eyes with Peeta who still mocks me with his smirk.

"Your eggs aren't perfect you say." I use the knife in my left hand to gesture towards his plate, "May I?" I don't wait for his permission, and grab his plate from in front of him. He gives a little sound of protest, but doesn't try and stop me. I begin sampling the eggs from each plate, occasionally stopping to give a look of deep thought. I don't stop till both our eggs are completely gone.

I slide his egg-less plate back to him, look at him with my best straight face and say, "I think you were right Mellark, my eggs were definitely _perfect._" I then begin rubbing my belly and add, "Yum". Haymitch and Greasy Sae are all laughs now. "Sae, next time lets not cheat the boy on his eggs.", using my napkin to hide the smile that threatens to ruin my skit. Peeta tries to give me a sad look, dropping his jaw. I reward him with a huge smile and he gives me one in return. _We're OK._ Breakfast continues. Peeta's sad puppy face even gets Greasy Sae to make him more eggs.

Greasy Sae is just starting to clean up plates when there is a knock on the door. She places the stack of plates onto the table and answers the door. Behind it stands two men, both dressed in identical black suits with white shirts and black ties, both men are also wearing sunglasses. One of them is tall, dark hair, probably in his thirties and generally attractive. His Partner is shorter in stature, but has District 4 bronzing in the color of his skin.

"Can I help you." Greasy Sae says in what could be called Seam politeness.

The taller man removes his sunglasses, revealing crystal blue eyes, and replies with a charismatic smile, "We are looking for a Katniss Everdeen. Is she here?" My heart starts racing, and my breath becomes shallow. I turn and look at Peeta, who's staring right back at me looking just as worried.

"Whose asking?", Haymitch spits gruffly before standing up.

"Agents Bradley and Bowditch,", gesturing to his bronzed partner, "with The United Government of Panem. We are here with a certified letter for Katniss Everdeen, and we will be staying here until we deliver it in person.", he says lightly, finishing with a winning smile. I spot the envelope in his hand, and make the quick decision that they are not actually here to escort me to a new Hunger Game; I stand up still looking at Peeta.

"I'm Katniss Everdeen." I turn to face the men in my doorway.

"Hello Miss Everdeen." I cringe at the title used in Zane's journal. "I am Agent Bradley. This letter... ", he hands me the envelope, "... is for you. Please touch your thumb to this to confirm that you have received the letter.", he holds a small datapad out for me and I oblige him. "Thank you Miss Everdeen, have a good day." Just like that the men in suits are gone. I don't even go back to my seat before opening it, not having any idea what it could be, but usually anything government related is bad news. Suddenly Peeta is standing next to me, the front of his right shoulder pressed against the back of my left.

_Miss Katniss Everdeen,_

_ We are writing to inform you that as a condition of your release, it is required that you attend, and when needed participate in, the celebration of the very first Independence Day of Panem. We hope to see you there, because failure to do so would be a violation for your probation and may result in prison time._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Charlene Weisenheimer_

_ Case Worker, Judicial Sector_

_ The United Government Of Panem _

The date for Independence Day is a date I know all too well. It was the day I lost my sister; I suppress the urge to cry. I feel violated, the government, in any form, has already taken their pound of flesh from me three-fold. Now, just because of who I am and what I've done, they have the right to dust me off to display as a capitol made oddity while holding the threat of prison over my head. I begin wondering if jail could really be that bad, and then I think that Zane is probably in charge of inmate control and decide to come up with a better plan.

"We can always run away into the woods, I still don't think that's a bad idea.", Peeta's voice suggests that he's kidding, but his eyes tell me otherwise. My heart skips a beat when I realize that after everything, he would still run away with me if I asked. I am tempted. We can't leave though, Peeta is on psychiatric medication that we don't have access to in the woods. Plus, there is my mother to think about; all the way in District 4. I am not willing to believe that this new Capitol is any less barbaric, especially since I know who they employ. I'm sure they would punish my mother if we left. It really is tempting though, and those eyes aren't helping. I drop my gaze and shake my head.

"No, we definitely missed our chance to run. I think we're stuck now." _I am so sorry we didn't run Peeta. _Everyone in the room seems to concur with what I am saying. I excuse myself and spend the rest of the day in bed sorting through feelings, coming to terms with information I know, and preparing myself for what lies ahead. In three weeks I will be heading back to the capitol to _celebrate_ a day that I lost everything.

Over the next few days, both Haymitch and Peeta receive their non-hand-delivered, much-less-threatening invitations to the Independence Day celebration. Although Haymitch's is followed shortly afterward by a phone call telling him, as my court appointed guardian, he is required to come with me. Even though I turned 18 months ago, I need a clean bill of sanity before I am no longer in need of a guardian. That just leaves Peeta with the ability to stay as far away from this freak show as possible.

"I think I'm going to go.", Peeta informs us during breakfast later that week. Haymitch grunts, I just look at him not understanding why he would _choose_ to go. After breakfast I walk Peeta to the door. I grab his arm before he leaves. He looks down at my hand before looking at me.

"You really don't have to go Peeta, I wouldn't be going if I had the choice. The Capitol has never been good to any of us." He takes my hand off his arm and entwines his fingers in it.

"Well, I would like to believe that The Capitol isn't _The Capitol_ anymore." _Wouldn't we all _"Plus, we protect each other, that's what we do. How am I supposed to do that from District 12?" He gives me a shy smile and my stomach is filled with flutters again. He may not be _in love_ with me, but he does love me, and he is going to The Capitol to protect me. I give off a funny laughing, crying sound, before untangling our fingers and wrapping my arms around his neck for a hug. _This would be so much easier if I could hate him._

"Thank you." I do mean it. If I am going to be honest with myself, I don't think I could have truly made this trip without him. I have never traveled to the capitol without him by my side.

The next few weeks has everyone a bit on edge. We are all quick to snap at one another, though none of us takes it personally because we all understand. Nevertheless, the atmosphere in the house is just as cold and bitter as its starting to become outside. The terror of my dreams has become amplified since I received my _invitation. _The most memorable one being:

_ We are on the train to The Capitol, but I can't find Peeta. All the doors are locked and I am wandering down the hallway of the sleeper car. Suddenly Snow is at one end and Coin is at the other. They flash toothy grins in my direction. I can't escape. That's when I hear their screams; Prim, my mother, Peeta, Rue, Cinna, Haymitch, Finnick, Sae. All of them screaming behind doors I can't get into. The only thing that drowns out the screams is the maniacal laughter of Snow and Coin as blood seeps out from under each door. _

My screams are usually so loud after this specific dream, that I tend to get a phone call from Peeta soon after my screams cease. He is always polite, telling me that he was already up when my screams woke up the rest of the district. I will sit at the table, my head down, and the receiver to my ear, listening to Peeta's soothing voice telling me that I am OK now, that Snow and Coin are dead, that they can't hurt me anymore. He tells me he will keep me safe always. The next thing I know I am waking up to the beeping of a phone off its hook. I end up having to climb back into my bed alone. _Damn Capitol!_

The morning of our departure to The Capitol is anxiety ridden. I have checked my bags to make sure I have everything I need about half a dozen times. I feel nauseous, my breath has quickened and I can't seem to keep my palms dry. The day is cold, and there is a spattering of snowflakes falling from above. A car has been sent to pick the three of us up and bring us to the station. Haymitch gets into the front and Peeta and I are in the back. As soon as the car starts driving Peeta and I find each others hands. I try to dry my hand on the seat before locking with his. Not a word is spoken. We board the train silently as well. This train is not as fancy as the ones sent before the games, but we each have a private room and the three of us share a common area. As the train pulls away from District 12, I am nervously biting any bit of nail off my fingers, Peeta is sketching madly, and Haymitch is off looking for the bar car. I don't think we eat all day, and we mostly keep to ourselves. When night falls we make our way to our rooms, hoping for sleep, wishing to be anywhere but here.

I lie in my bed, my chest heaving rapidly. I am in the midst of a panic attack. I have to sit up occasionally and check the pulse in my neck because I am sure my heart is going to pound its way out of my body. I pace back and forth whimpering because I can't get a handle on myself. I end up going into the bathroom, taking a hot shower, hoping it will calm me down. When that doesn't help, I resort to talking to myself in the mirror, which does help sometimes.

"Calm down, Katniss, it will be OK." I can tell by the look on her face that she doesn't believe me. I almost think I hear her tell me to go find Peeta. I can't do that though. Peeta and I haven't been together while we slept since the last time we were in the arena, and a lot has changed since then. I know for sure that sleeping in the same bed is definitely a position that is going to cause issues between us. I try to go back to bed, only to start bargaining with myself. _Maybe you could just see if he's awake. If he is, at least see if he'll stay up with you, because you are not going to sleep tonight. _After some internal debate I decide, what can the harm of Peeta and I hanging out in the common room all night be. I get out of bed throw a robe on over my pajamas. I try to figure out whether I would rather Peeta be awake or sleeping soundly. I decide I am only going to knock on his door ever so lightly, because I would never want to rob anyone of a good nights sleep.

My head is down as I walk out my door, but it is jerked up by the sound of someones door closing. Right in front of me stands Peeta, in plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt, looking at me curiously.

"Hey.", he says

"Hey."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"No.", I shake my head, "You?". He shakes his head in response. Suddenly we start talking at the same time.

"I was wondering..."

"I was coming to see..."

Neither of us finishes and we are both giggling nervously. Peeta is shyly looking away. _Time to be brave, Katniss._

"Peeta...um... Maybe just for tonight... 'Cause we are on this fucking train... Maybe we could..."

"I thought you were never going to ask.", Peeta chimes in before grabbing my hand and leading me back to his room. Peeta gets into the bed first, and lifts the blankets up for me to join him. I start to get nervous.

"Peeta, if it gets weird you'll tell me, right?" He nods his head which is enough for me. I climb in under the covers next to him. Peeta lies on his back, I curl up next to him, my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. _I 've missed that sound. _With his arm wrapped around my shoulders I finally drift off to sleep. The nightmares never come, instead...

_I am lying in bed staring at light dancing on the ceiling. All of a sudden he is above me, and he is more beautiful than a setting sun. His scars are gone and his eyes are happy. This is old Peeta, and from the look on his face I can tell he not only loves me, but wants me, hungers for me. He starts with my mouth, kissing it delicately, then more aggressively, his tongue is soft like velvet and enters my mouth gliding across my own. As he pulls away he gently bites my bottom lip, before taking his kisses to my neck, every once in a while flicking his tongue at the more sensitive parts. His mouth is suddenly at my ear, which he nibbles at before whispering, "I love you Katniss." The words I long to hear, his words, make me moan out loud. He sits up and pulls me to a sitting position as well. He is hungrily kissing me again stopping only to pull my shirt over my head exposing my naked breasts. I look down nervously, afraid of how I must look like to him, but my scars are gone as well. The hungry look on Peeta's face as he looks at my partially naked body seems to intensify. He lies me back down, and his mouth works its way down from my lips leaving a trail of soft kisses which give me chills. His tongue flicks at my right nipple before his mouth consumes it all together, biting down ever so slightly, his other hand cupping my left breast. This act makes me moan even louder. His kisses are on the move again. He passes by my navel and is pulling down my pants, eventually tossing them aside. I am completely naked now. The desire in Peeta's eyes and the hitch in his breath as he takes me in makes me want more. He smiles at me before he continues. He is now going between kissing and biting my inner thighs, his fingertips gliding lightly up and down my body. Without notice his tongue is inside of me. My knees fall open and my hands tangle in his blond curls, and I am moaning louder and louder. As his tongue moves sharply over just the most sensitive places, a pressure is building inside of me, leaving me with a deep ache that I desperately need to satisfy. I am screaming his name louder and louder, as my need grows deeper and deeper. I am biting my bottom lip so hard I 'm afraid I may draw blood. Finally the pressure is too much and I have no choice but to explode. I shake uncontrollably, and Peeta climbs back up to my face, giving me a long lingering kiss. I feel like I can't breath as he pulls away, but still manage to whisper ,"I love you Peeta."_

My eyes flutter open, and I exhale a single word "Peeta" before I can stop it. I suddenly gasp and my eyes go wide. This warm pillow under me is not a pillow at all, its instead the boy I just dreamed about. _Shit. _I slowly lift my head up, ready to face the humiliation of an awake Peeta. Awoken by my screams while in the throes of passion. I grimace and squint, not wanting to see blue eyes looking at me. I can't help but release a sigh of relief when I see that Peeta is still sleeping soundly. I look at his peacefully slumbering face, and yes, this version of Peeta may have scars, but he is no less beautiful to me, and I am no less in love._ I am in trouble. _I am thinking about the intensity of the dream, while gazing at him. I need to touch him. I put an elbow in my pillow and prop my head up with my hand so I am looking down on Peeta. _I shouldn't be doing this. What if he wakes up? _I take a gentle finger and, without breathing, trace it over the scars on his forehead. I slowly work my way down his cheek before making it to his lips. Lips so soft. I crave those lips more than most things. My finger lightly glides across them over and over again. Suddenly Peeta's head moves, but I am not greeted by blue instead I am greeted by lips as they drowsily press into mine. His kisses are so gentle, his mouth opening only slightly, the tip of his tongue barely touching mine. My heart is thumping so loud that I am sure Haymitch could hear it in the next room. _Is this it? Has the capitol-made-monster finally gone away for good? Can we finally get on with our fucking lives? Be together always? _I feel Peeta pull away and I smile, wanting that to be the first thing he sees as he looks at me. That's when I notice, his eyes aren't going to see anything at all, they are still shut. I go to say something, but stop myself. Peeta is laying back down, fast asleep. I am completely stunned and at a loss for anything coherent. _He was asleep the whole time? _I involuntarily groan and my back hits the bed, I am back to staring at the ceiling. I am not going to be able to sleep, this time its for a different reason.

**Author's Note: Agent Bradley looks like Freddie Prinze Jr. in my head. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for reading...I've had a ton of false starts with this story. Its looked funny every time I've put it on the site so hopefully all is well this time.**

**This is the longest chapter ever so I hope you don't mind! ;) Keeping in mind the M rating there is a tinsy bit of violence in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

**Enjoy!**

My eyes hesitantly open. I squint at the day trying to invade me. _I guess I fell asleep. _My body carries the ache of not enough sleep. In my slumber I curled up next to Peeta again, though my head never migrated back to his chest. As my brain begins functioning, I become aware that my hair is being played with. I want to just lie here feeling his fingers frolic through my hair for the rest of the day, maybe even the rest of my life. My contented smile gives me away.

"Morning.", Peeta says gently. I find it tragic when his fingers pull away from my hair. I sit up propped next to Peeta

"How did you sleep?"

"Great, you?"

"Slept great too.", I lie. "No nightmares.", I add truthfully.

"Good." The moment just got awkward; we are awake and the nightmares are behind us, but we are lying together in bed. We are over the line. I jump out of the bed.

"I'm going to go clean up, see you for breakfast. We should be at The Capital soon." I go to leave but stop suddenly. I look at Peeta and smile, "Thanks Peeta." I am not sure what I am thanking him for, but Peeta's smile makes me think he understands. I head to my room and take a very long shower, totally losing myself in thought. I think about last night, about the way Peeta feels and smells. The way his fingers running through my hair give me goosebumps down my neck. I think about the dream, and how I will never be that intimate with Peeta ever; not from a lack of want. Then I have a depressing thought: _Is this how Peeta felt all this time? With the games and the tour and those times back in District 12? Did he have dreams of me when I asked him to share my bed? Did he painfully long for more of me when we were wrapped around each other, under the covers in intimate positions that were never meant to be intimate?_ _I'm such an ass. _I guess this is what I get. With my head bowed under the stream of water, I begin to feel defeated, and then I begin to get angry. I don't try to stop myself when I punch the shower wall.

Everyone seems less anxious at breakfast, but we still seem to have little to talk about. After eating I find myself standing at the window, losing myself in the ever moving countryside. As the train enters the mountain tunnel at the last stretch of our journey, I find that I am shaking. I can't even think, my mind is void of all thought. This is my body's physiological response to coming back to this place. My hands look so pale right now and are clenching the bar at the window. My body is tingling. Sweat is beading at my brow.

"You better go grab your girl, she's about to go down.", Haymitch relays crudely.

Peeta is now behind me with one hand on my elbow and the other on my shoulder. He leans in close so that his mouth is very close to my ear. I try to focus on our reflection in the glass, rather than the darkness beyond it.

"It will be OK, Katniss.", he soothes into my ear, tickling me with his breath. "I promise I won't let anything happen to you, this time or ever again. I will keep you safe. Let's go sit down." I know he was whispering to keep what he was saying from Haymitch, but I wonder if he knows what these intimate little moments do to me. Then I remember my thoughts from my shower and I admit when the rolls were reversed I had no idea what I could have been doing to him. I spend the rest of train ride sitting in a chair with my head between my legs.

We disembark from the train and are standing on the platform, all of us feeling a little confused. This was usually where Effie would shine, dragging us from place to place so that we didn't have to think about it ourselves. People like Effie probably have little use in this new government. I am relieved when I see a short, fat man with a brown suit holding a sign that reads_ Everdeen -Party of 3. _The man seems completely disinterested in us, but leads us to a long black car with many windows. He opens the back door for us and we pile in. The inside of this car is amazing. The semicircle of seats are lined with a plush red material, that I can't help but continue to rub my hands over. There is a TV, a refrigerator. and to Haymitch's delight, a fully stocked bar. Peeta sits across from me staring, concern plastered on his face.

"Are you OK?" I nod, but I am so tired. I end up curling up on my section of seats and dozing off. I am awoken some time later by Peeta's hand gently shaking my shoulder. I sit up groggily trying to get my bearings. The car is stopped and the man in the brown suit is opening the door waiting for us to exit. When we've climbed out of the car we are standing in front of the Regal Hotel. It looks to be a very fancy hotel in the downtown district. A bellhop comes out and grabs our bags and motions for us to follow him into the lobby of the hotel. This place is spectacular. A very large crystal chandelier hangs above as we come through the entrance. To our left a wide, red-carpeted staircase. To our right appears to be a lounge of some sort where a man in a tuxedo plays on a grand piano. There are fancy dressed people mulling around everywhere, making me feel a little self-conscious about our District 12 garb.

We are brought to the front desk, and positioned in front of a woman looking down at a computer screen, typing. She's a plain looking women, probably in her thirties with a mousey colored brown hair, but I can ever so slightly see a light pink hue to her skin. The new regime must have outed a good many people as being ordinary.

"Name please." She says without looking up.

"Katniss Everdeen." The woman looks up as my name finds its way out of my mouth. Her jaw drops slightly and her eyes begin to twinkle.

"_The_ Katniss Everdeen." I nod hoping that my embarrassed blush doesn't show. "Well, Miss Everdeen, this is an honor to say the least." Her stares are starting to make me uncomfortable and I look at my feet. "And Peeta Mellark.", she gawks at my companion, "I am overwhelmed. Welcome to the Regal Hotel. I see there are three rooms under your reservation Miss Everdeen. Here is a key for, one for Mr. Mellark and one for Mr. Abernathy.", she recites while handing a key to each of us. "If you have any questions or concerns _do not hesitate_ to come find me and I will solve them for you."

"Thank you.", I say before hurriedly turning around trying to get out of this situation as quickly as possible.

"Oh Miss Everdeen... Katniss?" _What now. _I catch the annoyed look on Peeta's face as I turn to the woman once more. "I normally wouldn't ask, but is there anyway... I mean... would you... take a picture with me?" She has a larger than life grin on her face and it is making me a little uneasy.

"Sorry, the Mockingjay has an appointment to get to." _Thank you Haymitch._

"Oh.", the disappointment couldn't be more apparent, "Of course. Miss Everdeen, Mr. Mellark, Mr. Abernathy please enjoy your stay with us." I turn again, this time resolved not to turn back for anything.

We are brought to our rooms which are on the 15th floor of the sixteen floor hotel. Peeta and I have rooms right next door to each other and Haymitch is across the hall. The rooms, which are basically apartments, are breathtaking. They consist of a bedroom, a living room that also has a piano, and a bathroom which has something called a jacuzzi tub along with a stand in shower, both with gold fixtures. Everything smells like hints of cinnamon and vanilla which of course makes me think of Peeta, the way he smells after baking cookies. _Get a grip Katniss._

Next to my bed sits a standing rack with three garment bags hanging from it, and a note attached to one of the bags:

_Katniss,_

_ Had some of the best up-and-coming designers in Panem put together some designs for you to review and hopefully pick to wear tonight. I promise none of them will set on fire. See you tonight._

_ Plutarch_

If I am going to be honest with myself, I really dislike Plutarch. Always have, ever since him and his fellow game makers made me shoot an arrow in their direction. However, remembering that the Independence Day Ball is tonight and that I have nothing suitable to wear in my suitcase, I am at least, in this moment, grateful to know Plutarch Heavensbee. One at a time I peel the garment bags off each dress and place them in a row on the bed. All three are gorgeous ball gowns. The first is a purple gown with silver trim and designs that resemble silver snowflakes along the bust and waist. The second is an olive green gown also with silver embroidery throughout, the bottom half is bunched up in places and olive green flowers are strategically placed on the skirt. The third dress, however, takes my breath away. It is a blue gown but the shade of blue changes as you go down the dress. At the bodice the color is a crystal blue like Peeta's eyes, and at the bottom of the gown it is a deep rich blue like an evening sky. The skirt is cinched in places and a separate crystal blue fabric hangs off the waist. Tiny crystals are embroidered all over the dress. The dress is sleeveless but comes with a matching jacket to hide my scars, which I am grateful for.

A couple hours later, after I have showered and am lounging around my room, there is a knock on the door. When I open it a dark skinned woman named Julissa stands there, she reminds me of Portia. She says she is here at the request of Plutarch to do my hair and makeup. I happily let her in because hair and makeup were never my thing. She does a great job, but the act of being made over makes me miss my old prep team, I hope they are doing well. I also feel a pang of sorrow over Cinna. He should be here. It should be his dress that I am wearing; flames or not. When she is done I look amazing. My jaggedly-cut, short hair now has a jeweled wrap covering the front and a curly bun in the back. My makeup is demure. After the stylist leaves I proceed to climb into the blue gown and nervously step into a pair of silver heels. I gaze at myself in the mirror; I am beautiful. The length of the dress and the jacket hide most of my scars. I am starting to feel excited. I want Peeta to see me. He hasn't seen me beautiful in so long. I allow myself to smile.

A short time later there is another knock on the door. I finish clasping a one strand diamond necklace that came with the dress around my neck before answering. Haymitch stands there looking uncomfortable and maybe a little queasy. However, when he sees me he allows himself a slight smile. _I must really look amazing._

"Come on, let's get down there." I nod at him, stuff my room key in my bosom and walk out into the hallway closing my door behind me. That's when I see him sitting on a love seat down the hall next to the elevators. Peeta looks dashing in a black tuxedo. His blond hair styled and a blue flower in his lapel. I wonder to myself if that was on purpose. When he sees me he stands, I can feel his eyes take me in as I glide towards him, at one point I am positive he gulps. When Haymitch and I are close his smile widens. He reaches out to take my hand in his, while inspecting the entirety of me further.

"You look absolutely gorgeous.", he muses. I instantly blush remembering that beauty is his weakness.I softly smile, afraid my voice will betray my nervousness. I really would rather be locked up in my room wallowing in misery, but if I have to be here I am going to have fun. I am going to stuff myself with Capitol food and dance the night away. Hopefully Peeta will want to be the one to dance with me; then I can be beautiful for only him. Haymitch's overly exaggerated throat clearing breaks into my thoughts.

"Yes, yes, you both look just grand. Still manage to clean up well, now let's go. That Capitol booze isn't gonna drink itself." He is pulling at his collar and sleeves in an uncomfortable manner. I can't help rolling my eyes at him, and Peeta chuckles. We get into the elevator, I press myself against the back and Peeta positions himself next to me. As the elevator begins to descend, I can feel Peeta's eyes on me. The warmth of his stare is engulfing my skin. I am starting to feel hot. Haymitch turns around, takes in the scene, and smirks evilly."

"The next time you want to covertly check out a girl, Peeta, make sure she doesn't know you're looking.", he turns to me, "Ain't that right, Sweetheart?" I groan out loud, glare at Haymitch, hike up my skirt, and proceed to try and kick him with the bottom of my heel. He is laughing and backing away from me in a defensive crouch. He eventually backs up into Peeta who is beat red with embarrassment. Peeta wraps his arms around Haymitch's torso, trapping his arms and keeping him in place.

"Go ahead, Katniss. I know you've been waiting for this for a long time." He smiles at me, though his cheeks still betray his embarrassment. I stalk over threateningly in Haymitch's direction. He tries to squirm out of Peeta's arms and squints when I get close. Luckily for Haymitch the elevator doors open. I spin around and Peeta lets go of Haymitch, but its too late. A very nicely dressed couple looks at us; their faces a mix of disgust and horror. I smile and nod at them and then quickly move past them. Haymitch sprints up to my side.

"Better watch out there Mockingjay, you've got a reputation in these parts." I want to smack that toothy grin off his face. We walk towards the ballroom. I am happy they decided not to have it at the President's Mansion. Though Paylor never seemed the type that would like people moseying around her residence anyways. I've also heard it said she is having a new President's mansion built as well. Must have been too hard to clean the blood out of the old one.

"You ready for this?" Peeta is at my side taking in the same scene I am from the doorway to the ballroom. There is music coming from an orchestra at the far end of the room. People are moving about, drinking champagne, eating hors d'oeuvres , and engaging in general chatting. I look up at him and shrug.

"I've been through worse." This makes Peeta laugh out loud

"Shall we?", he gives me an arm to slip my arm into, and I do it without question. We both take deep breaths and walk into the ballroom.

Our arrival seems to have mixed reactions. Some people look anxiously our way, while others seem to be annoyed by our presence. Some seem hysterically happy, while there are some who don't seem to even notice who we are at all. Those people are my favorite. Peeta and I seem to have an unspoken agreement because we walk right over to the bountiful tables of food. However, our plan is foiled by the man and woman who step in front of us, blocking our path. I look up and meet an obnoxiously wide grin.

"Katniss Everdeen, my word, I am so happy to see you, and that dress is _stunning._" He reaches out a hand waiting for mine.

"Hello Plutarch, and thank you for the dresses. We don't carry these styles back in District 12." I reluctantly give him my hand, which he kisses. _I am going to puke._ He then turns to Peeta, giving him a slight bow.

"And Mr. Mellark so good to see you are doing better. So glad that you could come, with such a pretty date."

"Hello Mr Heavensbee. She does look beautiful doesn't she? I'm a lucky guy." I know he's just putting on a show for Plutarch, but it doesn't make me crave his words any less.

"Oh you star-crossed lovers of District 12, you two have always been _golden_." He winks at me, and I am sure I am going to be sick right here. His date, a blond woman in her late thirties wearing a long black dress which clings to her curves, gives a little cough. "Oh I am sorry." Plutarch jumps. "How rude of me. Katniss, Peeta, I would like you to meet Ms. Mia Casey, originally of District 13, but now she does work for the government. Very brilliant with numbers." Mia looks right into my eyes. Her smile is warm but her eyes seem a slight bit mad. Maybe all those years underground. Suddenly she has my hand in hers.

"Miss Everdeen, you have no idea how much I have wanted to meet you. This is an amazing honor for me." Her grip is iron and she is shaking my hand intensely.

"It's very nice to meet you.", I muster politely, hiding my discomfort with her intensity. She finally mercifully lets go and I hold back the urge to nurse my hand with the other. When I put the hand at my side Peeta takes it in his and starts massaging it unobserved._ Oh good so it wasn't just me._

"Mia here will be presenting the two of you something special tomorrow.", Plutarch chimes in, "She volunteered right away, as soon as it was clear that President Paylor wouldn't be physically presenting any of the awards tomorrow." _Could that have to do with little old me? _Plutarch winks at me again, making me think I am right.

"Well Plutarch, Mia, it was very nice to meet you, but my date and I have been traveling all night, and we would really love to try some of these Capitol delicacies we have missed so much." _Oh Peeta you always know what to say. _Plutarch smiles widely.

"Of course, of course. You two enjoy; talk to you later." Plutarch puts a hand on Mia's back guiding her away, but not before she gives me another intense smile that I have no idea how to interpret. As soon as they are turned Peeta quickly leads me to the tables of food.

"Well that was a little awkward.", Peeta leans in, "How's your hand?" He frees the hand he has been messaging this whole time, and I wiggle my fingers.

"Better now, thanks to you."

"I was sure she was going to break something, she was a little..._ intense_ huh?" Peeta is looking over his shoulder, maybe looking out for Mia and her iron grip.

"Hmph, I'm not surprised by the kind of people Plutarch associates with.", Peeta smiles at me. We dive into the food without giving anyone else a second thought. After tons of food and a glass or two of champagne a piece, we are both in a more relaxed and _festive_ mood.

"Dance with me?", I ask hopefully. He grabs my hand in response and we are on the dance floor. We dance, I'm twirled, I'm dipped. We smile, we laugh. Occasionally, I catch the lens of a camera pointed our way, but I don't care, the champagne has taken over and we are near jubilant. Not surprising, since the most fun thing Peeta and I have done in a while is make a book of dead people

"I've danced with you like this before. Real or not real?", Peeta breathes quietly into my hair during a slow dance.

"Real. At a Capitol banquet we attended during the victory tour, but I am having more fun with you tonight." He looks down at me, and smiles before holding me a little closer for the rest of the slow dance. One of my ears is pressed against his chest listening to his heartbeat while the other ear takes in the orchestra's music. There is no doubt in my mind which sound is more beautiful. We continue to dance for what seems like an eternity before we are flushed and sweaty.

"I think I need something to drink." I pant at the end of a very lively song.

"You got it." Peeta is panting just as hard and looks grateful for the break. He walks off towards refreshment and I move off to the side of the dance floor catching my breath. I watch other couples dance to the next song and even though my mouth is tacky and I'm a bit light-headed, I wish I were out there.

"Hey Katniss." The familiar voice comes from my left side. I turn immediately not even being sure if I am ready to see the owner.

"Gale. Wow. Hi." _That wasn't awkward. _He is as handsome as ever. Maybe a little taller, and broader. His hair a little shorter and clean cut. He looks as antsy as I am.

"How are you doing? You look great. I'm surprised to see you here. I guessed that you would have stayed as far away from this as possible."

"I would have, but I was court ordered to attend... you know." I trail off, not even sure I want to be talking to Gale. So many conflicting feelings run through my head when I think of him. I try to avoid him as a mental topic. Yet he's here and I'm here and I'm stuck. Behind Gale I see Peeta with a cup in each hand. I notice right when Peeta registers who I am speaking to because his face turns to stone. Peeta has arrived before either Gale or I say anything else. He has found his winning smile and after he hands me one of the cups, he immediately offers his hand to Gale.

"Hey Gale, nice to see you."

"Peeta? Wow this is a surprise. Good to see you." Without hesitation he takes Peeta's hand and they shake. Once they have let go Peeta immediately puts his hand around my waist. He pulls me a little closer to him. I am completely confused. If I am the queen of mixed signals than Peeta is my king. Peeta's possessive gesture is not lost on Gale either. He takes us both in. His look seems to be a mix of confusion and worry. Not surprised since the last time he saw us Peeta was still deep in his hijacking, always one moment away from trying to kill me, and I had shot the president.

"So..." , I just want the tension to end, "...are you here with anyone?" I get my answer quickly.

"Of course he's here with someone, Brainless." I spin around at my old pet name.

"Johanna Mason. Are you kidding me?" I take her in. She is stunningly sexy in a tight red dress. I take two large steps in her direction and wrap my arms around her. I am almost afraid she's going to give me another concussion when I do it, but she instead reciprocates and hugs me back. I don't know what the relationship between Johanna and I is, but in this moment I am so happy to see her.

"So you and Gale huh?" This couldn't make better sense, two beautiful people carrying a lot of fire in them. I can't help but smile.

"Yeah.", she walks over and attaches herself to Gale at his side. "Hope you don't mind that I took your color and your seconds." Gale rolls his eyes, and I begin to giggle. "But...", she leans into Peeta, "I do miss _our_ intimate talks." She drags two fingers under his chin before looking back up at Gale, "You understand Baby." Gale shakes his head at her.

"Believe me, I accepted a long time ago that woman just love Peeta Mellark." He flashes a knowing smile in my direction and leans into Johanna, "I think I'd like to get a couple more dances in before... " and he whispers something in her ear, which makes her deviously smile. He then turns back to Peeta and I, "It was actually really nice seeing you guys. Johanna and I will be in town for a couple of weeks, so maybe we can get together and catch up before you guys head home." His offer seems genuine and it makes me sentimental. I miss my friend Gale. "Were in suite 5A, just give our room a buzz.", he calls out as Johanna is dragging him onto the dance floor. I watch them wrap around each other as they begin dancing very intimately.

"Did that bother you?", Peeta sounds concerned.

"No." I am surprised by my answer, at one point this situation would have made me crazy, but now I am just happy. Happy that Gale and Johanna found love. "They are perfect together." _I envy them. _I turn and see Peeta's eyes carrying a sadness in them, that I don't know how to explain. I finish my drink and coax Peeta back onto the dance floor. He obliges, but he definitely doesn't seem as carefree as he did earlier. Eventually he looks at me, and I can tell something is wrong.

"What is it?", I ask while moving a rogue curl off his forehead.

"I just don't feel very well. I think I'm going to head upstairs." He's beginning to look anxious. "I'm so sorry Katniss. You should stay, enjoy yourself." He leans down and plants a light kiss on my cheek. "I had a great night. I'll see you tomorrow."

"OK.", is all I can get out while he is still within earshot. I look around the room. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with any of these people. The closest thing to friends that I have in this room are grinding with each other on the dance floor and sure as hell don't want my company. _I already miss him_. I begin to worry that Peeta not feeling well could be more sinister then he let on. I look around the room one more time and catch Mia looking my way with her terrifyingly intense smile, and my mind is made up. _I'm going to go check on Peeta._

When the elevator opens on my floor I am surprised to see Peeta sitting on the same loveseat he was earlier in the evening. He is looking dazed and has not acknowledged my presence. I crouch down in front of him and cup his left cheek in my right hand. He closes his eyes and leans into my palm.

"Are you OK?", I ask in a hushed tone. He nods slightly before opening his eyes.

"I think so, I just had too much flood back at once tonight. Especially after seeing Gale and Johanna. I was afraid I was going to have a flashback."

"What did Johanna mean when she said she missed your intimate talks?" No idea why my brain went here, but I could see Peeta's face when she said it, and he didn't seem pleased.

"Johanna and I had cells next to each other. Every time we would come back from a "session" we would try to talk each other down. I would get her to tell me about her childhood, and she would get me to talk about you. After awhile the only memory I could make sense of was that one on the training roof before the Quell, until I couldn't stand to talk about..._ you_." There are tears in his eyes now.

"Peeta its OK, I'm here." I sit on the loveseat next to him and guide his head to my shoulder before wrapping my arm around his head so I can play with his hair.

"Katniss...?"

"Hm?"

"There was a baby. Real or not real?" The idea that Peeta would have to ask this, that his memories had been that distorted, forms a lump in my throat.

"Not real.", I whisper. "You made it up for the interview. I think you were hoping they would take me out of the games if I was pregnant. It didn't matter though because Snow was so sadistic he didn't care." I see a tear roll down Peeta's cheek.

"Oh.", he sounds disappointed and that breaks my heart in so many different ways.

"Katniss?"

"Yes?" I am trying to fight tears.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I'm confused.

"For acting the way I have been, for doing things that blur the line that I set. For sending mixed messages. It's just..., he trails off and is staring at his hands again.

"What?" He shakes his head. "No Peeta please you need to talk to me." He sighs heavily.

"It is a little hard to explain, and I will probably fumble with it a bit. When I first got back home I would just feel angry if I got too close to you. Overtime that anger has faded, but its left an emptiness that until now i was unable to define. I know that there is a tremendous amount of love for you in me, more for you then anyone or anything else, ever. The problem is I can't feel it. This is why I get so hot and cold i guess. In my head, I know that you are more important to me than life itself. I know that I would lie down in front of a train for you, no questions asked, but when i try to feel it, there is nothing. It is like I am blocked from loving you. I can still feel things; I can feel contented when we are having breakfast at your house or sentimental when we are working on the Memory Book. I can feel depressed, happy, lonely, sad and angry. As far as I can tell, I can feel everything, except love for you, but there is so much of it that I don't need to feel it to know that it is there. I just wish I could feel it, I think it would make me feel whole again. The Capitol knew what they were doing, they knew what to mess with that would hurt the most. Does that make sense or just add to the confusion?"

He stops speaking and I see his hands are shaking. Us star-crossed lovers of District 12, when will we catch our break? I reach down and take both his hands into mine not sure what I am going to say. Not sure if I could talk without having a complete breakdown. I take a deep breath. I need to be strong for Peeta. I quickly wipe up the few tears that are running down my face and begin forming my response.

"Peeta, you are improving everyday. I can't imagine any part of the... caused permanent damage. I know its confusing now, but we'll sort it out. Then once this is gone, you can choose to love whomever you want. Until then, and forever after I don't need you to be _madly_ in love with me." _Liar. _"I don't need sentimental sonnets. Or declaration of undying adoration. What I need is _you_ in my life. I don't need old Peeta, I need _this_ Peeta. The Peeta who understands that I have bad days, and who gets that my good days can also look like bad days. I need the guy who has no problem dishing it out when I am being too much of a bitch. I need the Peeta who has no problem outing me to our closest friends about my drunken ramblings so that our relationship doesn't become awkward." Even with his head down I can see that he is smiling. "What I _don't_ need is to lose this Peeta. I've lost too many Peeta's for one lifetime, and since you may be my favorite one, I'm going to be a tad more protective. So with that said, absolutely no lying down in front of a train for me, or anything else equally as deadly. You won't be doing me any favors." I hear a short chuckle that accompanies a smirk.

"That sounds familiar. I said that to you in the cave after you got the medicine from the feast." I nod my head and smile. Happy that he can recall memories with confidence now. "If I remember correctly, I got pissed at you, but you were pretty confident that you had done the right thing. So I mean who knows maybe lying in front of that train will be the right thing as well." I groan, _what an ass he is_.

"Shut up." I scold, shaking my head. "Now come here." I coax his head into my lap, and I begin playing with his hair, twirling his curls around my fingers. I think it's pretty clear we won't be sharing a bed tonight, but I don't want to say goodnight yet either. I start unconsciously humming an old lullaby from home. I don't know how long I hum before the darkness of sleep takes me.

I am awoken by the sounds of clicking, and low murmurs accompanied by people shuffling around quietly. When my eyes are fully open I register the scene in front of me. There are about half a dozen people with cameras taking snapshots of Peeta and I sleeping in the hallway of our hotel. Serves us right for not moving into a room, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. I gently shake Peeta awake, while eyeballing the people in front of me. When Peeta comes to and sees we are not alone he shoots up to a sitting position. He feigns a smile.

"I see we have guests.", he pushes out through gritted teeth.

"Yup. I think I'm ready to go to my room now, see you in the morning."

"You got it. Night, Katniss."

"Night." We get up to go back to our rooms.

"Katniss." One of the reporters calls. "Can we get a word from you?" I put on my most dazzling media ready smile, turn to face the cameras and say.

"Goodnight." _Take that word and shove it up your ass._

I go into my room, peel off my dress and climb into bed with only my undergarments. It's probably only about 4 in the morning but I feel too restless to sleep. Without Peeta next to me I can't help longingly thinking of him. I am hopeful that he is no longer angry around me, but this love block he was talking about scares me. What if the anger was just a side effect of the torture, but this block is actually permanent. _Calm down, Katniss_. I realize I don't know much of anything having to do with the brain. Maybe Dr. Aurelius will know what to do. This thought calms me down enough that I finally drift off to sleep.

_I am running through the square of the capitol. I can see the pens up ahead. The first round of parachutes have just gone off. I keep running. I know I have to get those pens before... I see the District 13 medics piling into the pens trying to assess the damage. Trying to root out survivors. I catch sight of her, my beautiful sister with a more beautiful soul. She is in the pen now and I see the second set of parachutes dropping. I know I can make it to her, I can get her out. I suddenly look to my right. There stands Peeta. He is looking at me and he shakes his head. Just like he had done before the beginning of the first Hunger Games, and just like then he has distracted me. When I turn back I know I am too late. I will never make it in time. I get just close enough to see the look of horror on Prim's face before the bombs go off. Then I feel the fire._

I am awake and I am screaming. I grasp at the blankets around me to try and center myself. There is knock on my door.

"Katniss?" Peeta's voice conveys worry.

"I'm OK Peeta." I try to compose myself "I'm fine. Just give me a bit. I'll meet you in the lobby in a little while."

"OK." I hear him say before he presumably walks away.

I get up, chug a glass of water and climb into the tub. The water seems to be making my skin grafts tingle. They mustn't have liked the dream either. _Today is the day I lost my sister._ Once out of the bath I call my mother. Today she may need family. She doesn't answer though. I realize I probably wouldn't have answered either. I finish getting ready and make my way to the lobby. The Independence Day ceremony is at noon in the downtown center, which is only a block or two from the hotel.

I hop in the elevator and it begins to descend, two stops down the doors open and two housekeepers step on. They seem to be in the midst of a conversation. I put my head down and try not to let my presence bother them.

"...Yes 5A_._" _Gale and Johanna's room. _"The woman had been screaming all night. We thought being who she was that they were, well, you know." The second house keeper nods and lets out a tiny giggle. "But when one of the managers went to the room to ask them to quiet down, the man answered. Very good looking. Well he was covered in bloody scratches, and the manager said it looked like he had been crying. He could see the woman in the background crumpled on the floor sobbing."

"That's weird.", is all the other housekeeper gets out before they are at their floor. Johanna must have flashbacks too, or at least nightmares. I'm not surprised. She might have had less entries in Zane's journal but they were no less violent and grotesque. Poor Johanna and poor Gale. He can't have been equipped to deal with this. He had never had the pleasure of seeing one of my nightmares. Yes, I guess he had seen a few of Peeta's freak outs, but it's not the same as watching someone you love have one. Today is a day of mourning wrapped in a celebration. None of us have truly healed.

I get off at the lobby and see both Peeta and Haymitch engaged in conversation. When I close the distance between us, Peeta turns giving me a sympathetic smile and reaches for my hand. I take it, then reach out my hand to Haymitch who takes it without hesitation. _I am going to need two hands today. _We walk out of the hotel. We can either take a car or walk since it is only a couple of blocks away. I had originally wanted to walk there, but once I am in the cold winter daylight, and the impact of today hits I am suddenly sobbing. Haymitch releases my hand to go claim a car for us and Peeta has me wrapped in his arms. He doesn't try to tell me everything is OK. He knows today will never be OK. Instead, his strong arms keep me on my feet. From the street Haymitch waves us over to him. With his arm wrapped around me Peeta leads the way. Once we are securely in our car I crumple into Peeta again and continue my sobs. Happy that they came now and not in front of the press. I don't want to share this sorrow with them. By the time we reach our destination I am cried out. Peeta buttons up his jacket over the wet spot made by my tears on his chest and we exit the car.

A stage has been constructed. A few loose chairs which are filled are positioned next to the podium. The only people I recognize on stage are Paylor, Plutarch and Mia. _Ugh Mia. _In front of the stage are rows of white folding chairs, the first two rows have assigned seating. I would assume this is mostly for the benefit of the media. Peeta and I of course are seated right in front of the podium in the first row. We are completely exposed. I don't recognize the person on either side of us. Haymitch doesn't have an assigned seat and goes a few rows back. _Lucky._

The ceremony begins, but I tune it out just as quickly as it starts. I don't care what anyone has to say. Not today. Eventually I hear Paylor speak about Peeta and I, so I try to tune in. Apparently we are being presented with something called a "Freedom Medal". It takes all I have not to roll my eyes and groan on live TV. Peeta and I are asked to come up at this point to receive our medals. Peeta grabs my hand and basically has to drag me up on stage. When we are there I catch sight of Mad Mia giving me the most hysterically pleased smile I have ever seen in my life. I shudder. Paylor hands her two medals and she walks towards us. I look into the audience and catch sight of Gale right in front of me. Our eyes lock and he smiles. I spot a fresh scratch on his head. Remembering what I heard in the elevator, I glace next to him to see Johanna. She looks dazed, not her typical vibrant self. I look back at Gale and smile as well. I hear Mia give Peeta a congratulation. Gale and I maintain eye contact, though I can sense Mia walking to face me. That is when Gale's smile turns into something else. Panic maybe.

"This is for Alma.", Mia Seethes at me. That's when I see the gun, just a heartbeat before I hear it go off. I feel and impact on my side and I am suddenly sideways on the edge of the stage. _I've been shot. I am going to die. _There is no follow up of blood or pain however, and I quickly figure out she must have missed. That's when I see her advancing on me, screeching, gun outstretched in my direction. She is shooting at me again. I manage to roll out the way of one shot and the second is a far miss. Suddenly, Mia crumples to the stage her bleeding head only a couple of feet from where I lay. Agent Bradley stands on stage his gun still pointed at Mia. He says something into the black microphone contraption on his lapel.

I am still dazed trying to figure out if she missed, how did I get down here. It is then that I realize what the impact was. I was being pushed out of the way. My panic is about to boil over as I frantically scan the stage for Peeta. That's when I catch sight of him, lying face down in a puddle of blood that seems to be coming from his mid section. I am suddenly startled by a blood curdling unrelenting scream. It is the most heart wrenching scream I have ever heard in my life. I try to figure out who it is coming from, but there is no one around me. That's when I figure it out. The scream is coming from me.

**Author's note: Eek don't hate me too much – I don't like it either. The next chapter is written just needs editing. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi! Thanks for reading. I promised a quick update so here you are.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius.**

**I also don't own anything related to Death Cab for Cutie, but their lyrics sure helped out this chapter.**

**Enjoy!**

There have, until this moment, been five times I thought I was going to lose Peeta forever. The first time was in the cave. The second was when we got off the train in District 12 after the games. The third was when his heart stopped during the Quell. The fourth was when The Capitol kidnapped him, and the fifth was when I had found out he was hijacked. This makes the sixth and something in my soul tells me I am pushing my luck.

I manage to convert my horrifying scream into his name, which comes out just as loud. I then follow it up with what I think is a constant outpouring of it, but for all I know, it could be a string of guttural noises that resemble the word _Peeta_. I am crawling on hands and knees over to his seemingly lifeless body. I know I won't find the strength to stand.

Agent Bradley meets me and I try to help him flip Peeta over, though I can't take any of the credit when this is accomplished. Peeta's face is so pale, except for a redness where presumably his face hit the ground. Agent Bradley feels his neck for a pulse. He looks relieved, pulls his hand away and starts talking into the contraption on his lapel again.

** "**The victim has a pulse, we need a bus _now!_**" **He then begins tearing Peeta's blood soaked clothing off his torso; finding a point of entry at his stomach. I am hovering over Peeta's face.

** "**Peeta, please, Peeta. Please don't leave me. Peeta wake up. Please, Peeta." My hands had walked through his spilling blood and my absent minded fingers are wiping the blood all over his face and hair, as I try to touch every part of his beautiful face. His lips remain warm as I press my tear soaked lips against them, naively hoping this will wake him up. When this fails I go back to hysterical pleading.

** "**Peeta, you can't leave me. I won't survive without you. Stay with me. Please, Peeta." Sobs begin wracking my body and everything about living seems painful right now. Agent Bradley is using Peeta's ripped clothing to try and break the flow of blood. The agent checks Peeta's pulse once more. He begins frantically looking around beyond the crowd, which has turned into a stone wall of silence. No one dares move or speak, they are just watching us.

** "**Where's the damn bus? We're losing him." His words send me over the edge, and I am screaming the one word that is most precious to me in this entire world.

** "**Peeta!... Peeta!... Don't leave me!... I love you. I love you. I love you. You said you'd stay with me always... Peeta please." I am kissing his face and his hand which I hold in mine. I can taste salty iron on my lips. Another agent runs on stage towards us.

** "**Bradley, the bus is here, but the medics are having trouble getting through the crowd." Bradley stands up glaring at the crowd.

** "**Son of a bitch. Alright, let's get them moving off to the side." Bradley crouches down next to me, "Katniss." I don't have it in me to answer. I am sobbing and mumbling at Peeta. "Katniss.", he calls again this time grabbing my chin tilting it up so I will look at him. My eyes hurt looking at anything besides the dying boy below me. "Katniss, I need to help move this crowd so we can get the medics to Peeta, so we can save his life. I need you to keep pressure on the wound until they get here. Can you do that?" I nod and he takes off. I press my hand down on the bloody cloth, while my other hand plays with Peeta's hair. I glance around the stage. It is just us up here now, us and Mia's dead body. Then I turn to the crowd. I see a few agents, Gale and Johanna trying to move the crowd apart so the ambulance can drive up to us. Most people are complying, but not all. Some people just... _stare_. The games may be over, but these people are no less bloodthirsty. Always wanting a show.

My attention goes back to the last thing in my life worth living for. My heart tells me he is slipping away from me. I curl up next to him, always being vigilant to hold his wound, but I know it doesn't matter. My beautiful Peeta, my kind, gentle, perfect Peeta will be gone soon. My mouth is at his ear.

** "**I love you." I whisper. I kiss his cheek, then I begin to sing an old song from our district. A song that one would sing to a dying lover. Tears are still rolling down my cheeks

_Love of mine someday you will die_

_But I'll be close behind_

_I'll follow you into the dark_

_No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white_

_Just our hands clasped so tight_

_Waiting for the hint of a spark_

_If heaven and hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs_

_If there's no one beside you_

_When your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

I hear commotion around me but I will not look to see who it is. I will not leave Peeta in his last moments. I will stay with him till the end, and then I will find a way to follow him.

** "**I will see you soon." I whisper in his ear before giving his lips one last kiss. Suddenly someone is touching my shoulder, crouching down next to me.

** "**Katniss,", that might be Johanna, "you have to move so the medics can help him. Katniss they need to take him." _They can't take him , I'm not ready to let go! _My inner voice screams. More commotion. "Katniss you have to move." I am draped over Peeta.

** "**No!" I scream. _They can't take him._ "I love you Peeta." I am sobbing and screaming and shaking, but I will not let them take him.

** "**Gale, grab her.", I hear Johanna command. That's when I feel arms wrapping around my waist, trying to drag me from Peeta.

** "**No! Put me down. I can't leave him. Put me the fuck down." I'm screaming and kicking and trying to lash out anyway I can so that I can go back to Peeta. I am suddenly someone else. I am Prim being dragged away from her sister by Gale. This thought makes me even more hysterical. _Not today, I can't lose both of them today._Medics descend on Peeta's body. They take some sort of paddles out of their bag. They are applied to Peeta, making his body jump. Afterward the medic puts a stethoscope to his chest. The medic seems satisfied. They move Peeta onto a gurney and begin wheeling him away.

"Peeta!", I scream out to him, but I am being dragged in the opposite direction. I am still trying to get free when I hear Gale's voice next to my ear.

"Its OK, Catnip. We will follow them to the hospital. It will be OK." Gale knows nothing, but my choices are limited. I feel defeated. I am now dead weight. Next thing I know I am being dropped into the back of a car. Johanna gets into the passenger side, and Gale, into the drivers seat. I didn't even know he _could_ drive. The car starts moving and I see the two of them look at one another, and then grab at each others hands. I just slump down in my seat and stare at the ground. I think nothing, I say nothing, I do nothing besides bide my time until I know Peeta has passed and then I will join him.

We pull into the parking lot of a large brick building which I can only assume is the hospital. Gale holds the door open for me, and I force myself to move. _I need to see Peeta._ We walk into the hospital, stopping at the front desk. A woman sits in a chair filing her nails and doesn't bother looking up at us. I try to be patient but my inner voice is yelling _I am Katniss Fucking Everdeen! You can sit here doing your nails in peace because of me! _I can't take it anymore. I advance towards the desk. Johanna's hand stops me.

"Hey lady, lets try earning your pay for once. Tell us where Peeta Mellark is.", Johanna is glaring down at the woman. She glances up annoyed, on the verge of saying something, that is until she looks at my face, which must appear rabid. Picking up the phone at her desk she talks softly into it. I look around defensively, waiting for someone to drag us out of the hospital, but instead a nurse comes through previously closed double doors. She looks at us thoughtfully.

"Are you with Mr. Mellark?" We nod and she motions for us to follow her. She continues to speak while we walk behind her. "The paramedics were able to restart Mr. Mellark's heart at the scene, but he had lost a great deal of blood, and had internal bleeding from the bullet. He is currently in surgery." She stops at a waiting room area with some chairs, a couple of couches, a water cooler and a TV. "This is the family waiting room. When Mr. Mellark is out of surgery someone will be down to update you. If you get hungry there is a cafeteria on the floor above this one, which is accessible from elevators if you go down the end of this hall." She looks at me, grabbing my eyes with hers. "Please know we are doing everything we can for Mr. Mellark. He is in good hands." She smiles sympathetically and I, at the very least, believe that she believes what she is saying. She nods at my companions and leaves. I slump down onto one of the couches not knowing what to think or do or say. My Peeta is alive but, far from out of the woods. My heart aches, and I feel nothing but emptiness.

Moments later Johanna is sitting next to me. She leans into me, "You have no idea how strong Peeta can be." _Don't I? _"If there's a way to make it through this he will." Coming from Johanna this actually means a lot, shes not going to sell me on something to make me feel better. She wouldn't say it unless she thought it was true. She and Peeta were torture-mates, she knows he's a survivor.

"Thank you." I cough, feeling like I haven't heard my normal voice in so long. "Thank you for helping him when you guys were..." I trail off knowing I don't need to finish. She is shaking her head at me.

"No need to thank me, he helped me too." Her hands betray the slightest twitch.

"I am so sorry that happened to you." She looks me in the eyes as I say this and I watch tears begin to form.

"I'm sorry I separated you two that day. Peeta is a good guy. Not many of them out there." With this she glances up at Gale who I had forgot was here. I look up at him. He seems so tired.

"Thank you, Gale, for today." He shrugs at me, and then sits down next to Johanna.

The TV has been on the whole time, but until the dramatic music and the announcement of a special news report, I had been tuning it out. The segment is called "Independence Day Tragedy." A woman appears on screen.

"A day that was supposed to represent freedom turned quickly into tragedy when a female shooter opened fire during the Independence Day medal ceremony. The shooter, 37 year old Mia Casey, was discovered to be the long time lover of the late President Alma Coin. President Coin was killed by the Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen, accidentally..." Gale and I glance awkwardly at each other. ."..during a botched execution of former President Snow. Even though Everdeen, who was 17 at the time, was cleared of any wrongdoing in the death of Coin, it is believed that Everdeen was the shooter's target. Everdeen, however, was unharmed. Being pushed out of the way by long time companion Peeta Mellark" _What the fuck does long time companion mean? _"Unfortunately, the 18 year old Mellark was shot in the process, but is believed to be Casey's only victim. The shooter was gunned down by agents on scene. No word on the condition of Peeta Mellark at this time who was transported to a local hospital. It is safe to say that this was the shot heard 'round the world. Our hearts go out to the victim of this terrible tragedy. We do have some footage from today, but we must warn you, it is of a graphic nature."

"Yes, Panem isn't used to that.", I snarl which makes Johanna smirk. The footage begins and they didn't miss anything. Not Peeta pushing me out of the way, or Mia being shot or me making my declarations of love to the entirety of Panem. _Well that certainly didn't take 12 years. _I groan loudly and bury my face in my hands.

"How is he?", I hear a winded Haymitch gasp. I look up, so happy to see him. I don't answer instead run into his arms. He hugs me tighter than ever before.

"I told him not to lie down in front of any trains for me." I murmur into Haymitch's chest

"Right, because the two of you have a long history of respecting the other's wishes.", Haymitch sighs.

Gale answers the question I ignored., "He's alive and in surgery, but that's all we know."

"We also know that Katniss here is in love with Peeta.", Johanna deadpans.

"Oh yeah 'cause that's a shocker.", Haymitch retorts, which makes Gale snort laughter out of his nose. I back out of Haymitch's embrace and individually glare at everyone in the room. A smile threatening to take over my face. _I don't want to smile._

"You're all assholes.", I chide.

"She's called me worse.", Johanna shrugs. Haymitch and Gale look at each other and nod in agreement.

"Grrr.", I vent in frustration, but it's too late, the once threatening smile has taken over. Suddenly, I have three people smiling back at me.

"That boy's like a cat, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't used all nine lives yet." Haymitch is right of course.

Gale goes to get everyone food and coffee. I think to myself how this must be the first time in a while he's had to gather food. We pass the time the best we can, and close to three hours later there is a woman in the doorway. She is a young looking woman maybe in her 30's. She is short in stature, with very short blond hair, and eyes that could rival Peeta's in blueness. Her face displays a friendly smile.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Venuti. I am the Neurologist assigned to Peeta's case." _Why does Peeta need a neurologist? _" Peeta is out of surgery. We were able to remove the bullet and fix the damage caused by it. Peeta also underwent a blood transfusion because of the significant amount of blood he lost after being shot. Unfortunately, Peeta's brain did not have a reasonable amount of oxygen sourced to it, and he did develop hypoxia. He is currently in a coma and on life support. While in this coma we cannot fully determine the level of brain damage suffered due to lack of oxygen. Though studies have shown that a brain can both heal and regenerate while in a coma. However that does not take away from the real possibility that his current comatose state could be permanent. We will know more over the next few days. I know I just dropped a lot on you at once, but do you have any questions for me?" There is only one question I need to ask.

"Can we see him?"

"Of course.", she smiles, "Come with me." Gale and Johanna stay behind, but Haymitch is glued to my side as we follow the doctor to a room upstairs and at the end of a hall.

When I first walk in the room I gasp out loud. Peeta is surrounded by machines and has dozens of wires and tubes attached to him. The scariest of them all being the tube that is inserted in his mouth and nose, presumably helping him to breathe. I approach him slowly. When I am finally at his side, I drag shaky fingers through his hair, and then glide the back of my hand down his cheek. I lean in close to his ear, pausing to look up at the doctor.

"If I talk to him can he hear me?"

"Not much is known about what a person in a coma can sense."

"What do you personally think?" I am hopeful

"I think a part of Peeta will know you are speaking to him." That's enough for me.

"Peeta, it's Katniss. I want you know I am here. I am not going anywhere. I'm going to sit here until you wake up and then I am going to kill you." The tears are starting to roll down my cheeks again. "We just had a fucking conversation last night where I told you not to do anything stupid because of me. Because you are my favorite and I can't lose you. So you better wake the fuck up, because I am pissed at you." I gently kiss his cheek. Haymitch pushes up a chair for me. I sink into it and entwine my fingers with Peeta's. I sit and wait. Eventually falling asleep. I'm awoken in the morning by Johanna. She seems uneasy at the sight of Peeta.

"I'm going to go."

"Yeah you should go back to the hotel. Ill let..."

"No, not the hotel, back to 2."

"Oh I thought you were staying for two weeks."

"Nah, The Capitol ain't my thing.", Johanna looks at her feet. I reflect back on the maid's gossip and I understand.

"Is Gale going with you?"

"No, he's got business here. That's why we were staying to begin with, but just because I'm not around and Peeta's like that,", she gestures towards the bed, "doesn't mean Gale is free game." I roll my eyes, and sigh.

"Oh Johanna." I wrap my arms around her. "I'm going to miss you. Thanks for everything."

"Let me know how he does." I nod a promise, and she's gone.

The next couple of days are uneventful. The nurses let me use their locker room shower, and they give me fresh scrubs daily. Otherwise I am at Peeta's side who I talk to constantly, hoping that he hears me. Eventually, Peeta has enough returned brain activity, that his body can start breathing on its own again, and the tube is removed. I spend uninterrupted hours just tracing his face, staring at his eyelashes, and giving his lips the occasional unrequited kiss. At one point, Dr. Aurelius stops by to ask how I am doing, and to discuss my options in terms of Peeta's long term care should things not improve. I completely shut down and he leaves me a number to call if I need him. Gale doesn't come by, but I am not surprised, plus who knows what _business_ he is here for

One afternoon I am sitting in a chair by the door, becoming entranced by the rhythmic beeping of Peeta's heart monitor. It's not the same as listening to the real thing, but every chirp of the machine means Peeta has not left me for good. My concentration is interrupted by a man's question from out in the hall.

"Hi, I'm looking for Dr. Julian Zane's office. Can you point me in the right direction?"

"Umm, I believe he is on the 6th floor, not sure of the office number."

"That's fine. I can figure it out from there. Thank you." I watch the man walk away. I glance at Peeta before I am following the man. I slip into his elevator. He ignores my presence. I let him exit first once we reach the sixth floor. I slowly and quietly walk behind him while he checks the name plaques on each door. I duck into an alcove and continue to watch him from there. A short distance later he is knocking on a door. The door opens and a man, who is about six feet tall, steps out. His skin is olive in complexion, dark hair and eyes just as dark. He could be from the Seam. He wears a heavy amount of black eyeliner. His mouth is small, and his face carries a certain arrogance.

"Dr. Zane?" The tall man nods.

"Hi I am Sam Dawson, we have an appointment."

"Of course, Mr. Dawson, come in." He doesn't quite have a Capitol accent but he does have an accent of sorts. The door closes and I am sprinting to the elevators. I run back to Peeta's room. Once there I try to catch my breath. I begin pacing, trying to settle my raging heart. _What am I going to do? _It takes a while to level my breathing, and when I do I sit down next to Peeta and hold his hand.

"Peeta, its Katniss again. I need to apologize to you. Well maybe not you, but the old you. I know you are incapable of loving me now, but at one point you loved me very much, and I was either too selfish or too deluded to reciprocate. So here it goes. When we walked off the train at District 12 after the games I should have told you that I loved you. When you offered to give money to Rue and Thresh's families and pushed that peacekeepers gun away from me I should have told you that I loved you. When you helped carry me around and kept me company when my tail bone and ankle were hurt I should have told you that I loved you. When we both realized we had pissed off the Gamemakers to protect each other, I should have told you that I loved you. Every night we spent wrapped in each others arms warding off the others nightmares I should have told you that I loved you. The night before the Quell on the training room roof I should have told you that I loved you. When Finnick restarted your heart I should have told you I loved you. That night on the beach I should have told you that I loved you. When you asked me in 13 I should have told you that I loved you. I have fallen in love with you a hundred times in a hundred different ways. I need to tell you now that I love you, I love you more than anything in this world. You are my everything, you are all I could ever want and more. I am devastatingly and hopelessly in love with you. Now that I've said that I need to tell you, that I have to go do something, and it may take me some time to get it done, but as soon as I am done I will come back to you. I have to go do this thing. I love you so fucking much that I can't stomach not doing it." I lean over and kiss him softly on the lips. "I love you." I whisper one more time, then head towards the door. Haymitch meets me at the threshold, back with some coffee.

"Where you going?"

"I have to take care of something, keep him company." He looks worried, but I don't stop to explain, instead I walk towards the exit. I know if I am going to do this I will need a partner.

I find myself standing in front of room 5A at the Regal Hotel. I knock with purpose hoping that someone will answer. After a few moments the door opens. Gale stands in the doorway. When he registers it's me, he begins to look worried.

"Hey Gale."

"What's wrong? Is it Peeta?" I just shake my head. _Just ask him Katniss. _He waits patiently for me to speak. I feel a dark smile climb onto my face.

"Want to go hunting?

**Lyrics from "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie - which incidentally was the first dance at my wedding. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi Again, Thanks for reading, reviewing and following. **

**This chapter is pretty dark, and the M rating definitely applies to violence.  
**

**On a side note this chapter and the next one were going to be one chapter, but I decided to break them up, so as not to take away from either chapters major story line. With that said, the next chapter is done and I'm currently editing it, so hopefully I can update for you over the next couple of days.**

**Enjoy!**

I thought that it would be hard to convince Gale to risk everything and help me hunt down the man that hijacked Peeta. I was ready with a bag of tricks if need be, but in the end it was simply one word that assures me my hunting partner:_ Johanna. _

"What did the journal entries about Johanna say?" His eyes darker than I have ever seen them, his jaw is clenched tightly and his fists whitening at the knuckle. He loves her in the same way I love Peeta. He will do this wicked thing I ask, he will do it for her.

I shake my head. "You don't want to know, I wish I didn't know, but now I can't forget. Sometimes when I close my eyes the words are burned on the back of my eyelids. It's so much better that you don't know." It's true, and maybe my reasoning for keeping the information away from him has hints of selfishness in it. I need cool-and-calculating-hunter Gale, not raging, irrational Gale.

I sit in a chair located near the bed in his suite. Gale is pacing in front of me. He looks deep in thought and I dare not interrupt the process. Eventually, he stops and looks at me. His expression seems resolved.

"Bring me to his office." I nod and we head back to the hospital. We don't speak. In my head I am running through the line of logic that I pieced together after seeing Dr. Zane in the flesh.

_If Peeta had not been hijacked, the rebels would have used him as a mouthpiece like Coin had wanted. Coin wouldn't have found me to be a threat. Coin wouldn't have killed Prim. I wouldn't have killed Coin, and Mia would not have tried to kill me, shooting Peeta in the process. Everything is Zane's fault._

When we get back to the hospital I am startled away from my own thoughts by Gale.

"Did you want to check on Peeta before we go upstairs?" I am tempted, but I am Katniss the Hunter now, and I have always found Peeta to be a distraction. I simply shake my head as I lead him to the elevators.

Once on the sixth floor I feel a familiar shiver run down my spine. The hunt has begun, and I am hungry for a kill. I lead Gale to the same alcove I had ducked in to earlier; pointing to Zane's office. A light is on inside. Gale walks the length of the hallway, glancing into the office to gather information each time he passes. When he gets back to the alcove he gently grabs my arm.

"There's a window in his office. I'd like to see what it looks out over." By knowing the location of the office, we are able to determine from outside that Zane's window overlooks a parking lot labeled as _Employees Only_. I follow Gale to a copse of trees at the back edge of the parking lot. We sit down at the base of a large tree which allows us good visibility and coverage. Suddenly we are in the woods again. We keep our eyes focused on the illuminated window on the sixth floor. We are silent for sometime.

"Do you think we ever could have been together?", Gale asks suddenly. I take in a sharp breath, trying to suppress the uneasiness this awkward moment has created.

I shrug, "I think that if there were no Hunger Games we would have eventually been together. It would have made the most sense. We always made a good team, and I think we could have built a relationship off of that. There of course would have been love, we were best friends. I don't think we would have ever had mind shattering passion between us, but I know we would have been happy." I inwardly cringe, worried that I have totally answered his question offensively. I cautiously look in his direction and am met by a warm smile.

"I feel mind shattering passion when I am with Johanna. Is that what you feel for Peeta?"

"Yes."

Gale sighs, "We would have had fun though, huh Catnip?" I chuckle lightly.

"Always did." I exhale in relief. That went much smoother than I thought. I decide to follow up, "How did you and Johanna get together?"

"Actually, the short answer is because of you." I raise my eyebrow at him, my eyes urging him to continue. "From the first day of your trial Haymitch, Peeta and I would show up everyday. The three of us didn't talk to each other much, but we were all pretty sure you were going to be executed. Along with the three of us, this person in a hoodie was always there, slinked in the back against the wall. I had no idea who it was. One day there was some sort of testimony by the prosecution talking about how you had been granted a tremendous honor, being able to execute Snow. That's when the hooded figure stood up and started screaming at the court. Yelling about how the whole process was bullshit, how you were manipulated by the rebels, that you were nothing but a broken seventeen year old who had just lost her sister, and had been burned from head to toe. It was clear at this point that the person in the hoodie was Johanna. So the guards began to advance on her, and I may have tripped the one that was closest to getting her, allowing her to get away. She noticed and thanked me later." A large smile takes over his face, one I've never seen before. I don't need him to tell me more, I can guess how Johanna Mason would thank someone. The thought makes me smirk.

While I was locked away, I had no idea I was even having a trial, nevermind that people cared enough to go. It makes me a little shaky to think that Peeta who was so fucked up at the time, would go everyday. That Johanna would make it worth her time. That Haymitch was worried about the outcome. I didn't even think Gale gave a shit about me. After I shot Coin I never saw him again, not until the Independence Day Ball. Yet he was there everyday. _Wow! _We are silent for awhile. Gale's voice comes through again.

"Katniss, If I had known what they were going to do with those bombs I never would have been involved. Prim...", his voice catches, "Prim was family to me too." I feel hot tears trickle down my cheeks. I know he would never have hurt Prim, ever. I never directly blamed him for her death. Though there were nights where I would lie awake wondering if he should be blamed in some way. "I am so sorry. I loved Prim."

I can do nothing but shake my head. Slowly, I regain strength and place my hand on his shoulder. His head is bowed and I can see the glisten of unreleased tears hanging on the the corners of his eyes.

"I know you loved her Gale. She loved you too. I know you would have always protected her, but sometimes things are out of our control." _I've learned that the hard way. _He quickly wipes the corners of his eyes, and we are back to staring at Zane's window. We don't speak again, but we know we don't have to. We will never again be what we were, but I am confident of one small truth. We will always be hunting partners.

About an hour later, the light in Zane's office goes out. We keep to our position and wait. A short time later Zane leaves the building. I let out a small gasp when I see him. Gale interprets my gasp correctly because I feel him become tense next to me. We quietly watch Zane walk to a car, get in and drive. We watch the direction his car turns out of the lot, and then he is gone.

"Let's go.", Gale says as he gets up. We head back to the hotel. Gale wants us to stake out the parking lot one more night before we strike. Once at the hotel Gale says he has to make a few calls. Wishes me a good night and then gets off on his floor. I make my way up to my floor. Arriving at my room, I go to insert my room key when my eyes dart over to Peeta's door. I sigh and head back downstairs; walking over to the front desk.

The woman at the desk seems to know who I am. "Miss Everdeen, how can I help you?"

"I need to be able to get into Peeta Mellark's room. I need to bring stuff to the hospital."

"Oh, of course, I hope he is doing ok." She fiddles with something on her desk.

"He's improving." I force a smile. A moment later she gives me a new room key, and wishes me a good night.

I head back up to Peeta's room, opening the door. He only spent one night in here, but I can sense him. The bed has been made, but I spot the white t-shirt he wears to bed hanging on a chair. I strip down and put on the shirt. I breathe in his scent, and it makes me sigh. I climb into his bed grabbing a pillow to cuddle and I drift off to sleep. _I miss you so much Peeta. _I spend most of the next day hauled up in Peeta's room.

I meet Gale in front of his room later in the afternoon, we repeat the stake out from the previous night. Though our conversation is much more tame. Zane leaves at the same time getting into the same car and drives in the same direction.

"Come back to my room I have some stuff to show you.", Gale says once Zane has exited the lot. Once back at his room, he points to a familiar black case on the bed. I open it, and gasp. It is _my_ bow. the Mockingjay's bow. I look at Gale, I can feel my jaw slackened. "Beetee got it for me, once we're done I'll have to get it back to him, but I figured you may want to use it." I drag my hands gently over the bow before noticing another box on the bed.

"What's that?", I gesture towards the box. Gale smiles.

"Ahh, this is awesome." He opens it revealing its contents. He pulls out 2 metal boxes, one has several buttons on it. "This is a remote control. Beetee and I developed them so that we could capture trains going to The Capitol, but it can be used on any moving vehicle. When this", he lifts the plain metal box, "Is attached to a vehicle I can use this", he points to the second box, "to drive it where I want it to go. It will also control all other functions of the car. Locks, windows, everything." I am speechless. I always knew Gale was good at traps, but with the help of Beetee he is absolutely brilliant.

"Why is Beetee helping us?" Curiosity always trends towards paranoia with me. Gale looks at me a little confused.

"Um, because you saved his life Katniss. And he trusts me." His answer satisfies me. We finish going over the plan again, and decide we will strike tomorrow night as Zane is leaving work for the evening.

My heart won't stop pounding in anticipation as I curl back into Peeta's bed later that night. It wasn't made this time. They obviously don't know that I am sleeping here. I find that I am beyond restless, and when I close my eyes I feel like I can't breathe. I know the cure, but it insights an argument in my head. Katniss the Hunter is worried about the distraction, is worried that the wicked thoughts going through her mind will taint his pure soul, even if they are locked in her own head. The other Katniss, the broken, lonely, fucked-up-beyond-repair Katniss however knows she will never be able to sleep without entwining her fingers in his. Katniss the Hunter loses; she will get her time tomorrow

I walk down the hall to Peeta's hospital room, occasionally catching a sympathetic smile or a mouthed "hi" coming from the nurses bustling around. The overhead lights in Peeta's room are off, but the glow of blue lights emanating from the machines around him light up his face, looking a bit like moonlight. I am glad Haymitch isn't here, I don't want to explain where I've been for two days, and where I am going tomorrow. I pull up a chair next to Peeta's bed and grab his hand in mine.

"Peeta, it's Katniss. I know I said I wouldn't see you until I was done, but I missed you so much. So much that I couldn't breathe. That's how it's always been when we've been apart, ever since our first games. When we didn't speak when we got back to 12, I just felt so empty. When The Capitol had kidnapped you, I used to spend hours locked in my bunker rolling that pearl you gave me over my lips, pretending that I was actually kissing you. I think it kept me sane." I jump up and kiss his lips, feeling his precious breath tickle my face. I lean back into the chair, never letting go of Peeta and doze off. When I wake up its very early morning. I detach myself from Peeta, wanting to leave before Haymitch arrives. I lean down kissing Peeta's cheek.

"I'll see you later." I grab a piece of paper. Not wanting Haymitch to worry, I scribble him a note that only he would understand.

_Haymitch,_

_ Remember the last time we got drunk together?_

_ I'm alright._

_ See you tomorrow,_

_ Katniss_

I go back to my room for the first time in about a week. Someone has slid about half a dozen phone messages from my mother under the door. When I am done with all of this I will have to call her. I am sure she has spoken to someone, maybe Haymitch, who has updated her. I'm also sure she's seen the same news report that everyone else has. I wonder to myself if my confession of love for Peeta would surprise her at all.

I dress in plain dark clothing and I walk to the bathroom, inspecting myself in the mirror. "Let's end this.", I say to myself. I get a smirk in return.

I am supposed to meet Gale down the street from the hotel, so no one at the hotel sees us together. We meet up at the set location and get started. We have a lot of set up to accomplish before tonight. Once we have everything in place we go to our spot in the trees and wait.

Just like clockwork, the light in Zane's office goes off and moments later he is walking to his car. Once in his car, Gale presses a button on the remote controller. We hear the car click, probably the locks. Gale starts the car from our location and we can see Zane start to slam on the windows. Luckily we're not going far. We cautiously follow the car by foot as Gale remotely drives it out of the lot, and down the street to a storage facility, where Gale was able to access an unused Capitol unit. I run ahead to open the unit door which is more than wide enough for the car to fit. Gale drives Zane's car into the unit. We walk around the front of the car, its headlights drowning us. Zane sits in the driver's seat, and though I cannot tell if he is scared or not, I still begin to smile, knowing how trapped he really is. Gale walks over to the side of the car and uses the remote to lower the passenger side window. He flicks in a small round ball, closing the window quickly. Gale and I stand back and watch the car fill with gas.

Once we are sure that Zane is passed out we put on gas masks given to us by Beetee. Air out the car and unit, put on gloves and take an unconscious Zane out of his car. Gale and I tie him to a metal foundation pole in the unit and wait for him to wake up.

At first when his eyes open he seems startled, but seems to all too smoothly regain his composure.

"And you are? Oh wait I know you." His dark eyes look into mine, and for a second I feel scared. "You are Katniss Everdeen. Well then, I can guess why you have me here. How is Peeta anyway? Saw he got into a bit of trouble at the celebration last week. Too bad. Though I can tell you from experience that Peeta is a tough young man." He sneers as me, "He took a remarkably long time to break." Quicker than a blink I am in front of him as my hand cracks across his face. Zane begins to laugh out loud. "Ah, I can see why he _loved_ you. Lots of fire in you." The word _loved_ brings a proud smile to his face. "And you.", he glances at Gale, "I recognize you from the videos of you two kissing which I showed Mr. Mellark. I have to thank you, those may have been the turning point in our therapy."

"I'm here for Johanna Mason, because of what you did to her." Gale's fists are clenched.

"Oh, Johanna Mason, what can I say about her. Mommy issues, daddy Issues, sexual deviance, attachment disorder, manic depression, and borderline personality disorder. Believe me, I did not cause any of her _issues_ in therapy, merely accentuated them." He is laughing again. Gale begins punching him over and over again in the face, leaving Zane bloody. When Gale stops, he rubs his knuckles, and Zane is left to spit blood, and possibly teeth from his mouth.

"I love working with specimens like you. So much rage, it's like dealing with the equivalent of wild animals." Gale and I look at each other, most likely thinking the same thing, that we would do anything to get this man to shut up.

I'm not sure how the torture begins or who starts, but a finger is cut off here, a deep slice in the skin there. At one point I start reciting verbatim entries of his journal. At first he seems unnerved by it, but it is definitely fleeting. He cries, screams, vomits all of which are physiological responses to pain, but at no point does he show the slightest bit of remorse. At points it is like he is actually enjoying the situation he's in. Proud that his actions created the monsters before him. It might be hours later, his face a bloody pulp. He looks up at me, straight in the eye. His voice is hoarse from screaming, but I hear what he says very clearly.

"What makes you any different than me?" The sting of this disturbing truth hurts me more than any pain I have ever been through. I have damaged my soul tonight. _This is enough._ I glance at Gale who seems ready to start a new round. _I need to stop this. _I run over to the black case on the other side of the room. I open it and pull out my Mockingjay bow. "Hello." I whisper, and it begins to hum. I swivel, quickly draw an arrow, and send it flying. It sails straight through Zane's left eye. He slumps in his chair. Dead. The sudden action makes Gale jump. He turns to look at me just as I am whispering "Good night."

We place Zane's dead body back in his car. We hop in the front and Gale drives it to the outskirts of The Capitol, to the edge of a river. We make sure we are hidden from the road before we start removing the equipment from the car. We then push it in the lake. We probably should wait for it to sink, but we are both so drained of everything that we just walk away. Gale has parked his own car about a mile down the road, hidden by tall grass. We are dead quiet, each lost in our own thoughts. Once we begin to see the lights of The Capitol in the horizon I hear Gale clear his throat.

"What do we do now?" His voice is not much louder than a whisper.

"We act like we do with any other hunting trip." My voice sounds so dark. "We leave it in the woods."


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi Again! I promised a quick update, so here you go! Also thank you for the lovely reviews. They mean so much to me!**_  
_

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, but i do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

**Enjoy!**

_What makes you any different than me? _Zane's final words swirl through my head, stabbing at my conscience. "What have I done?", I whisper to my reflection in my hotel room mirror. The truth is, I am no different. I am violence incarnate. I would cry out against the Games, but I have perpetuated violence on my own. I took Coin's life because she took Prim's life, but how right could that have been? Mia, someone who loved Coin, didn't think it was right and now Peeta is in a hospital bed. He may never wake up again. "Oh Peeta." I am shaking. I have committed torture for Peeta. Yet Peeta would never have condoned that action. No matter what Zane had done to him. Truly good Peeta would never have stomached such a thing. "What have I done?", I ask myself again. I close myself in my glass shower and begin to sob. The stream of water washing away the ever-coming tears. I don't know how long I stand in there. It is only when I decide to leave the shower that I notice the water is ice cold. My teeth are chattering and my breath is hard to catch. I never turned up the water's heat.

From the look of the sun it is well into morning. I dress simply, donning a warm wool coat, and decide to make my way to the hospital. I need to ask Peeta to forgive me. As I walk the couple of miles to the hospital, I relive the night before. My mind always going to those seven words: _What makes you any different than me? _I am a murdering torturer. I shudder as I walk down the hall to Peeta's hospital room. My breathing is labored. I reach his opened door and am about to walk in, when I hear the most beautiful sound ever.

"It was so bizarre Haymitch, I could hear her. I could hear her asking me to come back to her." Peeta is awake. My first instinct is to run to him, confess my love _again, _and ask him to forgive me. Sadly the truth sinks in as I sink to the floor, out of sight from those dwelling in the room. Peeta isn't going to forgive me, He will see me for what I am; a disgusting soulless monster. The tears I thought I no longer had, burn like fire as they travel down my face.

I find myself glancing down the hall, and see two agents approaching. Instinct tells me to get out of sight. I quickly duck into the unoccupied hospital room next to Peeta's. My instincts have paid off again, because the agents walk right into Peeta's room. I cautiously move towards the door so I can hear.

"Peeta Mellark?" One of the agents inquires.

"Can I help you?"

"I am Agent Fredericks and this is Agent Wilson. We are inquiring about your whereabouts between 8pm and 2am last night."

"Are you daft?", Haymitch snarls. "The boy's been in a fucking coma for over a week now. Don't you watch the news?" _I love you Haymitch. _I watch Agent Fredericks stiffen.

"Well than Mr. Abernathy, can I ask about your whereabouts at that time?"

Haymitch grunts, "At the Regal Hotel bar. Served by a pretty young thing named Irene. You can ask her yourself."

"What is this about anyway?" Peeta sounds impatient.

"We are investigating the death of one Dr. Julian Zane. It is being looked at as a homicide." _Fuck! How do they even...? _I hear Peeta gasp, and see Haymitch shut his eyes briefly. I lean in a little more and see Peeta start rubbing his temples at hearing that name.

"Well you've asked your questions time to..." Haymitch is cut off by Agent Wilson.

"One more question. Do you know the current whereabouts of Katniss Everdeen?" Haymitch who has been sitting this whole time jumps out of his chair.

"She's been sick, has been making herself sick ever since this boy got shot saving her life. She even left me a note." He hands my note to the agents who both read my broken message. "She tends to turn to...", he makes a gesture like he is drinking out of a bottle. "Can't say I blame her. She's probably locked up in her room, sleeping it off."

"Well according to the hotel's housekeeping,", the same agent begins, "no one has used Miss Everdeen's room in two days." I watch the sheer panic appear on Peeta's face. I can't let him worry about me anymore. Not after what he's been through.

"That's because I've been sleeping in Peeta's room." I state as I walk into the room. Peeta connects his eyes with mine and relief floods his face. "It helped with the nightmares. I hope you don't mind." Peeta simply has time to shake his head _no_ and smile before I am sitting on the edge of his bed, facing him. I take his face gently in my hands. I stare intently into the two crystal blue orbs I haven't seen in so long. "Don't blink." I whisper. "I haven't seen your eyes in so long." I'm sure its because of the lack of blinking that moisture begins to well up in his eyes. "When did you wake up?" Guilt begins to flood inside of me, that I wasn't here.

"Last night. They checked me out though, said everything looks fine, no brain damage." I laugh out a cry, as tears form again. I am so happy.

"Peeta, I am so sorry I wasn't here when you woke up." My hands still cupping his cheeks.

"It's ok, you're here now. That's all that matters." I am overwhelmed, my heart is aching to be as close to Peeta as possible. At this moment I don't care how he feels about me, because I know how I feel about him and the intensity of it is making me shiver. I suddenly find myself bringing my face down to his as I gently push my lips against his. I almost get the sense that he is pushing back, but brush it off as my imagination. When I finally pull away Peeta's eyes remain lazily shut. His lips are so still . I almost go down for a second, when a throat clearing drags me away. _Oh right._

"Miss Everdeen, my partner and I have been asked to bring you down to our headquarters for questioning." Peeta's eyes start to worry again. I keep my hands on his face but look away, over my shoulder, not wanting him to catch my lies.

"What for?" I allow my voice to spit irritation, for ruining my reunion with Peeta.

"We need to question you about the death of Dr. Julian Zane."

"Who's that?" I ask apathetically still not making eye contact with Peeta.

"That's the doctor who hijacked me." Peeta's answer is barely audible, but it makes me shudder my next breath. I am now looking Peeta in the eyes, because what I say next could be no more true.

"Then I'm glad he's dead." Peeta's eyes intensify on me, his face slightly scrunched in concentration. He is trying to read me.

"Will you come with us willingly Miss Everdeen or will we have to arrest you." My breath begins to quicken. Peeta weakly pushes himself up to a sitting position, and gathers me in his arms, pulling me down to his chest. I feel his mouth press into my hair.

"I won't let them take you." He breathes. I begin to laugh out loud. Poor Peeta can't even sit up without a struggle, but it would be just like him to do something heroically stupid if I let him. I sit up, though his arms still stay wrapped around my waist. I stare at his beautiful eyes again, the laughter still on my lips. I kiss him gently on his nose and allow my forehead to rest against his. I place a light hand on his stomach where he was shot. I whisper back my response.

"I won't let you get hurt for me ever again." Peeta closes his eyes, but his forehead stays pressed up against me, and his arms wrapped tight. They may have to pry me away after all.

"For fucks sakes. She hasn't seen him awake in over a week. He saved her life. He's a hero. Hell, she's a hero. That's what they were getting medals for, when you guys dropped the ball. Allowing a gun toting psycho that you obviously hadn't background checked present them. Now I think you guys can ease up a bit, give these kids a little while to get reacquainted before the government once again rips them apart." The glare on Haymitch's face is so intense, verging on murderous. At first both agents look angry, not liking being called out by the likes of Haymitch Abernathy. Eventually Agent Fredericks' face seems to soften. He taps Agent Wilson on the arm.

"Let them be. I have a couple of calls to make. When I am done you will come with us without a problem am I correct Miss Everdeen?" I nod and then both agents leave the room, though Agent Wilson is posted outside the door. Haymitch gives me a dark knowing look and follows the agents out. Peeta lays back against his pillows and I manage to curl my body next to him on the bed. I rest my head on his arm and drape my arm over his waist avoiding his stomach..

"You asked me to come back to you. Real or not real?"

"Well more like begged, but yeah, real." I glance up and watch a smile spread across his face, then he makes an exaggerated sigh_._

"Phew, that would have been so awkward if it was _not real_ huh." We both start laughing and for a brief moment nothing else matters, not the love block, or Zane or the agents outside. Peeta has come back to me, and I will never let him leave again. A mix between curiosity, amazement and paranoia guides my next question.

"You could hear me talking to you?"

"Bits and pieces. a phrase here, a word there. It was all very dreamlike but I knew it was you. The last thing I remember was something about a pearl I think." When I don't fill him in he just smiles and shrugs.

We continue to lay together quietly, Peeta plays with my hair while I'm tying and untying knots with the long drawstring of his hospital pants. Suddenly I feel Peeta shift.

"Hey look its me!" I look up at the TV that has been muted and, until now, didn't know was on. There on the screen is a picture of Peeta. The same headshot used during our first Hunger Games.

"Gah, couldn't they have used a more recent picture?" I complain

"Oh I don't mind." Peeta chimes in while turning up the volume. "Its back from when I was handsome." I can't help but roll my eyes at him.

"You're still handsome", I say before the blush hits my cheeks. Peeta gives me an unconvinced face. _You have no idea how beautiful you are._ Once the volume is up we catch a females voice.

"According to hospital sources Peeta Mellark is out of his coma and on the road to recovery."

"Hooray.", I cheer. "Didn't take them long did it?" Peeta chuckles and our attention turns back to the TV. Peeta's picture is gone. Instead the woman who was speaking earlier is on the screen.

"We are all so happy to hear of Peeta's recovery, but am I alone in Panem at still being blown away by the video from that day. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Can we play that footage for the audience now?" _Oh shit._ The realization of what footage she is talking about sinks in and I am panic stricken.

"Peeta give me the remote." I am nearly begging. At first he looks alarmed by the panic on my face, but then a slow grin appears. He shakes his head and stuffs the remote underneath him. I am tempted to go after it, but am afraid i'll either hurt him or pull out a wire. Instead I sit up, hang my legs off the bed. I am staring at the floor, trying to not to faint. I hear the video, the shooting, the commotion and me losing my mind, and of course professing my love for the boy who is oh so close in proximity right now. He doesn't say anything, and I am mortified that I will have to face him. My cheeks are burning.

"Miss Everdeen, it's time." _Yes it is. _I exhale the breath i've been holding and get up to head towards the door. Curiosity gets the best of me and I turn to Peeta. His face expresses something that I don't have words for. His eyes seem dark, and his mouth is slightly open. He then glances at the agent in the doorway and his expression instantly turns to a mixture of worry and anger.

"Don't worry Peeta, I'll be ok. I promise." I try to give him a steady smile. He doesn't seem convinced. Agent Fredericks takes a gentle hold of my arm at the door. Haymitch appears in front of me. He looks me in the eyes.

"It'll be ok Sweetheart." I nod and the agents and I start walking down the hall.

"Katniss... Katniss." I hear Peeta hollar. "I... I..." We are too far out of earshot and I never get to hear what he was trying to say.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi everyone! I am soooo sorry it took so long to post. Thank you so much for reading, following and reviewing. Some of your reviews have taken my breath away, thank you so much for the amazing words of encouragement!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

**I hope you Enjoy!**

I am deposited in the back of a sleek black car. A cage of sorts separates the front and back seats. Protection perhaps. I sink into the seat reliving my reunion with Peeta. My fingers absentmindedly raise to my mouth. My eyes close as I drag my fingers softly over my lips. _I kissed Peeta, and he didn't freak out. _I can't help the smile that creeps onto my face. My mind drifts back to us lying together, just being with each other... happy. The impending stress of life kept at bay, made to stand watch while we melt into a happy place we have only been a few times before. Peeta and Katniss' happy place. I hadn't realized how much I had missed it until just now. It's then that the rest of the time plays out. I cringe and my stomach contracts with anxiety when I think of Peeta watching the footage from the day he was shot. _He knows I love him now... Shit! _I have no idea what is going to happen with that. _Will he even want to be around me again?_ I know he can't love me. _Did I just make our relationship awkward again? _I groan out loud.

"You OK back there Miss Everdeen?" Agent Fredericks startles me back into the issue at hand. Z_ane... Fuck! How do they know he's dead? What did we do wrong, besides the obvious torture-murder combo? Did we clean up the evidence? I know we took care of the car, but what about the storage unit? I was so fried I have no idea what we did at the storage unit. Gale will know, but I can't talk to Gale. I wonder if they have brought him in. I hope not. Did the car not sink. Damn we should have waited. Did someone see us? _The possibilities claw at my brain. I notice Agent Fredericks eyes focused on me in the rearview mirror. I pull my fingers away from my mouth, having been biting my nails, to answer.

"I'm Fine", I mutter. I start incessantly chewing my nails once more.

About five minutes later we pull up to a large stone structure that reminds me of a glorified Justice Building. We park out back and a few moments later Agent Fredericks is holding the back door open for me. I climb out of the car and a gentle hand is put on my arm once again. I think very briefly about running, but quickly think better of it. I am lead through a side door and brought up a set of stone stairs. The landing opens into a wide corridor with doors lining each wall. As we walk down the hall I begin looking into each door's transparent glass windows. Three doors down I spot someone. _Shit... Gale! _It was only a glimpse but I am sure it was him. I begin panicking. _What do they know? _

I am brought to an empty office about half way down the corridor on the left. Agent Fredericks opens the door and gestures towards the table and two chairs in front of me.

"Have a seat Miss Everdeen, someone will be with you shortly. Would you like something to drink?." I shake my head in response and the door is closed behind me. The room consists of a wooden rectangular table and a folding chair on opposite sides of the table, besides that a light hangs from the ceiling above the setting, but that is all that decorates this near empty room. I sit down in the chair and begin nervously tapping my fingers on the table._ What do they know? _

I am left alone for sometime, until the door opens. The sudden movement makes me jump, and when I look up I see Agent Bradley walking in, a grim smile on his face.

"Hi Katniss, how are you doing?" I shrug. Knowing I owe this man my life, I know I should thank him, but I find myself lacking my voice. "I heard Peeta is awake. That's great news. We were all worried. Things did not look good that day." His face seems contemplative, possibly reliving the events. I am taken aback by this man's seemingly genuine concern for Peeta's well-being.

"Thank you.", finally finding my voice, "Thank you for helping Peeta, and thank you for stopping Mia. If not for you I would..." He begins waving me off.

"It's my job Katniss, and if my department had done a better job Mia wouldn't have been up on that stage, that's for sure. Can I tell you a story?" His eyes look into mine. I give a short nod, trying to hide my confusion. "I'm from District 7. When I was a small kid I used to watch my dad breaking his back every day. He was a tall and strong man, a born lumberjack, but doing the same incredibly physical job, everyday, without enough food or rest broke the man. Watching such a strong man slowly breakdown was one of the hardest things I have endured. When I was old enough to start wielding my own ax, I was terrified. I was already tall and pretty strong for my age, but I wanted more out of life. None of my interests included chopping trees, but because of where I was born that's the only thing I was ever going to be able to do. I... I knew they were going to break me too. I fell in love with this girl when I was 16... Sarah. She was smart and beautiful and everything I could ever want." He closes his eyes and a soft smile appears on his face. "But I could never make her mine. How could I?" He opens his eyes and shrugs. "Marriage means kids and there was no way in hell I would let my child watch me break like I watched my dad. No way I would have a child who could be reaped. So that was it, I was going to chop trees till I died alone. Until..." His eyes bore into mine with such intensity. "You and Peeta pissed off Snow." He chuckles softly. "That was when things began to change. In Seven, we started saying things like '_If two 16 year old kids can say "Fuck you." to the government, why can't we?' _ I'm sure at the end of the day you two just wanted to get home anyway you could, but that small act of difiance meant our freedom. Now here I am, an agent. I have food and security, make a decent wage, and there is no chance that any child I have will ever have to fight in the arena. I owe that to you and Peeta." He leans over the table towards me, and begins to whisper. "I know what Zane did, I read his file. Sick motherfucker. None of that info will hit the press though. No matter how much better this government is, it still has wayward tendencies." He leans back into his seat and begins talking at a normal level again. "My partner has an exact replica of your Mockingjay bow. Can you believe it? Works and everything. I think he got it from a shop downtown, how _interesting_ is that?" The way he says_ interesting_ tugs at me in the same way a message from Haymitch would. Abruptly he gets up and extends his hand to me. I take it willingly. "Well, good luck Katniss, I wish you the best, and I hope Peeta continues to recover." He heads towards the door. Suddenly I get an urge to ask him something.

"Hey, Agent Bradley, what ever happened to Sarah?" He turns to me and smiles lifting his left hand revealing a wedding band I hadn't noticed before.

"She married me." His smile makes me smile. Maybe I am becoming sentimental, but I am really beginning to enjoy love stories. He opens the door, but before he leaves I see an agent escorting someone else I know down the hall... Cressida.

"Bradley", his name comes out as a frantic whisper. He turns and looks at me, concern on his face. "What is Cressida doing here?" Taking in my question he cocks an eyebrow at me.

"Her sister was made into an Avox. Zane was in charge of Avox reprogramming. She was a major advocate for Zane being tried as a war criminal." He gives me a sullen nod and heads out the door. My heart begins racing. I'm taken back to my conversation with Cressida in my living room. _Let's just say I have lost too. _I realize that I have been set up, but I don't blame her. _Zane was in charge of Avox reprogramming? _For the first time since Zane's death I feel justified in what I have done. _I'll make Peeta understand. _

I'm left alone for what seems like hours. My mouth has become dry, and I regret not accepting a drink when asked. Eventually the door opens and woman in her late 50's with graying blond hair, pulled back in a messy bun, steps in. She has a stack of files with her. She places the stack on the table before looking at me. With a smile she extends her hand.

"Katniss Everdeen, Hi I am Agent Lake. I'm here to ask you a few questions." She releases my hand and has a seat. She folds her hands on the table in front of her. "So, Katniss, this has been a crazy week for you."

"Yeah try a crazy life." I snort at her. Her mouth turns up in a smile,but her eyes tell me this is just for show.

Yes, well...I suppose you are right about that." Her voice is icy. "So, during our investigation we confiscated a copy of Cressida's documentary that she is doing about the war. A documentary which includes unreleased information about Zane. Also in this documentary is a very provocative segment featuring you." _Ugh, the documentary._ "When and exactly where was this shot?" I take a deep breath. This is not the direction I thought these questions would go. _Will I give something away by answering. _

"The segment was shot about a month ago at my house in District 12." _Phew, that doesn't sound incriminating... right?_

"What made you decide to do the documentary?" The question throws me, but I keep my face emotionless.

"Cressida and I had been through alot together, plus Panem deserves to know some of the cost for their freedom."

"What else did you and Cressida discuss?" _Oh you know about the man who tortured Peeta._

"Peeta."

"What about Peeta?"

"About his recovery, how he was doing much better then the last time she saw him."

"Did you discuss Dr. Zane?" It is with great difficulty I keep my stoney composure.

"I didn't even know that Dr. Zane existed until those agents came to Peeta's room today." She gives me a skeptical glare.

"You mean to tell me that Peeta never at any point discussed the man who tortured him?"

"If you knew Peeta at all, you would know that it is not his style to complain, or to seek sympathy. He has never discussed any part of his torture with me. He wouldn't want to burden me with it." As I say these words, I realize how true they are. I am instantly stung by guilt. I have never been the attentive friend that Peeta deserves.

"Let's change pace shall we.", she grabs a file from the pile and opens it, "Let's discuss Gale Hawthorne." She gives off a small chuckle. "You know until very recently I actually believed that he _was_ your cousin. I'm sure most of Panem believed that. Snow was desperate to keep you and Gale's relationship familial. That desperation tells me that you two were a little more than _buddies."_ She looks so pleased with herself for figuring this out, but frankly I am bored. How the hell does this matter to the investigation? She looks at me waiting for an explanation.

"Gale and I had been friends since I was 12. After the first Hunger Games, Snow was worried that people would see Gale, an attractive young man, hanging out with 50% of the Star-Crossed Lovers and people would start to doubt that Peeta and I were in love. Sure, Gale and I had our moments, but our relationship never developed into anything beyond friendship." _So, fuck you._

"So, now you are in love with Peeta, and Gale is in love with...", she picks up a piece of paper and squints at it, "...Johanna Mason."

"The last time I checked, yes." Her grin looks like it is ready to split in two.

"Then can you explain why you were seen entering his room two consecutive nights this week. A day after Johanna Mason travelled back home to District 2?" _Fuck. _I can feel the hair on my neck standing. _Stay calm, Katniss!_

"Like I said, we are old friends. Haven't seen each other for close to a year. We're both staying in the same hotel, and neither of us had many people to hang out with. Would you expect us not to see each other?" _Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm. _

"Why not pick a more public venue?" Her question makes me want to smack her.

"Yeah, I suppose that's easy for someone who isn't recognized everywhere they go to say." _Brilliant Katniss! _The agent frowns, but quickly grabs another file.

"So, your Mockingjay bow. The one that was developed for you by the rebellion, when was the last time you had it in your possession?"

"The last time I had it was at the time of Coin's death. It was taken from me after that." My face has returned to stone.

"There were shards from an arrow that matches _your_ bow's arrows found in Zane's eye. Can you explain that?" I manage to shrug apathetically.

"How do you expect me to explain that? You found shards from arrows that I haven't had in a year. You call it _my_ bow, but it's the Mockingjay's bow and I haven't been the Mockingjay in a very long time." It is then I realize what Agent Bradley was trying to say, "Plus, any fool knows that exact bow is being replicated all over Panem. From what I hear there is a fucking shop downtown that sells them." I huff in frustration and cross my arms.

"Well if you are so against being the Mockingjay, then how would you know they sold replicas in a shop downtown?", she counters, but I am on a roll now.

"You'd be surprised the things people think I care to know about." The agent regards me cooly and closes the file. She stands and walks over to the door, opens it and gestures someone to come over to her. A tall, dark skinned agent appears.

"Agent Burroughs, please escort Miss Everdeen, back to the hospital or hotel, which ever she would like, I have asked all the questions I need to for today." She then turns to me. "Miss Everdeen, it is my understanding that Mr. Mellark will be in the hospital for a few more days before he will be cleared to go home. I assume you will be here for that time as well. Please understand as this investigation progresses you may be asked to come in for more questioning. Also, when you go back to District 12, it is advisable that you remain in District 12 until the investigation has concluded."

"The only time I leave District 12 is when the Capitol makes me leave." I am seething now. She seems almost startled by my forwardness.

"Fair point, Miss Everdeen." Without another word she leaves. Agent Burroughs waits by the door. I walk behind him as he leads me down the hall. The room that had been occupied by Gale is now empty. I am not sure what that means.

I ask the agent to drive me back to the hospital. As I sit slumped in the back seat, I try to make sense of what just happened. The agents questions seemed nonsensical, and I still don't know how they found out Zane was dead. I don't know anything. _I hope Gale's ok. _When we approach the hospital it is already dark, though I am not sure the exact time. My anxiety is at an all time high with the anticipation of seeing Peeta. He's awake and I love him, but now he knows I love him, and he can't love me. _How is this going to go? _I make my way down the hallway to Peeta's room. When I peer in through the door I see he is engaged in a conversation with Dr. Venuti. He glances up briefly, and I can see the relief register on his face, but he doesn't smile and immediately he is back to his conversation with the doctor. Before I have time to analyze the scene I am being tapped on the shoulder.

"Hey Sweetheart. The boy's getting his neuro function tested. They think he can go home soon." I turn to face my mentor. His face is relaxed but his eyes are laced with worry. "You just missed Gale, came by to see if any of us had been brought in for questioning. He was under the impression that the agents didn't have anything beyond circumstantial evidence." I exhale a breath I feel like I had been holding in since the agents first took me in. Haymitch seems to understand and leads me to a couple of seats in the hallway. "Listen Sweetheart you should know that Peeta has insisted on watching the coverage of Zane's death. They have released that they found his car in a lake outside of The Capitol, got stuck on something and didn't sink, which they believe was the intention." He narrows his eyes at me. "From the look of the body, they know that there was torture involved and that it was personal. Though of course there was no mention of the list of inhumane things this sicko did. Since that came out Peeta has been... distant." I turn back to look at the door to his room. Poor Peeta, this must be awful for him. Hearing constantly about a man who did unspeakable things to him. I feel the sting of tears in my eyes. Suddenly, Haymitch's hands are on my arms, pulling me back to look at him, the sudden turn allows for the release of a few tears that drift down my cheeks. His eyes bore into mine and his head leans in close, his voice no higher than a whisper. "I understand, I know what you have and would do for that boy, but be careful, Sweetheart. I may understand, but he may not." I accept what he is saying right away. I am sure in the eyes of Peeta's perfect soul I would be nothing more than a monster. I know I don't want to lose Peeta so I make a decision. _I am not going to tell him. _

"Thank you Haymitch.", I say in the midst of of wiping away the remaining unshed tears from my eyes. We head back to the room. Haymitch has his arm protectively draped over my shoulders. We get to the door as Dr. Venuti is leaving. When she sees us she smiles.

"Peeta is doing fantastic, better than I could have imagined possible. I think he should be able to head home tomorrow." Her smile is contagious. _Home. _

We thank her, before heading back into Peeta's room. Peeta looks up from his bed, and our eyes lock briefly before his face becomes pensive and he quickly looks away. Part of me wants to know why, because of Zane or because of my amorous confessions. Yet the majority of me knows just how long it has been since I have slept. Without a second thought I climb into the armchair in the corner of the room, and drift off to sleep listening to the upbeat banter between Haymitch and Peeta.

_I am in the storage unit, tied to a pole. The room is now a sterile white, and smells of hospital grade disinfectant. The overhead lights hurt my eyes, making it hard to focus. I hear a familiar laugh but cannot see where it is coming from until he is right in my face. Zane. "What should we do to her?", he cackles in my face. Suddenly there is another face near mine. "Peeta.", I whisper but my voice sounds like a ghosts. He has a wicked smile on his face, a smile that isn't his. "Oh, I don't know, I've heard somewhere that the monster likes fire." His eyes are black and twinkle with sinister glee. While Zane and Peeta look down upon me, a third person comes to step between them holding a torch. Gale. "Let's light her up.", he says matter-of-factly. I try to scramble away, free myself, only to realize I am now tied tightly to a stake,standing atop a pile of wood and dead branches. I am no longer in the unit, but outside, in the Capitol square. There is a crowd screaming "Kill the monster". Zane, Peeta and Gale stand below me. Gale quickly and efficiently lights the pile on fire. I begin begging for help, but no one comes. I suddenly feel the fire climbing its way onto me, that's when my screams begin. _

"Katniss... Katniss!" Peeta is yelling at me. He just watched me burn. _Stay away. _I start pushing away, and trying to scramble. I hear him call to me again. "Katniss, it's ok, you're dreaming. I'm here. Katniss... " My eyes shoot open and I realize I am holding my knees and have pushed myself deep into the armchair. Peeta is kneeling in front of the chair, his face fraught with worry. Poor Peeta who has been through so much, is kneeling in front of me, making sure I am ok. _I love him so much! _The sight of him makes me burst into tears. Peeta gets up and his unsteadiness is obvious. I start to protest wanting him to go back to his bed, but instead I find myself being lifted as he quickly sits down on the armchair taking me into his arms and onto his lap. My head rests on his chest while his fingers comb through my hair. Peeta's voice tries to sooth away my tears. My heart hurts when I remember this is how I used to hold Prim when she was a small child. This thought makes the tears sting more showing no sign of stopping. Peeta just holds me, rocking gently, occasionally planting a light kiss on my head. The awkwardness of earlier confessions and the pain evoked by Zanes death have temporarily dissipated. The night has always been cruel enough.

When I awake in the morning, I am alone in the armchair, but a blanket has been placed over me. Peeta is asleep in his bed. His absence from my side hurts ever so slightly, but I enjoy the peaceful look on his sleeping face. I get up and walk quietly to his bed. I lean over leaving a feather light kiss on his cheek. "Thank you.", I breathe. He lightly mumbles something incoherent but stays asleep. I decide to head back to the hotel to gather our belongings. We are going home today.

Later in the morning, Haymitch and I wait patiently in Peeta's room while he receives his final discharge instructions. Unfortunately the reprieve from last night did not extend to the morning, and the air between Peeta and I is thick. Besides the occasional uncomfortable fleeting glances most of our communication has strategically been done though Haymitch or doctors. Haymitch has informed us that The Capitol is sending us home via hovercraft, really the least they could do. I roll my eyes at their _accommodation_. We are strapped into the hovercraft. Peeta is right next to me, and Haymitch is directly in front of me. Peeta still hasn't looked at me or spoken directly to me since my nightmare last night.

As we become airborne, my heart becomes heavy. I know that I will have to deal with this when we get home. I need to find a way to fix this awkwardness between us. I know he is incapable of loving me, and hopefully one day that changes, but I am completely taken aback by how much my confession of love for him has turned things so sour. I feel a lump forming in my throat. _How did we get here? _I lean my head back and shut my eyes hoping to step out of the world I am currently in. It is then that I feel a familiar warmth envelope my hand. When I open my eyes, I look down to see Peeta's hand entwined in mine. He still isnt looking at me, but this gesture means so much. _Maybe things aren't completely lost after all._

**Just wanted to let you all know, that next chapter is _THE_ chapter that I am sure a lot of you have been patiently waiting for... I can't wait myself. Thanks for reading!**_  
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	12. Chapter 12

**Hi everyone! As always thanks for reading... As promised there is a LEMON in this chapter. eek!... I am so nervous, because this is their "first time" (unless you want to count the time they did it before the second Quell because we all know they did... hee hee) So its hard to do some justice for these poor kids, while staying in character and working with their inexperience, plus keeping it less gratuitous because I don't want to get into trouble. I just hope I came through for you guys and of course Katniss and Peeta.**

**So without further ado... I really hope you enjoy!**

Once back in District 12, we quickly fall back into routine. Breakfast resumes. Greasy Sae is anxious to hear about our tumultuous visit to The Capitol. Peeta and I get by on the bare minimum of communication. I pretend not to notice Sae and Haymitch's worried stares. Besides breakfast and the occasional group dinner, Peeta and I have not been near each other since getting back to Twelve. He always manages to find a plausible excuse as to why he can't stay after breakfast or why we can't work on the book, but in the end I know they are merely that... excuses. I had at one point hoped that Peeta would one day be my lover, but right now he's not even my friend. This painful truth ties my stomach in knots and leaves me completely off my game. I haven't been able to hunt with any success since being back. My nights are restless and filled with horror, yet Peeta never calls to check up on me.

About a week after getting back to District 12, I realize I can't handle this tension between us anymore. Every moment without him in my life breaks me just a tiny bit more. If Peeta cannot handle me being in love with him, well then I'll just tell him that I don't. It takes me until mid-afternoon to gather the courage to walk to his house. At first, my knock on his door is as light as a mouse, but I take a deep breath and bang again with a tad bit more authority. Peeta opens the door and our eyes lock for the first time in what seems like forever. His eyes reveal no twinkle and the darkness under his eyes reveals his lack of sleep. I think momentarily I see a spark of happiness as he looks at me, but that moves quickly to confusion and then defeat.

"Hi.", my voice sounds hoarse.

"Hi.", Peeta counters, still not taking his eyes off of mine. I think I begin to blush.

"Will you come for a walk with me? I'd like to show you something." I hold my breath waiting for his answer. The pause seems like an eternity and I take it as a bad sign.

"Sure.", he sounds cautious, "Let me just get my coat."

A few moments later we are walking out of Victor's Village. _I hope this works. _We walk in silence through downtown. I am momentarily taken aback by the progress in the rebuilding. The hospital is almost finished. Peeta seems to gather some life back into his face as he oversees the sight. We walk to the meadow, which has been cleared out, and is covered with a layer of snow. We continue to the opening in the barely standing fence and duck our way into the woods. Peeta remains silent but follows without question. Before long we are at the lake. I take a seat on a smooth rock on the side of the lake, and gesture for Peeta to do the same. He complies, and we sit silently looking at the partially frozen lake in front of us. It surprises me when Peeta is the first to speak.

"I've been here before... briefly. That day that you...", he stops short, but he doesn't have to finish. I glance over to the far end of the lake knowing that a path leads to the Grandfather tree. He was here the day I tried to kill myself.

"My father and I used to come here all the time. It was our secret place. He taught me to swim in this lake. We were happy here."

"I always wondered where you learned how to swim." I smile at him and to my surprise he smiles back. I know what I have to do. I turn and face the lake once more, not being brave enough to look him in the eye, afraid that he will catch my lie.

"Listen, Peeta. The footage from the day you were shot, you have to understand I was out of my mind. I was dealing with the loss of my sister, the trauma of being shot at, and when I saw you lying there in a pool of blood I literally snapped. I was hysterical." A lump begins to form in my throat as I think about that day. "So I mean you have to understand that some of the things that came out of my mouth were stress induced."

"Stress induced?" He sounds genuinely curious.

"Yeah. I mean, of course I love you. You are my best friend, you know me better than anyone, but with the craziness of everything in that moment my feelings for you may have come out more intense than what they really are." I sigh. I managed to say all of that and not burst into tears. Peeta will see that I'm not in love with him, and we can move on. I wait patiently for Peeta to respond, but the time continues to tick by. I manage to muster the courage to look at him, but he is just staring impassively at the lake. _What is going on? _My frustration begins to boil over.

"Peeta did you hear what I said?" Nothing. "Peeta?" He just continues to stare at the lake. after a few more seconds of silence I jump to my feet, growling in the process. "What's wrong?", I am practically yelling now, but still nothing. I find a loose stone at my feet, quickly pick it up and throw it into an iced over part of the lake using all my might. "Fine!", I scream. "Just ignore me for the rest of our lives, whatever makes you happy Peeta!", I hiss before stomping away from him. Once I am a fair distance away, I pick up another loose stone and whip it into a nearby tree. "Fuck!", I scream at the top of my lungs, knowing full well that Peeta and any other living creature in the woods could hear it. I continue to stomp my way out of the woods.

With my anger at a critical mass, I am ready to kill the next person to even look at me. _How dare he? He told everyone he loved me on live tv and well... I did cut his hand, but that's only because I thought he was making it up for strategy. I didn't treat him like this afterwards. Hell, I saved his goddamn life afterwards. I'm sure the other tributes would have left him to die in the fucking cave._ This thought stops me short, and threatens to end my anger. I push the idea out of my head and continue my furious trek back home. As I push through downtown, I see Thom glancing at me from a construction site. He looks like he's about to tip his hat to me, but I am sure the scowl on my face deters his plans and he quickly looks away. _Good! _

I make it to my house in Victor's Village and promptly slam the door behind me. My first instinct is to tear the house down piece by piece to quell my anger. I take a few deep cleansing breaths and try to find an alternative. I need something cathartic. I spot the dishes in the sink and decide to scrub the ever loving shit out of every dish. I am still fuming at the gall of Peeta Mellark, but this non-violent activity is exactly what I needed, and slowly the slamming pulse in my temple begins to calm.

Some time passes, and my heartbeat has almost returned to normal when I hear the door open and someone walking in. I know who it is without the help of the prosthetic's heavy step. Even in my current state my heart sings to him. _Stay strong Katniss._

"What? Peeta decided to come ignore me in my own house?", I ask coldly while continuing to scrub the dish in my hand, not turning around. He remains silent. I think long and hard about whipping the dish in my hand at him, but decide the dish deserves better and put it in the drying rack. I grab another dirty dish and begin scrubbing. I hear him walking closer to me, but decide to deny my body's urge to turn around.

"You killed Zane, real or not real?" His question stabs me in the back, and I have to fumble to catch the dish that attempts to jump out of my hand. I pretend I didn't hear right, or maybe not at all. _This isn't happening, he isn't really asking me this_. I continue scrubbing. "You killed Zane, real or not real?" The desperation in his voice is palpable as he repeats the question.

"Don't ask me that." My voice comes out so small. I put the dish down in the sink, dry my hands and start walking into the other room, still not looking Peeta's way. I can hear him following.

"Katniss, you killed Zane, real or not real?" I hear the desperation begin to mix with anger.

"Don't ask me that.", I say a little louder as I continue my attempted escape. Suddenly there is a strong grip on my shoulder. I am spun around while a second strong hand grabs my other shoulder as I am pushed into the wall a few inches behind me. The impact doesn't hurt, but it startles me, and tears begin to form behind my closed eyes. I reluctantly pry my eyelids open. Peeta's face is only inches from mine. His eyes are still blue, but filled with anger.

"Katniss, did you kill Zane?"

"Please don't ask me that." His hands are still clutched onto my shoulders.

"Why Katniss? Why don't you want me to ask you?" I just shake my head.

"Katniss! Answer me!" His yell makes my bottom lip tremble. I take a deep labored breath, my heart is pounding in my throat. I look him straight in the eyes, the blue of his eyes refracted through my own tears.

"Because, even if you could love me, you could never love a person who could do that to another human being." Even through my tear-saturated eyes I can see Peeta's own tears begin to form. His jaw drops open, his grip releases as he starts to back away. My tears fall unrestrained now, as sobs begin to get stuck in my throat. As he backs away I can't help thinking that this is probably the seventh and final time I will lose Peeta. Once he gets a little distance between us he stops, bends at the waist placing his hands on his knees like he had just been running.

"Damn it Katniss." He sounds winded. I stay pressed against the wall not wanting to move or speak. I see his back rise as it fills with a deep breath. He eventually looks up at me, but he remains in his bent position. My vision is so blurred I can barely see him. "You love me, real or not real?" His question makes me gasp. I shake my head in confusion.

"What?", I croak. Peeta stands and is looking at me with a strange intensity.

"I asked if you love me."

"I... I... I told you, at the lake..." I watch as Peeta's jaw clenches

"No, Katniss, just answer me, no more lies. You love me, real or not real?" The sudden breath I inhale is sharp and painful. My heart feels as if it doesn't want to beat anymore. I think I might be shaking.

"Real..." The whisper leaves my lips, and I can almost see its physical manifestation reach Peeta's ears. When it does I watch his eyes widen, but he quickly puts his head down. He puts his hands on his hips and I can hear him release a choppy breath. Suddenly and without warning Peeta flips his head up and his eyes are filled with something I haven't seen there in so long. Desire? Lust? Surely not love.

Peeta quickly closes the distance between us, taking my face in both of his hands, after a split second pause. His lips crash into mine, the force slamming my body once again into the wall behind me; this time the action makes me moan against Peeta's lips. His tongue enters my mouth without resistance, and its velvet smoothness glides against mine. _This is not real, this is not happening, I've lost my mind. _I try to move my hands in attempts to ground myself. Slowly, I glide my fingers up Peeta's back and neck losing them in his hair. When I tug lightly it is Peeta's turn to moan against my mouth. Peeta's kisses leave my mouth and begin traveling down my cheek to my jaw and make their way down to my neck, every once in awhile flicking a sharp tongue, sucking, and nipping. The feeling this conjures is one I've never felt before, My head rolls back, resting on the wall, while my hands remain fisted in Peeta's blond curls. An intense hunger begins to build inside of me, one that I have never been close to feeling before. _You have never known hunger_ my body chastises me.

Peeta's hands have long ago left my face and are moving up and down the sides of my torso, his thumbs skimming the outer edge of my breasts, while he continues his attack on my neck. He has pressed against me so tight that his torso has me pinned against the wall. His thumbs catch under my t-shirt and begin dragging it upward. My heart starts beating erratically, as his hands glide against my bare skin. _This isn't right._

"Peeta, stop. Peeta." His hands instantly drop to his sides, he pulls back and his eyes are bright with alarm.

"I'm sorry, are you ok?" I take a deep breath and try to form the question I need the answer to. I focus on his eyes, and hope...

"You love _me_, real or not real?" Peeta's eyes grow wide, and fresh tears pool above his bottom lid. His mouth makes an _o _shape, and he furrows his brow. He looks devastated and I'm afraid to find out why. Suddenly my face is in his hands again. He looks so deeply into my eyes, that he may actually be gazing at my soul. I feel myself blush at his intensity.

"Real, Katniss." He gently kisses my forehead. "Yes." He gently kisses my lips. "I love you, Katniss.", he says against my mouth, before planting another gentle kiss. I pull back and look into blue eyes still lined with tears. They are all I ever want to look at forever. I want to ask how does he love me, what changed, but now is not the time. All that matters now is that he _does_ love me, and that...

"I love you, Peeta." His forthcoming smile is dazzling, and I know it is only matched by the smile that has consumed my face. We gaze at each other silently. Gradually however our smiles begin to drop, and I can see my own needs and desires reflected in his eyes. The air around us becomes electric. This hunger will no longer be ignored.

We crash into each other with an animalistic urgency, our mouths demanding attention. We consume each other like we are the air we need to breath. My arms snake around Peeta's neck drawing his face closer to mine, and his arms wrap around my waist pulling me flush against his body. Our tongues dance and our grips tighten, but the hunger doesn't go away. In fact it gets worse. It wants more. I let my body take over, and I find myself pushing us towards the couch in the livingroom, never taking my mouth off Peeta's. Once at the couch, I push Peeta down onto it and quickly straddle him. At first I take his face into my hands while my mouth seeks out his, but my hands move up to tangle themselves into his hair. Peeta moans against my mouth as I tug at his locks. His kisses begins moving to my neck again, while his arms pull my body against his.

Suddenly he is lifting my shirt again, and though I hold my breath, I don't stop him this time. He proceeds to slowly lift the shirt over my head, tossing it aside. Before I can think, he begins working on the clasp of my bra, releasing it, and pulling the straps down to my elbows. Abruptly he stops kissing my neck and leans back. His eyes begin to slowly work their way around my naked torso. I begin to feel self-conscious, as I glance down at my scars. Instinctually I cover my chest with my arms, despite the lack of scars on my breasts. I look away from Peeta's hungry gaze. I feel his fingers on my chin as he guides my face back to meet his. He is shaking his head at me.

"You are beautiful." He says it with such conviction that I feel my arms slowly lowering from my chest. Peeta quickly shifts, wrapping his arms around my waist, and I am now lying down underneath him on the couch. "So beautiful.", he whispers as his hands begin to ghost over my skin. He leans down so his mouth is right next to my ear, his breath tickling my neck. "I have wanted this for so long." He lightly nibbles and sucks on my earlobe, between that and his words I let out a moan. His mouth begins to work down my neck, down my chest, stopping to take his time kissing the inner edge of my right breast, eventually moving his way down to the nipple. He grabs my nipple with his mouth and begins an overwhelming assault of kissing, biting and tugging. His actions in this oversensitive area make me lose myself entirely. My hips raise up to meet his, and I can hear the hitch in his breath. I want to feel his skin against mine, need to feel it. I grab the bottom of his shirt and begin pulling up. Peeta helps pull it over his head and throws it to the side where he had earlier discarded mine.

I notice right away that Peeta's chest is much more scarred than mine, but he is no less beautiful. I begin dragging my fingers gently up and down his chest. Peeta lets out a light moan and his breathing increases. I grab him by the shoulders and pull him down so he is flush against my skin. His bare chest pressing down on my sensitive breasts. His mouth finds mine again, and his hot breath enters me. I wrap my legs around his waist raising my hips to meet his over and over again, trying to find a way to settle the ever growing hunger that I feel deep inside. His hips quickly find my movement and he is meeting me thrust for thrust. My arms are wrapped around his back pulling him hard against me, but the hunger keeps growing.

I am now aware of how little stands between us being completely naked, and how, once naked, the next step is inevitable. I can't speak for Peeta, but I can say the farthest I have ever gone with anyone has been with this boy that I have wrapped myself around. I quickly contemplate if I want to take the next step with Peeta. The burning hunger inside of me screams _Yes! _I can't argue with it. I unhook my legs and begin moving my arms between us as I desperately try to undo my pants. While fumbling with the button, my knuckles graze against Peeta's already swollen erection which is bulging from his pants. The act makes Peeta moan loudly as he pushes his erection against me. Hearing him makes my need for him greater. I manage to undo the button and begin shimmying my pants down. Peeta catches on quickly. He sits up with wide desperate eyes and helps pull my pants off, leaving me with nothing but panties. He traces the waistband of my underwear with a very shaky finger, I realize that I am trembling as well.

Peeta seems to gather his composure somewhat, as he bends down kissing the outside of my panties. I am instantly transported back to the dream I had while on the last train to The Capitol. The collision of the two worlds makes me convulse with terrible need. I grab his strong arms coaxing him back up to my mouth. Once our lips are connected again, it is time for my shaky hands to make their way to Peeta's pants. I hook my fingers under his waistband and tug.

"Peeta.", I beg against his lips. He pulls back, quickly accesses the need in my eyes and begins quickly undoing his pants. I follow suit and start removing my last shred of clothing. We both wear goofy grins and begin giggling nervously. Though once we are both completely stripped the air changes around us. Looking at him in his beautiful entirety I feel something start tightening deep inside of me. He is standing next to the couch looking down at me, his breathing is heavy and his fingers still betray slight tremors. My mouth opens to help me breathe better and my chest heaves with each nervous breath.

"Katniss... I..." Quickly I put a finger to my lips silencing him, I gently shake my head. Whatever he needs to say, he can tell me in another way. My body will currently only understand one form of communication. I beckon him to me with a slowly curling finger. Without hesitation he is once again on top of me.

At first we are kissing hungrily, feeling skin on skin, feeling friction. Peeta adjusts and is pushing himself inside of me, filling me. The immediate sensation is pain, and I yell out against Peeta's lips. He stills and lifts his head up to look at my face, waiting on me. I acclimate rapidly and give him a small nod urging him to continue. He takes it slow, and my body begins to adjust. The pain dissipates and pleasure begins to take its place. I feel myself beginning to build up. The sensation makes me moan out Peeta's name. He seems to take this as encouragement and his pace picks up. I am building up faster, each thrust producing a moan. I grasp tightly to Peeta's back, digging my fingers into his skin. Peeta's moans and choppy breath make my insides tighten more. _I love you so much. _My hips lift to meet each thrust as the pace has quickened. As I get closer and closer to my breaking point, I find myself getting louder and louder, calling out his name, praying to him. One more thrust and I am completely undone with a moaning scream. Peeta follows soon afterwards, I think he whispers my name before he collapses on top of me. Both of us glistening with sweat, our breathing labored, both trembling. Peeta rolls most of his weight off of me, but leaves his right arm draped over my waist and his head laying on my bare breasts.

He turns so he is facing me. His eyes are the brightest blue I have ever seen them, and shine for me. His smile is wide, beautiful and infectious. I feel myself grinning back at him. I have never known happiness like this. Peeta moves himself up so he is lying right next to me. I turn my head to face his, and he greets me with a soft and simple kiss. He wraps his arm around my waist pulling me close and nuzzles his face into my hair. I can feel his smile against my neck.

"Oh, Katniss.", he breathes. I lean my head against his and wrap my arm around, playing with his hair. This feels so incredibly right. In this moment, I realize it was always meant to be. I would never be able to feel this kind of intense happiness with anyone besides my beautiful boy with the bread. I just wish it hadn't taken so goddamn long.

**EEEEK! I really hope you guys enjoyed, and stay tuned there will be truckloads of explanations, confessions and post-coital cuteness next chapter. I just wanted these kids to have a little time to enjoy! Thanks for reading!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi Everyone! I am so sorry or the delay. Life got in the way, then I read the first two Divergent books (Amazing btw I recommend to all!) and they made my mind mush for awhile. Tris and Four were competing with Katniss and Peeta too much for me to write. But I finally got this Chapter done**.

**This Chapter is kind of odd. This is the "Talking" chapter. I don't know how you guys will feel about it, but I have always felt like these kids suffered from a severe lack of communication and I hope this helps in a way. **

**I hate to say this but I think this story only has 1 chapter left after this one. There will be minor angst in the next chapter, but I think I just want K&P to live happily ever after already... But thank you so much for taking this journey with me. Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews, and for everyone who follows and has Favorited this story ~Thank you, thank you, thank you!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

**Enjoy!**

We spend the rest of the day and most of the night getting to know each other in ways I never thought could be possible. We act like children with a new toy; play with it relentlessly. Through it all our verbal communication has been nothing more than giggles, moans and heated confessions of love. I am taken back to a day in Thirteen. _Can't have_ _The Mockingjay actually get pregnant. _When Peeta was rescued, after I recovered from his hijack attack on me, the doctors in Thirteen thought it safer if I was implanted with a very long lasting contraceptive, incase Peeta and I were to get back together. It was ridiculous at the time. Peeta hated me and my once strong feeling of love towards him had become completely muddled. I was never going to have sex with anyone ever. I inwardly smirk at their forethought.

Eventually, we exhaust our physical bodies and find ourselves wrapped around each other with limbs entangled, trying to pace our breathing. My head lies unmoving on Peeta's chest, my arms draped over his midsection, my left leg entwined with the cool metal of his prosthetic. As I lie there, I am suddenly hit by the overwhelming amount of unanswered questions involving tonight, and the stampede of elephants in the room. Our lustful vacation is over.

"I think we need to talk." Peeta voices my unspoken concern. "But before we do I just want to say this has been the best day of my life." Peeta's lopsided grin and the twinkle in his eye are so adorable. I find myself giggling into his chest. I look up him with the widest smile I think my face can handle. I nod my head at him.

"Me too." I sigh, because it couldn't be more true. I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat and take a deep breath. "So where do we start?" My smile falls fast. Peeta takes the thumb and forefinger of his right hand and begins rubbing his eyes as if he's trying to eliminate pain.

"Maybe we should get dressed." He looks disappointed in himself for suggesting it. We reluctantly pull away from each other. He throws on his t-shirt and boxers and I manage a t-shirt and a pair of fleece pants I grab from my dresser. We crawl back on the bed, propping ourselves up with pillows against the headboard. Peeta nervously rubs his hands up and down his thighs, while I start chewing my nails. We don't look at each other.

"Ok, let's just go one at a time. I know we probably have a ton of stuff to get out there, so you ask me a question and I'll ask you one. Does that sound good?" I nod my head, but I don't think he can see. "Well as always... ladies first." He says in his best Capitol accent. I kick his good leg with my foot, and he lets out a snorting laugh. I pull my fingers away from my mouth and try to slow my slamming pulse. Awkward conversations have never been my strong suit, actually, I'm not really good at conversation at all. _This is Peeta though, he knows I killed Zane, and he's still here. I don't get it but he's here. I shouldn't be so nervous around him, I love him and he loves me. _My pep talk works a bit and I decide where to start.

"How... How do you love me? I thought you couldn't." _Yes, yes that's a good place to start. _Peeta shifts a bit next to me, maybe pulling a little closer, but we are still a few inches away.

"Well... It's hard to explain... um. Ok, well, while I was in the coma, I could hear you talking to me. At one point I was sure that you told me you loved me. When I heard that it was the first time I felt scared. I was so terrified I wasn't going to see you again. I wanted to see you so badly. To see your beautiful eyes, touch your soft skin, feel your lips against mine. When I would hear your voice I would try desperately to will myself awake, but it never worked. When I finally did wake up, Haymitch said I called out your name.

"Once I had gotten my bearings and the grogginess wore off, I was suddenly hit but this overwhelming flood of emotion; all of it about you. I was suddenly in love again, but not just all the stuff from five till I was hijacked, but all the stuff afterwards. All these images kept popping into my head. You kissing me in The Capitol when I was having a flashback. You kissing me in your kitchen after talking about our favorite moments, You trying to kill yourself, and me holding you and crying afterwards. Us working on the book. Me carrying you home drunk. Us sleeping on the train. Us dancing in The Capitol. Me holding you the morning I was shot." He stops and takes a deep shuddering breath. He looks completely overwhelmed. I gently graze his cheek with the back of my hand, lean over and kiss it lightly. I grab his hand and hold it in both of mine and lean my head on his shoulder. This sequence of events seems to calm him and he continues. "So it was all the old feelings of love mixing with a ton of new feelings of love, that I had never bothered to deal with before because the feelings weren't there. So it was extremely overwhelming. It didn't help that you weren't there. Haymitch said you were fine, but he seemed nervous which made me nervous. All I wanted to do was see you, so I could tell you how I felt, and hoped that I heard right, that you felt the same way." He turns his head and kisses the top of mine. "Then the agents came and said Zane was dead, and that brought up a whole mess load of other emotions. So when you finally walked in and came at me like an angel, I couldn't handle how goddamn beautiful you looked. You gave me everything I wanted, I could look into your eyes, and feel your skin against mine, then when you kissed me; I was a goner.

"I wanted to tell you right then and there that I loved you so much it hurt. Yet between them asking you questions about Zane's death and my overwhelming love towards you I was suddenly a 15 year old kid again looking at you from a distance, wanting to tell you how I felt, but never having the nerve to say what I wanted to say. So as we lay there, I was screaming at myself, 'Say something dumb ass.' Then the news report came on and I saw the video, and..." His voice catches slightly. "That was it, nothing was going to stop me, but before I could start telling you everything, you were already out the door." I feel a tremor run up my body, and suddenly I have his head in my hands, and my mouth captures his. The way Peeta explains things always gets to me. The kiss is heated and full of fire. Peeta groans into my mouth, which makes my lips and tongue more forceful. His arms wrap around my waist pulling me towards him. He moves quickly and I am suddenly on my back while he hovers over me. We gaze into each others lustful eyes, and my stomach clenches in anticipation. He lowers his head towards mine and I brace my lips for his, but instead he plants a feather light kiss on my nose.

"My turn." He grins evilly and returns to his spot against the backboard. Leaving me lying there wanting. I groan in frustration and roll my eyes. I return to sitting next to him, but keep my distance out of protest. He finds my actions smirk-worthy

"What would you like to know Peeta?" I flash him a perfect media smile. He just shakes his head at me.

"Well lets start easy. When did you decide that you loved me... again?" I inwardly cringe at the story he's asking for. I try to keep my composure.

"Well It was the day I got drunk and you carried me home. I was lying in bed, thinking about you, and the liquor made me sick. I ran to the toilet, threw everything up, and while my head was in the bowl it occurred to me that I was in love with you." Suddenly I realize what I have said and I think I may burst out laughing. I turn to Peeta, whose mouth has popped open and his eyes are wide with that lost-deer-look.

"Well Miss Everdeen that has to be the most romantic thing I have ever heard in my life.", he deadpans and I am snorting laughter out my nose. After a time Peeta follows up. "So you mean to tell me, the next morning when you ruthlessly ate all my eggs, you were actually in love with me?"

"Ruthlessly?", I sneer. "You were being a jerk. And yes I was at that time unyieldingly in love with you.", I say matter-of-factly, trying to hold back the threatening smile. He kisses me on the head, but I can feel his smile before he pulls away.

"Why were you drunk anyway?" Not ready for this question just yet I shake my head frantically.

"That's a totally different question Peeta, and I believe it is my turn.", I say quickly. He looks at me and cocks an eyebrow. I know he's banking the question for later. Now I just need a question for Peeta. _Hmm, what do I ask him? _"Ok. Was that your... first time?" I blush and then I notice he's blushing too. _Oh this is going to be good._

"Yes, that was my first time." His answer is short and concise, but I know he's holding back. I cock my head at him giving him my I-don't-believe-you stare.

"Spill it, Mellark." I bait him. He smirks, and lowers his head while shaking it, giving off a sigh before speaking.

"Ok, well, I was 14, and I was at a birthday party for Delly Cartwright. All the adults left us alone for some time and someone decided we should play some game called _7 Minutes in Heaven" _ My mouth pops open, this sounds interesting. "Well, the rules are a boy and a girl are chosen to go into a closet, and they are allowed to do whatever they want for 7 minutes."

"What, like sex?." I snort. Peeta blushes again and looks mortified.

"Sure I suppose, but I think making out is more common. Anyways, it was Delly's birthday, so she was the one who set up the couples, and she decided to choose me as her partner." I cover my mouth to mask the shit eating grin on my face. _Peeta and Delly? _"So it was our turn to go in there and, well, we started kissing." I can't help the erupting giggle that leaves me. Peeta tries to stifle his nervous grin. "Then the kissing became heavier, and I don't know what got into me, but I reached up and grabbed one of her breasts. Delly screamed and slapped me across the face. Then she ran out of the room crying." He puts his head in his hands and starts shaking it.

"Peeta Mellark you scoundrel!", I admonish. "Poor sweet Delly."

"Katniss, I was a 14 year old boy with hormones flying everywhere. I couldn't help it. I'm sure I was imagining it was you anyways"

"Peeta!" I drop my mouth in mock horror. "Did you at least apologize to her?"

"I tried, believe me. I felt like such an ass. She wouldn't talk to me for a long time. It was humiliating. Eventually, she started talking to me again, and we just never brought it up. That is until I was in Thirteen and they wanted to have Delly bring up memories from our childhood and she decided that was the best memory to help me remember. Gah! It was the first time I had wished a memory had been hijacked."

"Oh Peeta." I give him a sympathetic smile, followed by laughter. I give him a kiss on his cheek. "You and I had much different childhoods." I chuckle, "At 14 I would have given anything to be Delly Cartwright, where my only problem was defending myself from the advances of the frisky baker's son." I am back to hysterical laughter.

"Damn it Katniss." But its too late he's hysterically laughing now as well. It feels good to laugh so hard. "My turn." Suddenly I'm not laughing anymore. I am terrified. "So when we first started talking when I got back to Twelve, I asked if you had ever loved me, and you said you had but not anymore. When had you started to love me in the first place?" Though a tricky question, definitely not the line of questioning I thought he was going to ask so I happily answer.

"I mean, I can't tell you the exact moment I fell in love with you because I had been trying to figure out my feeling for you as long as I can remember. I guess if I'm going to be honest a part of me fell in love with you at 12 when you threw that bread to me, saving me and my family. Now that I know what love like this is, I can say that I fell in love with you a hundred times in a hundred different ways. However, I guess the moment where I knew I was completely in love with you was that night on the beach, where you tried to change my mind with that locket, which I still have by the way. You said that no one needed you, and I realized I needed you, that I needed you more than anyone else, that my life would be empty without you. Sadly, I'm just as chicken as you are. When you were rescued from The Capitol I was going to tell you, but... Things went back to confusing after that." It's now his turn to take my hand in his, he rubs the back on his hand with his thumb. I don't want to think about that day in Thirteen anymore. I try to lighten things up with my next question.

"So what do you actually think of my hair?" I smile at him while swinging my head around so my hair bounces and twirls for him. My hair is no longer choppy, the hairdresser Julissa from The Capitol evened it out. It now hangs halfway down my neck. Peeta takes on a boyish grin.

"Well." He drags his fingers through the side of my hair, giving some resistance as he gets to the end. The feel of him tugging my hair makes me tingle. "I'll be honest I used to have fantasies about grabbing onto that braid while doing unspeakable acts to you."

"Peeta!" I smack his arm, but still let out an unintentional giggle.

"But." He holds his hands up defensively at me. "I love the way it frames your beautiful face, and this is _new_ Katniss hair, and I am so unbelievably in love with _new_ Katniss." I blush

"_New_ Katniss?" I cock an eyebrow at him. His smile becomes shy, and he looks down.

"Yeah _old_ Katniss was chewed up and swallowed by The Capitol, only to have _new_ Katniss cut a hole through The Capitol's belly. She walked out flipping The Capitol off as she went." My jaw drops open. _Is that how he sees me... really? _

" You really like new Katniss better. Scarred and damaged?" I look down at myself, feeling guilty that Peeta will never caress the old me, without the addition of uneven patchwork skin. Peeta looks almost offended at my question.

"Katniss, you aren't damaged, you're a survivor. You have survived things that supposedly stronger people would have curled up and waited to die when faced with. Not only did you survive, but you are actually _living _afterwards. Sure it was bumpy at first, but here you are. There is nothing damaged about you, just beauty... Scars and all." He reaches over my body to grab my left arm. He turns it so my forearm is facing up. He begins gently tracing a rather ragged looking chunky scar the action gives me goosebumps.. "Have I ever told you this is my favorite scar of yours. This scar saved your life. This scar is why we are here now." The scar of course is the place where my tracker from the Quell was gouged out of my arm by Johanna Mason, making me invisible to The Capitol. He leans over and kisses the scar lightly. The gesture makes me smile, until my brain moves to places it always does. Dark places. times after my tracker was ripped out. I suddenly burst into tears. Peeta looks at my face with alarm, and quickly wraps me in his arms taking me into his chest. "Katniss? What's wrong?."

"Why the fuck couldn't they have taken out your tracker? They knew what they were doing." My deep sorrow for what happened to Peeta starts entwining with anger. I didn't realize until just now how much resentment I still hold towards the people involved. Haymitch, Finnick, Beetee, Plutarch. Their miscalculations could have lost me Peeta forever. Peeta doesn't speak a word and I wonder to myself if he is as angry as I am. He just rocks me, I feel his cheek in my hair. "You know I could hear you calling to me, but at that point I thought we had been betrayed by everyone. My only intention going into that arena was getting you out alive." His grip around me gets slightly tighter. "I thought if I shot the force field it would kill enough of them, and myself giving you a good chance of getting yourself out" I'm shaking now, I can't believe it's taken this long for me to talk about this. The moment that changed everything. "But then I heard you calling my name, and I was afraid they were going to find you so I started to call back to you, trying to lead them away knowing that you would never make it to me on time. The last thing I thought of as I shot at the forcefield was you" A sob escapes my throat, the misery behind it is unbearable. "I woke up in a bed, not unlike the ones we woke up in after the first games. I assumed The Capitol had grabbed us, that we were in big trouble. I didn't know where you were. I decided I was going to find you and when I did I was going to... kill you..."Another sob escapes. "Because I didn't want them to hurt you. I wandered around trying to find you and that's when I ran into Haymitch." I am hysterical now. "Why didn't they take out your _fucking_ tracker!" I'm screaming. All this over a question about my hair. _Sure, Peeta, I'm not damaged at all. _Peeta continues to rock me gently His arms are so tight around me. I hear his breath hitch and I look up at him. His blue eyes are red rimmed and tears roll down his cheeks. I kiss his tears, then wrap my arms around his neck, taking him into an embrace. He hugs me tightly back.

"Oh Katniss, I love you so much." His breath is still choppy

"I love you Peeta, I am so sorry I couldn't save you."

"You have Katniss, you have." He pulls away and kisses me so softly on my still trembling lips. "We don't have to do this anymore." I assume he means these questions. I bravely shake my head.

"No a lot of this stuff has been long overdue. If you want to know something I'm going to answer it. We owe it to each other. Your turn." I don't let go of Peeta right away. Most of me wants to stay in Peeta's embrace forever, but there is a small part who holds on because she is terrified of what questions will come next. After a while we pull away from each other, but this time Peeta guides my head to his lap as he leans back against the headboard. I stare up at the ceiling, my legs bent. Peeta's hands absentmindedly play with my hair. I hear him take a long deep breath.

"Who told you about Dr. Zane?" I instantly cover my my eyes with my arm.

"Cressida."

"Why and when did she tell you about him?"

"A little over a month ago, she came to my house, I thought she was just there to convince me to be in her documentary, but I understand now, she was being more honest then I thought." When Peeta doesn't say anything I continue. "She had come across this journal that belonged to Zane, it was his journal about his...victims after the Quell." I hear Peeta take a sharp breath. "She was kind of ambiguous about why she was giving me the journal. She made it seem like she thought I had a right to know, but I know now, she was hoping I would do something about it. Her sister was made into a avox, I guess Zane was the head of avox reprogramming." My own words make me shudder.

"Do you still have this journal?" His words are steady but I can hear an undertone of anger.

"Yes." Asking questions one at a time has long been forgotten.

"Did you read the journal?" His voice catches on the word _read._

"Yes." My voice is shaky. "Every word, over and over and over again. I can't get it out of my head now. It's why I got drunk that day." I raise my arm to glance at Peeta's face. He looks pissed. I'm just not sure at who.

"You were never meant to see that Katniss. I would never have wanted you to know what happened to me. It was too horrible. You should never have read that. Cressida had no right to do that." I think how my answer to Agent Lakes question as to why Peeta had never told me about the torture sounds eerily similar to what he has just said. I cover my eyes with my arm once again.

"Well I did see it Peeta, and it hurt so much to see what you had been through, what that _monster _did to you. Then we were in The Capitol, and you were in a coma, and I heard someone ask where Zane's office was. So I followed the guy and I saw that monster in the flesh. Cressida told me he worked for the new government, but in the damn hospital that you were healing in. It made me sick. Then I just got so fucking angry, angry at everyone always trying to take you away from me. I guess I just snapped." I still don't look at him. I feel his continued motion in my hair.

"Did you do it... alone?"

"No, Gale was with me."

"Gale?" Peeta exclaims. I feel his body tense under me, and I wonder what exactly he's thinking. I shrug from my lying position.

"He's in love with Johanna. That monster messed her up too." I feel some of the tension leave him. For some reason words keep spilling out of my mouth, no matter how hard I try to stop them. "He knew who I was. Made some remark about you being hard to break. I almost killed him right then and there. He was so twisted. He enjoyed what he had done. I was so angry and Gale was probably just as angry, and things got out of hand. Eventually Zane looked at me and asked me 'What makes you any different than me?' I didn't have an answer for him. I was just as disgusting as him. I was also a monster. So I stopped it then and there. Shot him dead. I know it doesn't change what I am. I know you said you love me, but in a way I wonder how could you. I wonder if there is a part of you that...that...finds me disgusting?" There my biggest fear put into words. New Katniss is a little better with talking. I guess no reason for social anxiety when you have lived in Hell. Peeta is silent for an unbelievably long time, and I worry the reason is I am right. That my beautiful boy with the bread thinks I am no better than Zane. Suddenly he clears his throat.

"When I first heard Dr. Zane was dead,", his voice sounds hoarse, "I actually didn't think you had anything to do with it at all. How could you, you had no idea who he was, as far as I knew. Then when the agents were asking you questions when you came in the room, the way you said that you were glad he was dead kind of stuck out for me. When you were taken in for questioning I started looking for anything about the death, something to tell me that you weren't involved. That's when I learned about the torture. Suddenly pieces started fitting together. Haymitch's anxiety over you being missing, the style of death, the way you answered their questions. I started thinking it could have been you." He gently strokes the arm that still covers my eyes with his fingers. " Yes, I will admit, for a split second I tried to decipher what this meant. If you had tortured Zane to death could I live with that. By the end of that split second I decided my answer was probably yes, but between this and your confession of loving me and my own reawakened feeling for you you can imagine my brain felt like it was going to pop. That's why I was so distant." He takes a deep breath. "Katniss you are nothing like Zane. You love more fiercely than anyone I know. Everything you have ever done has been motivated by deep love for those you care about. You killed Coin because you loved Prim so much, and you did what you did to Zane because you love me. I can't blame you for that. I don't know exactly what I would be capable of if our places were reversed." I think for a quick second that I would have given anything to have switched places with Peeta, but the sigh of relief that I have needed for so long escapes my body. Peeta doesn't think I am a monster. I pop up.

"So I love you, and you love me, and for once there is no games or bullshit standing in our way. We can... we can...be together?" And even I don't believe what I am saying. The idea of Peeta and I actually being together seems so outlandish, so absurd. I unconsciously close my eyes and shake my head, making sure I am not about to wake from such a sweet dream. When I re-open my eyes Peeta's face is mere inches from mine.

"Yes." He says with such joy, it makes me burst into giggles of sheer happiness. Are we finally getting our happily-ever-after? My lips meet Peeta's and I wrap my arms around his neck, while he wraps his arms around my waist. This kiss is filled with happiness and relief and above all hope. Hope for a future without the horror of the years before. Peeta breaks away first.

"Can I ask one more question?" This boy can ask me anything. I nod my head. Suddenly he looks nervous, and starts to blush. I cringe a little wondering what it could be. "Will you marry me?" My jaw drops and I look him straight in the eyes. There is no humor in those eyes. his expression looks serious, yet hopeful. Of course I will marry him, but now?

"Yes." I say and his eyes grow wide. "But." I add quickly. "Not right now." His face drops a little and my heart aches a bit. "It's, well, we both just got back on track with our lives and so much has been taken from us. I, at least, have never been able to just enjoy life. I don't even know if I could figure something like that out, but I know with you I may have a chance. I also know that I just want to spend every moment for the rest of my life with you." He smiles and I wonder if he's remembering that night in the Capitol days before the Quell. "So why rush into anything? I'm not going anywhere, and I am sure as hell not going to let you go anywhere ever again. So yes, of course, one day I'll marry you, but for now can't we try just being two kids in love?" Peeta answers me with a wide smile before pouncing on me. Suddenly we are those two kids playing with our brand new toys again.

Love gives you a ton of stamina, but works up quite an appetite. We haven't managed any sleep not wanting to miss a single moment of each other, yet in the wee hours of the morning we both have grumbling stomachs. I pull on Peeta's long white t-shirt and Peeta throws back on his boxers and pants and we head to the kitchen. We nibble on fresh berries until Peeta insists on making cheese buns. He throws on his coat and runs home to gather supplies and dough. I wander around my dimly lit kitchen wondering if I even deserve to be this happy. After all, the death and destruction, some purposely and inadvertently at my own hands. My mind wanders to Prim, and Finnick, Cinna and my father. They would want me to be happy right? If I had died and they had lived I would want them to be so incredibly happy. They would surely want me to do the same. This thought sends a serene wave running through my body. I am in this moment at peace.

Peeta returns and sets to work on the cheese buns. A couple of hours later he has pulled the buns, with their intoxicating aroma, out of the oven. I impatiently stare at them waiting for them to cool. This makes Peeta chuckle. When they are finally cool enough to eat Peeta insists on feeding me. I give in. He begins teasing me with the bun relentlessly. Pulling it away taking bites of his own. Eventually this leads to me chasing Peeta around the house, hunting him for a cheese bun. I finally catch up to him in the living room. I think he seems distracted. I run up behind him and grab the cheese bun from his hand, shoving it in my mouth. That's when I see what has Peeta distracted. Haymitch and Greasy Sae stand in the doorway gawking at us in our lightly-clothed state. I feel myself redden all over, I notice as I glance up at Peeta that he is just as red. Suddenly I hear rolling laughter coming from the doorway.

"Well it's about goddamn time.", Haymitch cackles. He turns to Sae who seems to be nodding in agreement. "Come on Sae, you can make me breakfast today." Haymitch winks my way and his face suddenly beams with pride. He looks at me like I have just won the Hunger Games, I instinctually glance up at Peeta. _Maybe I have._ The two of them turn around and walk out without another word. Peeta and I are left shuddering in embarrassment. Mortified kids in love.

**Hope you all enjoyed! Thanks for reading!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi Everyone! Here it is, the FINAL chapter... sniffle... sniffle. I want to thank you all so much for reading, following and reviewing this story...You are all AMAZING! This was my first attempt at a fanfic and you all have me believing it was a success! So thank you again!**

**This chapter has a lot, loose ends are tied up, there are bits of angst and drama, and of course I tried to really drive home that the point of all of this is that this is Katniss and Peeta's love story! (If you guys have any questions about the story post reading this please feel free to ask me anytime!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, but I do think Suzanne Collins is a genius!**

**So one last time... Enjoy!**

As the door clicks shut, I see a full body shudder roll down Peeta's body, like bugs are crawling on his skin. The sight of it makes me chuckle. Peeta turns to me with a smirk on his face. Once facing me he eyeballs my bare legs, his white shirt coming only down to my mid thigh.

"I'm surprised you think this is so funny considering, I am pretty sure, you aren't wearing any underwear." If he had any doubts that he was right, the uncontrollable look of awkward shock that consumes my face dissipates them. Peeta lets out a fully belly laugh, which makes me smile. In one quick motion, Peeta scoops his arms under my bottom and hoists me up so my legs wrap around his waist. My hands rest on his shoulders and for a few moments we just stare at each other.

The slight reddening of the whites of his eyes betraying our blatant lack of sleep, make the blue more vibrant. His lips which hold so much warmth and softness call to mine when they are apart. Peeta is beyond handsome, beyond beautiful. He is mine and I am his, and together we may make something of this wicked life after all. We, Katniss and Peeta, are dare I say fortunate? I rest my head on his shoulder, and suddenly my heavy eyes demand my attention. Peeta seems to notice quickly and kisses me gently on the forehead.

"Here.", he whispers, handing me a cheese bun, then grabbing one for himself. "Let's go to sleep." He finishes before wedging the cheese bun in his mouth. He carries me upstairs, while I eat the cheesy deliciousness. Once in the bedroom, he lowers me to the bed, finishing his bun with one hand while taking off his pants with the other. Finally he crawls into bed. I turn on my side so he is behind me. Our bodies contort and shape into each other. We fit together so well. His arm wraps around my waist and my hand covers his. He nuzzles his face into my neck. I know in this moment I could never belong anywhere else.

"Sweet dreams my love." His mouth releases the heavy sleep laden words into my ear, and with that I float away into blissful nothingness.

The upcoming weeks are amazing. Being a couple, to my surprise, is both rewarding and easy. We share stolen glances at breakfast, which Haymitch's crude comments and gestures haven't deterred us from. When he is not baking and I'm not hunting we take day trips to the woods, or just walk hand-in-hand through the streets of the rebuilt District 12. When Peeta steals a kiss from me in public, I know it's not for anyone but us. Not all of what we do is happy though. We still work on the Memory Book. We unceremoniously burn Zane's diary. I am not a bit surprised that Peeta, who never looked at the contents of the diary, wanted its physical manifestation out of the house for good. We visit the site of Peeta's family's bakery, which I have come to find out he hasn't done since being back at 12. The site is no longer just rubble, most of it having been cleared away. Ironically a side of the pig pen fence is still standing, and I can almost picture a 12-year-old Peeta standing by it not looking at the dying girl a few feet away, but saving her life nonetheless. As we look at the site Peeta grasps my hand so tight, just as tight as he did the first opening ceremonies in the chariots. I am sure he's just as unsteady now as he was then, so I grip him back just as tightly. He doesn't cry or say a word but I feel the tremendous amount of sorrow flow from him to me via our entwined hands. He eventually lets go of my hand, putting his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to his side. I turn into him slightly so I can wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest.

"Thank you for being with me." Peeta's words are so soft I almost wonder if I was meant to hear them. Someone who didn't know Peeta as well, might think he just meant today, but I know better.

"I'll always be with you.", I say a little louder because I _need_ him to hear these words. We stand immobile and quiet for a few more moments before locking hands and walking home.

The weeks turn into months, we fall into a routine. I hunt, he bakes. We have picnics in the woods and I even manage to teach Peeta how to swim. Our lives finally make sense and the horror from the last few years seems to be erasing itself from our mind's eye.

One afternoon I make my way out of the woods with quite the haul: 2 birds, 4 rabbits and a couple of squirrels. The squirrels I really only grab now because they are Peeta's favorite. Before heading home I stop by Sae's Place, which is a restaurant she opened about a month ago in downtown. It's absolutely astonishing how far our district has come. Before the rebellion, restaurants were mythical things that only existed in the Capitol, and now we have one in District 12 of all places.

Since the opening of her restaurant, Sae has had little time to come by for breakfast, but the four of us, with the occasional addition of Sae's granddaughter, make sure we get together every Sunday for a huge breakfast. She may not need to worry about me anymore, now that Peeta and I have found ourselves, but it doesn't change the fact that we have grown a love for one another. We want to be in each others lives.

I leave Sae's Place, now with only 1 rabbit and the 2 squirrels and in my opinion way too many coins, but I know better than to argue with Sae. I make my way back to Victor's Village. When I am up the street, I smell smoke. I scan the area to see where it might be coming from, but don't discover its origin until I reach the open gate of the village. There I see a house completely ablaze, men stand around trying to pump water on the fire, attempting to put it out. Some part of my brain tries to tell me it is one of the uninhabited houses, but I know better. The house is Peeta's, and though he has moved in with me, he still goes there to bake when I hunt.

I feel my heart leap into my throat, and begin finding it hard to breathe. My eyes widen, and my pulse hammers everywhere throughout my body. Without a second thought I run towards the blaze. When I get closer I manage to scream one word at the top of my lungs over and over again. "Peeta!".

The roar of the fire is loud when I stand in front of it, and the heat of it makes my skin crawl. The house is too far gone to save, the men with the water pumps seem to now be set on just making sure the fire doesn't spread. _Where is Peeta? _My screams to him begin again, and a voice in my head tells me he must still be stuck inside. Without the aid of rational thought I start to bound towards the house, determined to find Peeta. Before I make it six feet, arms wrap around my waist holding me back. I go to struggle away until a familiar voice speaks gruffly into my ear.

"He's ok Sweetheart. He's out of the house. They have him over by the side of mine. The medics are tending to him." The rigid tension I had been harboring releases all at once. Haymitch lets go of me, and I turn to him, wrap my arms around his neck and burst into tears. Haymitch doesn't speak for awhile. "I have to tell you though, when I ran into his house to see if he was out, I found him in the kitchen, completely out of it, gripping onto a chair, with fire all around him. I basically had to carry him out. He seems to be coming out of it now, but you needed to know." I look up at Haymitch.

"You saved him?", I manage to choke out.

"I figured I owed it to him.", Haymitch says with a shrug. I grab Haymitch and hug him tightly.

"Thank you.", I whisper. After a few moments he leads me to Peeta.

Peeta sits against the side of Haymitch's house. He is holding a mask over his face which I assume is supplying oxygen. A medic is taking his pulse. As I approach him, I can see the glazed over look in his eye, and though I am sure the fire is somewhat responsible, it is still a clear sign of a flashback. I rush over to him, no longer able to contain my relief. I drop to my knees at his side, and he turns to look at me.

"Hey", he says after removing the mask.

"Hey." Is all I can say back without crying again. He looks at my face quizzically, and cocks his head.

"Have you been crying?" I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Don't. Don't do that."

"Do what?", he narrows his eyes at me, not understanding.

"Don't worry about me right now." I turn my head to face the medic. "How is he?"

"He seems to be doing ok, I told him it might be best if he came by the hospital to get checked out, but he declined." I shoot Peeta a look.

"Please Katniss, I don't want to go to the hospital." I sigh at him and turn back to the medic.

"I want him on oxygen for 10 more minutes, but after that he should be ok, his pulse and blood pressure are normal. He seemed a little spaced out when we first arrived, but that's normal behavior with smoke inhalation." _Along with flashbacks._ I thank the medic before he gets up to leave. Turning my attention back to Peeta, I push his sweat soaked hair off his forehead and kiss his cheek. I grab the hand not holding the mask.

"Are you ok?", my lips close to his ear. He looks at me and I know he's not, but he doesn't say anything. We sit there silently until the medic says we can leave. I wrap his arm around my waist and throw his other arm over my shoulders and even though he is a little unsteady on his feet, I manage to get him home.

Once back at the house I draw him and bath, and help him out of his smoke saturated clothes. When he gets into the bath, I begin to help him clean up. He tries to protest, but I won't hear anything about it.

"Please just let me take care of you." He gives in, and I wash his hair. It feels good to be useful after the uncertainty of today. He seems to enjoy my fingers rubbing the soap through his locks. He closes his eyes and sighs.

After his bath I lead him to our bedroom. He puts on a pair of pajama pants, and I pull down the covers for him to climb in. He doesn't argue. I am not sure if it was the excitement, or the smoke or the flashback, but he is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I kiss his lips gently and whisper, "I love you." I walk to the bedroom door and turn to look at him, the man that I love. The one person I couldn't survive without. I can't help but think this was my last warning, that I once again came heartbeats away from losing him. It is obvious the flashbacks may never go away entirely, but it has been a long time since his last one, so that is promising. Nevertheless our lives may always in some way be a battle, It's unfair... unfair but true. I think back on these past months, and I know the blissful joy I felt will carry me a lifetime, but it's time to get back in the game. I know what I need to do. I set downstairs to prepare.

A few hours later I am sitting on the couch watching the contents of a package that was delivered today. Cressida's documentary, about the old government, about the rebellion, about the war, about Peeta and I. To Cressida's credit as a documentarian it is just as painful to watch as it was to live through. I am about at the part I star in when I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. I pause the TV and glance over at the stairwell. When he emerges into the doorway, I can't help but smile seeing that he looks well rested and back to normal. He glides over to the couch, and seems to sit hesitantly next to me. Glancing at me shyly. I immediately open my arms to him and he collapses himself against my chest as I lean back against the foot of the couch. Having Peeta here with me, I begin to feel my heart settle for the first time since I saw the fire.

"I thought I lost you today.", I breathe. I begin running my fingers through his hair.

"I know.", he says sounding unnecessarily apologetic.

"You had a flashback didn't you?" He hesitates a long time before answering.

"Yes." I lean over and kiss the top of his head.

"I love you. You know that right?"

"Yes." But this time he looks up at me and smiles. That smile makes me feel at home.

"Do you remember Haymitch saving you?" He shakes his head, but continues to smile.

"Vaguely."

"I'm surprised with all that alcohol he didn't burst into flames before he could get you both out." Peeta snorts laughter, and I begin laughing myself. Peeta glances over at the paused television. The images are of the Quarter Quell. He looks at me with a mix of curiosity and confusion.

"What are you watching?"

I sigh. "Cressida's documentary of the war and everything. She sent me a copy." Peeta looks almost revolted by the whole thing.

"Why would you be watching something like that? It sounds awful."

"Oh, believe me it is.", I manage to chuckle lightly. Peeta shakes his head at me again, but suddenly stops and looks up at me. The corner of his lips twitching, cocking an eyebrow.

"You're in this documentary aren't you?" His question makes me sigh again. I just nod my head. "Can I see... just that part?" I look him in the eyes knowing I could never tell him no. I simply nod again. I fast forward to my segment. First it starts with me sitting on the very couch we are on now. I hear Cressida's voice flowing through the television speakers.

"_So Katniss, the war is over. The old regime has been overthrown. There are no longer Hunger Games, and the people of Panem for the first time have a say in their own well being, but can you tell me some of the cost that you personally paid?" _

"_Well, I lost my sister to the war along with many other people that I cared about. I almost lost Peeta as well. Then... well... there was this cost." _ I see myself stand up and I know what's coming next. I start chewing my nails and feel my heart start beating erratically. I can only look at Peeta out of the corner of my eyes, but can see his eyes are glued to the picture on the screen, to me. The image of me begins slowly stripping off her clothes, leaving nothing but a bra and a pair of sleep shorts. Her scars are out in the open for everyone to see. She is vulnerable to the viewer. She spins to show her whole body. The girl who _was_ on fire. Cressida's voice sounds again.

"_Katniss where were you when you received these scars?"_

"_The Capitol, right outside President Snow's mansion on the day the war ended. I received these in the same explosion that claimed my sister Primrose's life. She was 13 at the time. I was 17." _I can hear Cressida close the segment with a _thank you. _As soon as my image is off the screen Peeta has paused the documentary again. I can feel his stare and I reluctantly turn to him, still chewing my fingers. He fixates on me almost reverently.

"Katniss that was... that was..." _Say it. Disgusting? Horrible? Inappropriate? "..._That was incredible." His choice of word makes me blink at him, and I'm still not sure if I heard him right. He continues. "That was poignant and powerful and beautiful." I guess I did hear him right.

"You think so?"

"Yes, Katniss, I do. People have the right to know that the current ease of their lives came at a cost. We all paid for it. Along with every child who went to a game, and the parents whose kids never came home and... It was a heavy price, they should know that." Peeta takes my chin in his hand, and looks all over my face like he is sizing it up. "I can't believe you did that, that you had that in you. That was beyond brave." He pulls my face towards him, while leaning in towards me. When our lips touch I feel the electricity between us. The kiss is gratifying and delicious. I reluctantly pull away.

"So I didn't know when you'd be up, so I kinda made dinner." The surprise on Peeta's face makes me roll my eyes, and he grins. "Don't get too excited I definitely stayed within my comfort zone." I lead Peeta to the table. Dinner consists of squirrel and squash skewers and fresh berries. The simplicity of the meal doesn't seem to bother Peeta as he downs the skewers like it was his last meal. Smiling up at me once in awhile, grease running down his chin. I can't help but smile back.

After dinner is finished and we have cleaned up I look at Peeta because I know the night isn't over. Suddenly I am terribly nervous. I might be shaking a bit, and my heart is pounding so loud I am afraid Peeta will hear it.

"So I kind of have this idea." I reach out a shaky hand to take Peeta's as I lead him back into the living room. I pause to grab a picnic basket I had hidden from Peeta on the side of the couch. Peeta looks between me and the basket curiously. I place the basket down on the coffee table, and look back up at Peeta. I take his hands in mine. "Ok... so... ok... I know after the day you've had this might be the worst idea ever. You might be so done with fire, and if that's the case it's no problem, really it's not, but I just thought maybe we could..." I have totally lost my ability to communicate. Peeta looks even more confused. "Umm... just open the basket and you'll get it." I give up and motion towards the basket. Peeta slowly sits on the couch and pulls the basket onto his lap. He opens it and looks at its contents, a bottle of champagne I got from Ripper this afternoon, two wine glasses that belonged to my mother. A box of matches and two thick slices of the bread left over from breakfast. I can see him try to piece it all together. I know the exact moment he does because I hear his breath hitch, and he frantically looks to the fireplace then to me, his beautiful blue eyes glassy and wide. His mouth is slightly open with what I assume is shock. I feel a jumble of words fall out of my mouth.

"Its just I mean I know I said I wanted to wait a while, but after today I've realized that life is incredibly fragile and scary, and I may be young in years but those years have been overwhelming, and I realized that I couldn't have survived most of that time without you. With your flashback today, I know our past will probably never be forgotten. We may never completely win the war, but what I know for sure is that you are the greatest ally I could ever have. I could never imagine facing this world with anyone but you by my side. When the world decides to be kind I want to celebrate it with you, and when the world decides to be cruel I want to fight it with you." Somewhere along the line warm tears begin falling unrestrained from my eyes. "I love you so fully, so unconditionally. I want you to be all mine always, and I want to be all yours for just as long. So if you are ok with it I figure we can do the toasting tonight, and then maybe in the next couple of days we can go down to the records building and... " I never get to finish my sentence. Peeta has my face in his hands, and his lips crash against mine. His breathing is as heavy as mine and my hand which has ended up on his chest can feel his pounding heart.

This kiss displays, our need and love and wants and desires. When Peeta breaks away we both need to catch our breath. Without a word Peeta grabs my hand with one of his and the basket with the other, and leads me over to the fireplace. We sit cross-legged and Peeta lights the match, starting our toasting fire. We hold hands and toast bread, we stare deeply into each other's eyes and bare our souls. We sip on champagne. When our words of love have been spoken and our heads have become light and fuzzy, Peeta scoops me up and brings me upstairs to celebrate our first unofficial night as man and wife.

* * *

A few days later Peeta and I leave the Records Building hand in hand. Today it has been made official, and for the rest of my days I will be Mrs. Mellark, and there is nothing I would rather be. We are both dressed in clothing from the Victory Tour. We didn't want a big wedding, just a typical District 12 no fuss or fanfare wedding day. We have had enough of both those to last a lifetime.

Haymitch still manages to gather a decent sized crowd in front of our house, and when we approach they cheer for us and then break out into the traditional District 12 wedding song. We hold each other tightly and beam at the crowd. I think I even spot tears in Haymitch's eyes. When they have finished Peeta gives his thanks, and I blow the crowd kisses. They cheer once more as Peeta lifts me up and walks me over the threshold and out of the crowds sight. We spend the rest of the day like any other newlyweds. The fact that he is truly all mine makes the experience so much better. We celebrate late into the night. Finally exhaustion takes its toll and we begin to drift off, entwined with each other, our breathing synchronized. Suddenly my eyes open. I know there is one thing that I have to say to Peeta before he falls asleep.

"Peeta?" I whisper while shaking his shoulder lightly.

"Hmmm?" he says his eyes still closed.

"Peeta, I have to say something to you, and it's something I should have said to you forever ago, but I really can't go on any longer without telling you." Peeta's eyes fly open and he looks at me, his face laced with curiosity and nervousness.

Once I have his attention I gaze into his eyes. Those eyes which remind me I am alive. I lean forward and press my lips against the soft warmth of his. I gaze into his eyes once more before speaking to him the words I should have said seven years ago.

"Thank you for the bread."


	15. Author's Note!

**Hey Guys I am sorry to do this, because I hate Author Notes instead of Chapters more than anything, but I am hoping to get your forgiveness this time! I wanted to tell you I just published a One-Shot Gale POV based off of the convo between Gale and Katniss about how Gale and Johanna got together called "Trial of the Century"... It's kind of amusing and smutty so I figured I would let you guys know incase you were interested!**

**Love you guys!**


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